Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive
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116: Turn Work-Family Conflict Into Work-Family Balance
16 juli 2020 · 53 min
Work-family conflict can seem unavoidable - especially in the era of COVID when we're either working from home with children underfoot all day, or we're an essential worker who has to leave the house and can't find childcare. Lees meer
In this conversation with licensed psychologist Dr. Yael Schonbrun, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Brown University, and co-host of the Psychologists Off The Clock podcast, we acknowledge that we must enact policies that provide more of a safety net for families. But even in the absence of these policies, we can make choices that allow us to live in greater alignment with our values, and also find a sense of peace.
If you enjoyed episode 113 on Dr. Chris Niebauer's book No Self, No Problem, then you'll find that the tools we discuss in this episode flow directly from that one.
Here's a link to the Choice Point tool that we discuss.
Here are some Psychologists Off The Clock episodes that discuss Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in greater depth:
https://www.offtheclockpsych.com/podcast/acceptance-commitment-therapy
https://www.offtheclockpsych.com/podcast/the-heart-of-act
https://www.offtheclockpsych.com/podcast/take-committed-action
Jump to highlights
00:02 Introduction to Dr. Yael Schonbrun, clinical psychologist and co-host of Psychologists Off the Clock
04:07 Two directions of the problem: outside-in factors versus inside-out factors
11:58 Self-compassion's three parts - mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity
15:22 Work-to-family and family-to-work conflict, and how skills can flow both ways
20:49 The evolutionary reasons we're wired to chase comfort
22:31 Introduction to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
32:23 The "choice point" - how we're always making a choice, even by doing nothing
38:45 What to do when your choice affects someone else's wellbeing too
41:00 The Rubik's Cube metaphor for shifting between values as things change
46:03 Individual choice versus systemic pressure - the Viktor Frankl q…
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115: Reducing the Impact of Advertising to Children
5 juli 2020 · 52 min
We're almost (but not quite!) at the end of our lengthy series on the intersection of money and parenting. Most recently, we talked with Dr. Allison Pugh to try to understand the answer to the question "Given that advertising is happening, how do parents and children respond?" Lees meer
In this episode we take a step back by asking "what about that advertising?" with Dr. Esther Rozendaal of Radboud University in the Netherlands whose research focuses on children's understanding of advertising messages. Can children understand that advertising is different from regular TV programming? At what age do they realize an advertisement is an attempt to sell them something? And what should parents do to reduce the impact of advertising on children? It's all here in this episode.
Other episodes in this series
This episode is the first in a series on the intersection of parenting and money. You can find other episodes in this series:
038: The Opposite of Spoiled
105: How to pass on mental wealth to your child
107: The impact of consumerism on children
112: How to Set up a Play Room
118: Are You Raising Materialistic Kids?
Jump to highlights
00:03 Introduction to Dr. Esther Rozendaal, expert on children's advertising literacy
02:57 How advertising works: awareness, liking, then the request to buy
08:17 Integrated advertising and how it slips past our defenses without us noticing
14:51 How advertising recognition develops with age, starting around age five
19:19 Why preschoolers can't really grasp the concept of advertising yet
26:06 Why schools default to teaching knowledge instead of self-control
29:40 Early work using mindfulness techniques to help kids notice their own reactions
33:15 Are children helpless targets or savvy consumers? The research says both, depending on context
41:38 The surprising downside of ad warning labels - they can boost brand liking instead
50:16 The difference between telling kids what to think and helping them find their own answer
Refer…
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114: How to stop ‘Othering’ and instead ‘Build Belonging’
19 juni 2020 · 58 min
I had originally approached today's topic of Othering through a financial lens, as part of the series of episodes on the intersection of parenting and money (previous episodes have been on NYT Money colunist Ron Lieberman's book The Opposite of Spoiled, How to Pass on Mental Wealth to your Child, The Impact of Consumerism on Parenting, and How to Set Up A Play Room. The series will conclude in the coming weeks with episodes on advertising and materialism). Lees meer
I kept seeing questions in parenting groups: How can I teach my child about volunteering? How can I donate the stuff we don't need without making the recipient feel less than us?
And, of course, after the Black Lives Matter movement began its recent up-swing of activity, the topic took on a new life that's more closely related to my guest's work: viewing othering through the lens of race.
My guest, Dr. John A. Powell, is an internationally recognized expert in the areas of civil rights and civil liberties and a wide range of issues including race, structural racism, ethnicity, housing, poverty, and democracy. He is the Director of the Othering & Belonging Institute (formerly Haas Institute for a Fair and Inclusive Society), which supports research to generate specific prescriptions for changes in policy and practice that address disparities related to race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, disability, and socioeconomics in California and nationwide. In addition to being a Professor of Law and Professor of African American Studies and Ethnic Studies at the University of California, Berkeley, Professor powell holds the Robert D. Haas Chancellor’s Chair in Equity and Inclusion.
Our conversation was wide-ranging and touched on a host of topics and thinkers, which I promised to track down if I could. These include:
Martha Minow's book Making All The Difference
Aristotle's theory of Arithmetic and Geometric Equality
Judith Butler's book Gender Trouble
Amartya Sen's idea that poverty is not a lack of stuff…
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SYPM 005: Getting Confident About the Decision to Homeschool
7 juni 2020 · 46 min
School districts are starting to make plans to reopen - some with sneeze guards between desks; some on reduced schedules to accommodate the amount of space needed for social distancing, while some are going online-only for the Fall semester. Lees meer
How will your child cope with this?
Did your child adapt well to online learning when schools closed? Will they find it relatively easy to see their friends but not be close to them? There are some children for whom these arrangements work well, but for others parents see big trouble ahead.
What are the options? Even if you've never considered homeschooling as a realistic option in the past, it might now be the tool that gets you through the next few months. But are you terrified that you don't know everything your child needs to know? And how could it possibly work for your family?
Join me for a conversation with Dr. Laura Froyen, who is considering homeschooling her two children next semester - even though she has a Ph.D. in Human Development and Family Studies and wrote a dissertation on supporting young children in learning to read, she's nervous that she doesn't know everything she needs to know - so if you're worried about this you're certainly not alone!
We look at what we know about how long children actually spend learning in school (the answer is going to shock you!), how you can work AND homeschool, and how you can get confident that you really can support your child's love of learning - even if you know your child will eventually go back to school.
Click the banner to learn more about The Confident Homeschooler:
Jump to highlights
01:30 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Laura Froyen
06:24 Letting go of the idea that someone else knows the "right" things to learn
17:15 Rethinking math: using curriculum as a tool
21:39 Willpower struggles, and why an imposed curriculum won't work for this family
30:23 How much of the school day is actually spent learning
32:52 Making the schedule work: creative ap…
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113: No Self, No Problem
24 mei 2020 · 1 uur 3 min
If you heard the recent episode on Parental Burnout, you'll know that our identities can become really confusing when we become parents, especially for women. On one hand, society tells us that we have to work hard and do well so we can Achieve The Dream. And on the other hand, we're told that a Good Mother sacrifices everything for her child - including her career. So what is a parent to do? Lees meer
This episode brings together a couple of strands of my life that have been existing in parallel for a few months now. A friend of mine introduced me to meditation as a tool that I might find useful to explore when I was struggling with some personal issues. Not only did I find it interesting, but I also found elements of it that helped me to make sense of the situation I was in in a way that I had not been able to do until that point.
Like a lot of people, I had the common perception that meditation consists of sitting quietly on the floor cross-legged with thumb and pointing finger touching, saying ‘ommmm’ but when I looked into the research on mindfulness stress reduction that perception went away pretty fast. It had been shown in the scientific literature to be enormously helpful to people not just in reducing stress but also in reducing the severity of physical symptoms in the body that accompany stress.
But I was still having a hard time reconciling the thousands of scientific research papers I’ve read over the years on how children’s brains develop and some of these new ideas I was learning related mindfulness. And so that is kind of how I discovered Dr. Chris Niebauer and his book No Self, No Problem. After reading it I was able to reconcile those two strands - the psychological research and mindfulness - and I want to share that with you. Along the way, we'll gain an understanding of the mind that may help us to overcome some of the challenges associated with Parental Burnout - so even if you're not officially (clinically) suffering from burnout, this episode could …
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112: How to Set up a Play Room
11 mei 2020 · 43 min
One of the things people email me wanting to know about most often is "what does the research say about how to set up a play room? What toys should I buy that will have the greatest benefit for my child's learning and development?" I'd actually been putting off doing this episode for a while, in part because the research base on this topic is thin on the ground - but also because the idea just made me kind of uncomfortable. I mean, we've survived for tens of thousands of years without play rooms - or even dedicated toys, never mind the incredibly beautiful and expensive ones that are available now! - what could I really say about this? Well, now's the time. Perhaps it shouldn't surprise you that this episode is coming in the middle of our series on the intersection of money and parenting. I hope it offers you some reassurance about how to set up your own play room - if you choose to and are able to. And even more reassurance if you choose not to or can't. Lees meer
Other episodes on this series
This episode is the second in a series on the intersection of parenting and money. You can find other episodes in this series:
038: The Opposite of Spoiled
105: How to pass on mental wealth to your child
107: The impact of consumerism on children
115: Reducing the Impact of Advertising to Children
118: Are You Raising Materialistic Kids?
Jump to highlights
00:03 Introduction and framing: the privilege embedded in even asking how to set up a playroom
01:39 How play and toys vary across cultures, from Ghana to the Kalahari to Mexico
06:25 A quick review of the researched benefits of play: executive function, language, social skills, and more
10:05 Dr. Doris Pierce's study on mothers as "stage managers" of children's play
16:47 Why subscription toy boxes rarely deliver on their promises
20:43 A 2012 study on which toys prompted the highest-quality play, and what it reveals about assumptions tied to socioeconomic status
25:16 Electronic toys: why they rarely deliver on educ…
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111: Parental Burn Out
27 april 2020 · 1 uur 3 min
Do you often feel anxious or irritated, especially when you're around your child? Do you often feel like you might snap, perhaps even threatening violence if they don't do what you say? Are you so disconnected from them that you sometimes consider walking out and never coming back? If you have, it's possible that you're suffering from parental burnout. Lees meer
Listener Kelly reached out to me recently because she has been diagnosed with parental burnout and wanted to know what research is available on this topic, and on how to protect her two-year-old from its impacts. We did some searching around in the literature and it actually didn't take long to turn up the preeminent researchers in the field who actually work as a team and one of whom - Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, kindly agreed to talk with us.
We learned about the warning signs to watch out for that indicate that you might be suffering from parental burnout, and what to do about it if you are. We ran a bit over time at the end of the episode and I wasn't able to ask about whether self-compassion might be a useful tool for coping with parental burnout but Dr. Mikolajczak and I emailed afterward and she agreed that it is - I'm hoping to do an episode on self-compassion in the future. More information on Dr. Mikolajczak's work on parental burnout can be found at https://www.burnoutparental.com/
The Parental Burnout Assessment, available in French and English, can be found here: https://en.burnoutparental.com/suis-je-en-burnout
Taming Your Triggers
If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop. We’ll help you to:
Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them
Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needs
Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlig…
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110: How to Dismantle Patriarchy Through Parenting
13 april 2020 · 59 min
We began this mini-series a few weeks ago as listener Brian Stout and I co-interviewed Dr. Carol Gilligan as an introduction to the topic of patriarchy, how it is present in every aspect of raising our children, and the negative impacts it has on our children's lives - both on boys and girls. Lees meer
The interview with Dr. Gilligan laid the groundwork for us, and in this episode Brian and I are back for a conversation about what we learned and what implications this has for the way we will raise our children. We discuss:
Why Brian, a cisgendered, heterosexual White male - an apparent beneficiary of patriarchal systems - is so interested in dismantling it
Some of the specific ways we parents perpetuate patriarchy through our parenting, even if we don't realize we're doing it!
Why 'masculine' qualities like logic are prized over 'feminine' qualities like understanding the physical experience of the body and recognizing emotions (and why it's ridiculous that these qualities are gendered in the first place)
How patriarchy hurts men (mentally, emotionally, and physically) as well as women
Brian's top four conclusions and actions to take to begin the work of dismantling patriarchy in our own families (and, by extension, in society more broadly)
Resources mentioned in this episode (as well as additional resources that Brian and/or I recommend):
Brian's newsletters on why patriarchy persists: Part 1, Part 2 (Subscribe to receive parts 3 and 4 when they're released!); here's the "two heads" masculine and feminine energies image
Brian's blog post on Raising Thriving Children: Parenting Beyond Power
List of Gottman-trained therapists
Trabian Shorters: Asset-Based Framing
Liz Plank's book For the Love of Men
The Scene on Radio series on Men
Dr. Edward Tronick's Still Face Experiment
Rotten Tomatoes reviews of The Warrior movie
Dr. Brene Brown's TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability
Dr. Vivek Murthy talking about the Loneliness Epidemic
This piece from APA gets at th…
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109: Education in a time between worlds
30 maart 2020 · 1 uur 1 min
It seems pretty clear that we are in a societal 'liminal space' right now, which is a threshold between what we have known until now and what we will know in the future. Lees meer
We are also in a liminal space related to learning and education, as schools hastily try to move learning online (despite disparities in access to online learning systems), and we have an incredible opportunity to think through what we think children's learning should look like in the future.
In today's episode we hear from Dr. Zak Stein, who has spent many years thinking about ways in which the education system in the United States could be reimagined to take advantage of virtual learning opportunities and 'learning labs,' which gather resources around learners instead of having learning take place in classrooms isolated from real-world experience. Dr. Stein is a big-picture thinker, and it was really exciting to sit with him and envision the future of learning.
To learn more about the memberships I mention in this episode, please visit yourparentingmojo.com/together
Dr. Zak Stein's book
Education in a time between worlds - Affiliate link
Jump to highlights
01:46 Setting the scene: recording this episode during the early days of the COVID-19 shutdown
13:29 Introduction to Dr. Zach Stein, scholar of education, human development, and civilizational change
14:31 Putting the pandemic in context: why systems thinkers have seen this coming since 1972
22:38 What the education system is actually for, and whose interests it's been serving
24:19 How school closures are revealing the same inequities that existed all along
29:28 Standardized testing and the difference between justice-oriented and efficiency-oriented assessment
34:21 The danger of thinking about education, or parenting, as something you can put a price on
43:07 Turning a hard moment into real change, using the idea of Kairos versus ordinary time
47:41 What a decentralized, tech-enabled educational hub network could look like
48…
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108: How to cope with the Coronavirus pandemic
15 maart 2020 · 44 min
In this episode we discuss how to cope with parents’ and children’s fear and anxiety related to the Coronavirus pandemic, how to keep the children busy so you can get some work done (without resorting to hours of screen time), and how to use the time that you are focused on them to develop your family relationships as well as their learning, rather than you driving each other nuts. Lees meer
To download a FREE sample routine to help you organize your days, and also join a FREE one-week workshop to give you the tools you need to cope with this situation, please go to yourparentingmojo.com/coronavirus
Other episodes mentioned in this show
Talk Sex Today
Understanding the AAP’s new screen time guidelines
Raising your child in a digital world
Resources
List of video conferencing companies offering free services
Geocaching website
Nature journaling videos with John Muir Laws
Jump to highlights
00:58 Introduction of episode
04:16 Difference between fear, worry, anxiety, and panic and how they impact a person
07:23 Official diagnosis of anxiety
08:36 Official diagnosis of a panic attack
10:05 What can we do to be less afraid
16:33 Difference between routine and schedule
22:48 A learning exploration
29:49 Parents worry about loneliness
39:50 Realization during the pandemic
[accordion]
[accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]
Hello, and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast! I know that listeners who have been with me for a while know that an episode is going to be different when I dispense with the music at the beginning – I think the last time I did this was six months ago when I announced that I was taking a break from the show. But have no fear; I’m not going anywhere – I just did it today to indicate that this is not a normal show because these are not normal times. I’m recording this on March 15 2020, four days after the World Health Organization declared that the coronavirus outbreak is a pandemic, which means it is dispersed a…
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107: The impact of consumerism on children
9 maart 2020 · 59 min
A few weeks ago we talked with Dr. Brad Klontz about the 'money scripts' that we pass on to our children - perhaps unintentionally - if we fail to examine these and make conscious decisions about the messages we want to convey about money to our children. Lees meer
Today we continue our series on the intersection of parenting and money with a conversation with Dr. Allison Pugh, whose doctoral dissertation (and subsequent book, Longing and Belonging: Parents, Children, and Consumer Culture) remain seminal works in this field even a decade after their publication.
In this interview, we take the position that advertising to children is happening - so what do we do with that? How do children make meaning out of the messages sent to them through our consumerist culture? How do parents attempt to resist the effects of this culture, and how successful are they?
In our next episode in this series we'll dig more deeply into the effects of advertising itself on children's brains, so stay tuned for that!
Book mentioned in the episode
Longing and Belonging: Parents, Children, and Consumer Culture (Affiliate link).
Other episodes on this series
This episode is the second in a series on the intersection of parenting and money. You can find other episodes in this series:
038: The Opposite of Spoiled
105: How to pass on mental wealth to your child
112: How to Set up a Play Room
115: Reducing the Impact of Advertising to Children
118: Are You Raising Materialistic Kids?
Jump to highlights
01:31 Introduction to Dr. Allison Pugh, sociologist and author of Longing and Belonging
03:28 Why nine in ten Americans think children want too many material things
10:24 The real theme in kids' consumer world: belonging, not status
17:21 The line between healthy mirroring and raising a sense of entitlement
21:25 Comparing Dr. Lareau's research to newer findings on low-income parenting
30:10 Symbolic deprivation vs. symbolic indulgence: how affluent and low-income parents talk about spend…
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106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting (Part 1)
23 februari 2020 · 1 uur 4 min
"Wait, whaaaat?" (I can hear you thinking this now, as you're reading the title for this episode.) Lees meer
When I think of patriarchy, I usually think of a powerful guy in a suit. He's always White. He probably works in government or maybe high up in a corporation. He's part of The System, which is just The Way Things Are Done - and he's never going to listen to me. There's really not much I can do to impact this system.
And patriarchy isn't good for any of us. It's not difficult to see how it represses women and any non-straight, White, hetero-presenting male. But the research base is also pretty clear that it harms men as well, by denying them the opportunity to express any emotion other than anger, which is linked to all kinds of both mental and physical health problems.
But it turns out that a big part of perpetuating the patriarchal system is how women interact with men, as well as how we raise our children. And, suddenly, changing the patriarchal system becomes something that I can directly impact - and so can you.
Listener Brian Stout and I interview the preeminent scholar in this field, Dr. Carol Gilligan, who is co-author (with Naomi Snider) of the book Why does patriarchy persist?
In this episode we focus on the background information we need to understand what patriarchy is and how it impacts us, and in a future episode Brian and I return to discuss the implications of these ideas for the way we are raising our children.
If you'd like to subscribe to Brian's newsletter, where he discusses issues related to Building a World of Belonging, you can do that here.
Dr. Carol Gilligan's Books:
Why Does Patriarchy Persist?
In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women’s Development
Darkness Now Visible: Patriarchy's Resurgence and Feminist Resistance
The Birth of Pleasure: A New Map of Love
Jump to highlights
01:26 Introduction to Dr. Carol Gilligan, author of In a Different Voice and Why Does Patriarchy Persist?
03:24 Introduction to Brian Stout, th…
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105: How to pass on mental wealth to your child
10 februari 2020 · 54 min
Think about your parents. Lees meer
Now think about money.
What kinds of ideas, images, and feelings come to mind?
Do you recall any discussions about money - or were these hidden from you?
Was there always enough to go around - or were you ever-conscious of its absence?
What little incidents do you recall that ended up becoming defining 'money scripts' of your life?
Perhaps it won't be a shock to learn that just as we learned how to raise children from our parents, we also learned how to think about money from them. And as we will raise our children the way we were raised unless we choose a different path, we will also pass on our ideas about money - unless we decide differently.
Today we hear from Dr. Brad Klontz, co-author of the book Mind over Money: Overcoming the Money Disorders That Threaten Our Financial Health (Affiliate link), who helps us to think through the money scripts we want to pass on to our children - and how to adjust course if we decide we need to do this.
Find more information from Dr. Klontz on his YouTube channel.
Other episodes in this series
This episode is the first in a series on the intersection of parenting and money. You can find other episodes in this series:
038: The Opposite of Spoiled
107: The impact of consumerism on children
112: How to Set up a Play Room
115: Reducing the Impact of Advertising to Children
118: Are You Raising Materialistic Kids?
Jump to highlights
01:36 Introduction to Dr. Brad Klontz, financial psychologist and co-author of Mind Over Money
03:11 What money scripts are, and why they get passed down through generations
07:07 Why money only buys happiness up to a point
12:11 How shame and stress shape our earliest money scripts
18:26 Why money conversations work best as an ongoing series instead of one big talk
20:29 Twelve money disorders in three categories: avoidance, worship, and relational
24:14 Financial enabling, financial dependence, and the trap of rescuing kids from every problem
27:07 Usi…
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104: How to help a child to overcome anxiety
27 januari 2020 · 53 min
Listeners have been asking me for an episode on supporting anxious children for a loooooong time, but I was really struggling to find anyone who didn't take a behaviorist-based approach (where behaviors are reinforced using the parent's attention (or stickers) or the withdrawal of the parent's attention or other 'privileges.'). Lees meer
Long-time listeners will see that these approaches don't really fit with how we usually view behavior on the show, which is an expression of a need - if you just focus on extinguishing 'undesirable' behavior, you haven't really done anything about the child's need and - even worse - you've sent a message to the child that they can't express their true feelings and needs to you.
Listener Jamie sent me a link a book called Beyond Behaviors written by today's guest, Dr. Mona Delahooke, and I immediately knew that Dr. Delahooke was the right person to guide us through this. Listener Jamie comes onto the show for the first time as well to co-interview Dr. Delahooke so we can really deeply understand our children's feelings and support them in meeting their true needs - and overcome their anxiety as well.
Dr. Mona Delahooke's Books
Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges
Beyond Behaviors Flip Chart: A Psychoeducational Tool to Help Therapists & Teachers Understand and Support Children with Behavioral Changes (Affiliate links).
Jump to highlights
01:28 Introduction to Dr. Mona Delahooke, author of Beyond Behaviors
02:45 Introduction to listener Jamie, joining as co-interviewer
05:13 How most psychologists define anxiety, and the shift away from strict DSM labels
08:04 Why cognitive behavioral therapy and medication only help about a third to half of children
09:39 A look at a Yale study on parent-led anxiety treatment, and what it may have missed
23:33 Does responding to a child's "non-preferred" behavior just reinforce it?
27:09 Why we give autism a "pass" but hold …
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103: How to raise a child who uses their uniqueness to create happiness
13 januari 2020 · 1 uur 9 min
Dr. Rose defines a Dark Horse as someone who uses a variety of unusual strategies like understanding their 'micromotives' and not worrying about their overall destination and to focus instead on more immediate goals to create a fulfilled life. Lees meer
In his book he focuses on the paths adults have followed to become Dark Horses, which is almost invariably one of either:
Child is successful in school, attends an elite university, achieves financial stability, realizes they feel unfilled, and switches direction mid-life
Child flounders in school and barely graduates or doesn't graduate; gets married and has children or works a series of low-level jobs before discovering their path
But I wondered: rather than following either of these (highly frustrating!) paths, could we instead support our children much earlier in life to discover how their passions can lead them toward a fulfilling life, rather than forcing them through a standardized system and then making them figure it out on their own later?
Dr. Rose agreed that this would indeed be the preferable path, and we also talked about how to do this.
Dark Horse: Achieving Success Through the Pursuit of Fulfillment can be purchased in your local bookstore or on Amazon. (Affiliate link)
Learning Membership
Want to know what skills YOU need to raise a dark horse? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.
Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.
When you join before the end of day, August 8, you'll also get free access to Mind Your Own Business: For Kids, the course Carys and I built after she started her own pet-sitting business. It walks kids through testing an idea wit…
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[Taking a Break]
11 november 2019 · 7 min
I’m taking a hiatus from the show; in this episode I explain why and what you can do to help make sure it comes back strong in 2020! Lees meer
Here’s the form to complete if you’re interested in learning more about the yet-to-be-named pilot membership to support children’s interest-led learning at home: https://forms.gle/GGKgdwaLkEfNfMA27
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102: From confusion and conflict to confident parenting
28 oktober 2019 · 39 min
Do you ever feel ‘lost’ in your parenting? Like you’ve read all the books (and even listened to the podcast episodes!) and you’ve agreed with them in principle, but somehow nothing ever seems to change? Lees meer
Your family feels directionless; you just muddle along having the same old fights with your partner about the same old things:
Should you praise your child when they do what you ask, so they’ll do it again next time? Or punish them for disobeying you?
Should you worry about (quality or quantity of) screen time?
Does it matter if you and your partner have completely different parenting styles?
In this episode I interviewed Kathryn, and discussed:
The cultural differences between living in the U.K. and Canada (saying “please!” and certain differences in directness of humor)
How to begin to approach differences in opinion about parenting with your spouse in a way that doesn’t get their back up, but instead focuses on your (and their) values
The value of interacting with parents who are a little ahead of you and who can give you advice, as well as parents with younger children so you can see how far you’ve come and offer some support to them
How to align your daily interactions with your child with your overall values
The importance of bringing fun and playfulness to your parenting in a way that feels relaxed to you (and the positive impact this can have on your child)
How to problem solve with a child in a way that encourages them to bring their own solutions to the table
Parenting Membership
If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Jump to highlights
01:39 Introducing the guest
07:25 Differences in parenting between the Engl…
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101: What happens after divorce – and how it impacts children
14 oktober 2019 · 42 min
This is the third episode in our series on parental relationships – and the lack thereof… We started with episode 35, which was called “All Joy and No Fun,” where we learned how children can be one of the greatest joys of a parent’s life – but that all the daily chores and struggles can get on top of us and make parenting – both in terms of our relationship with our child and our spouse – something that isn’t necessarily much fun in the moment. And if you missed that episode you might want to go back and check it out, because I walked you through a research-based idea I’ve been using to increase the amount of fun I have while I’m hanging out with my daughter, who was a toddler when I recorded that episode. Lees meer
Then we took a turn for the worse in episode 36 and looked at the impact of divorce on children’s development, and we learned that it can have some negative impacts for some children, although the majority are pretty resilient and do make it through a divorce OK. For the last episode in the long-delayed conclusion to this mini-series we’re going to take a look at what happens after divorce – things like single parenting and remarriage and stepfamilies, that can also have large impacts on children’s lives. We’ll spend a good chunk of the show looking at things that stepfamilies can do to be more successful.
Jump to highlights
01:01 Introduction of episode
02:15 The things we don’t understand well
06:37 30% of the children live with their unmarried parent
14:36 Impacts of remarriage on a child’s development
15:55 Lists of common areas where stepfather encounters problem after remarriage
17:21 What can we learn from the research
19:05 Definition of authoritative parenting
24:34 Models of blended family
35:44 2 different schools of thought
36:38 Dr. William Jeynes' conclusion of remarriage
38:38 Conclusion of the episode
References
Braithwaite, D.O., Olson, L.N., Golish, T.D., Soukup, C., & Turman, P. 001). “Becoming a family”: Developmental processes …
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100!
30 september 2019 · 1 uur 17 min
I can hardly believe we made it to this point: the 100th episode of the Your Parenting Mojo podcast! Lees meer
Join me for a special celebration of the show, featuring questions (from you!) and answers (from me!), clips of some of my favorite episodes, some fun at NPR interviewer Terry Gross’ expense, the occasional Monty Python reference, a story about how Carys got her name that you won’t want to miss.
Jump to highlights
00:01 Introduction and welcome to episode 100
04:36 Looking back to summer 2016 and how the podcast got started
07:55 Thanking early supporters: Dr. Tarr Hallahan and the origins of the research process
09:03 Reaching out to Drs. Roberta Golinkoff and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek for episode 10
10:18 Where the name "Your Parenting Mojo" actually came from
11:27 Voicemail from listener Megan on why she loves the research-based approach
13:46 How episode topics get chosen, and how listeners can help speed up the process
15:58 Voicemail from listener Michelle, and a request to cover parents' relationships with each other
19:13 Resources for strengthening the parenting partnership: episodes on marriage, NVC, and Dr. Laura Froyen
20:36 Favorite moment: Dr. Renee Engeln on what to say when a daughter asks "am I pretty?"
24:50 Favorite moment: Dr. Allison Roda on opportunity hoarding and White privilege in school admissions
29:30 The story behind the mysterious audio cutout in the picky-eating episode with Dr. Dina Rose
32:26 Favorite moment: interviewing Alfie Kohn about rewards and unconditional parenting
38:31 Listener April's question about helping a toddler work through fear of ocean waves
42:26 Listener Virginia's questions: Carys's name, homeschooling, and school readiness
52:45 Voicemail from Dr. Kim Rybacki on the show's scientific rigor and cultural sensitivity
55:53 Two contrasting listener emails: one asking for more, one pushing for deeper investigative questions
01:00:50 Listener Anne's voicemail on how the podcast helped her through a pani…
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099: How to parent highly sensitive children
16 september 2019 · 59 min
Is your child Highly Sensitive? Does it sometimes feel as though you don’t understand them, and struggle to support them in the ways it seems they need to be supported? Or does your child experience and process things more deeply than other children, but this is the first time you’re hearing about High Sensitivity? Lees meer
In this episode Dr. Michael Pluess helps us to understand how we can know whether our child is highly sensitive, and how to parent these children effectively so they can reach their full potential.
Jump to highlights
01:39 Introduction to Dr. Michael Pluess, researcher on environmental sensitivity
03:13 Defining sensitivity: sensing and processing what happens around us
06:43 Common traits in highly sensitive children, from caution to empathy to overstimulation
08:38 The four components of sensitivity from Elaine Aron's research
13:36 Three main theories of sensitivity: sensory processing sensitivity, differential susceptibility, and biological sensitivity to context
20:00 Why sensitivity is about half genetic, half shaped by experience
25:37 Introducing "vantage sensitivity": the positive side of being highly sensitive
35:58 Defining maternal sensitivity and its link to attachment
42:20 The impact of sensitive parenting on internalizing problems like anxiety
46:20 Practical ways to support a highly sensitive child day to day
50:25 Why childcare quality matters more for sensitive children, though parenting matters most of all
55:42 Helping sensitive children see their sensitivity as a strength
References
Aron, E. N., Aron, A., & Jagiellowicz, J. (2012). Sensory processing sensitivity: A review in the light of the evolution of biological responsivity. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 16, 262–282.
Aron, E. N., Aron, A., & Davies, K. M. (2005). Adult shyness: the interaction of temperamental sensitivity and an adverse childhood environment. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31, 181-197.
Aron, E.N. (2002). The highly sens…
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098: Do school shooter trainings help (or hurt) children?
2 september 2019 · 55 min
A few months ago a listener in my own home town reached out because a potentially incendiary device had been found on the elementary school property, and many parents were demanding disaster drill training in response. The listener wanted to know whether there is any research on whether these drills are actually effective in preparing children for these situations, and whether it’s possible that they might actually cause psychological damage. Lees meer
In this episode we review the (scant) evidence available on drills themselves, and also take a broader look at the kinds of measures used in schools in the name of keeping our children safe – but which may actually have the opposite from intended effect.
Jump to highlights
01:21 Introduction to the topic and Dr. Ben Fisher, researcher on school safety, security, and discipline
02:47 Acknowledging the recent mass shootings before starting the conversation
04:26 Putting school violence in context: schools have gotten safer over the past two decades
07:20 Parental fear versus student fear: why the two groups respond so differently
10:19 The Gun-Free Schools Act of 1994 and the start of zero-tolerance policies
13:56 A study of 850 schools found security cameras had zero effect on crime outcomes
18:49 What research on SROs shows: null to negative effects, especially for low-income students and students of color
21:07 The academic cost: schools with SROs show worse academic outcomes for students
28:07 Diving into lockdown drills, and how thin the research really is
37:55 "Leakage": how averted school shootings usually come down to a student telling a trusted adult
39:22 Social Bond Theory and why strong relationships in school reduce violence and misbehavior
41:08 How security personnel can weaken teacher-student relationships
43:32 Authoritative school climate: fair discipline plus strong relationships lowers fear and victimization
46:03 How zero-tolerance policies disproportionately push out students of color and b…
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097: How to support gender-creative children
19 augustus 2019 · 1 uur 13 min
Recently a listener posted a question in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group asking about research related to children who are assigned to one gender at birth, but later realize that this assigned gender doesn’t match the gender they experience. Lees meer
Another listener recommended Dr. Diane Ehrensaft’s book The Gender-Creative Child, and we are fortunate that Dr. Ehrensaft quickly agreed to speak. Listener Elizabeth co-interviews with me as we learn how to truly listen to our children when they tell us about their gender, and what we can do to help them navigate a world full of people who may know very little about – and even fear – children whose gender does not conform to expectations.
While we didn’t get a chance to discuss it (too many other topics to cover!), you might also be interested to learn about the “They-by” movement, which advocates for allowing children to choose their own gender when they feel the time is right, rather than the parents assigning a gender at birth based on the child’s genetalia.
Here are some especially recommended resources:
Human Rights Campaign’s Guide on supporting transgender children: https://assets2.hrc.org/files/documents/SupportingCaringforTransChildren.pdf?_ga=2.156922811.1499059672.1559845994-1938179427.1559845994
Recommended books for children – for ALL children, not just those actively exploring their gender identity (note: these are affiliate links):
10,000 Dresses
The Adventures of Tulip, Birthday Wish Fairy
My Princess Boy
The Paperbag Princess
Mama, Mommy, and Me
Daddy, Papa, and Me
Who Are You? The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity
I am Jazz
Julian is a Mermaid
Introducing Teddy
Jump to highlights
01:21 Introduction to Dr. Diane Ehrensaft, author of The Gender Creative Child
02:52 Introduction to listener Elizabeth and her four-year-old, John
04:00 Defining terms: sex assigned at birth, gender identity, gender expression, and sexuality
07:08 Cisgender, transgender, and gender-expansive, explained
09:26…
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096: How to prevent sexual abuse
6 augustus 2019 · 55 min
This is another of those topics I really wish I didn’t have to do. In this interview with Dr. Jennie Noll of Pennsylvania State University, we discuss the impacts that sexual abuse can have on a child (even many years after the event itself!), and we talk extensively about what parents can do to prevent abuse from happening in the first place. Lees meer
If you want to be sure to remember this info, there’s a FREE one-page cheat sheet of the 5 Key Steps Parents Can Take to Prevent Sexual Abuse available here:
Get the FREE Guide!
Jump to highlights
01:26 Introduction to the topic, inspired by the USA gymnastics abuse scandal
02:52 Introduction to Dr. Jennie Noll, researcher on child maltreatment and abuse prevention
03:58 Mental and emotional health impacts of sexual abuse: PTSD, anxiety, depression, attachment difficulties
06:13 Does it matter if abuse happens once versus chronically? Why the boundary violation itself matters most
08:53 How life transitions like marriage or having a child can bring old trauma back to the surface
13:06 What real support looks like: believing the child, then ongoing support through every developmental stage
15:28 How common is child sexual abuse really, and why reported numbers undercount it
18:18 Why children struggle to recognize abuse from people their family trusts
23:18 Why using correct anatomical terms can itself be a protective signal to would-be abusers
32:51 Recognizing grooming behavior and talking with kids about secrets versus surprises
40:15 Behavioral and physical signs that might indicate abuse has occurred
43:16 Telling the difference between normal childhood sexual curiosity and exploitation
45:03 What to do if you suspect abuse
47:56 Anonymous hotlines where you can ask questions before deciding whether to report
50:47 Children's Advocacy Centers (CACs) and how they improve conviction rates
References:
Bolen, R.M., & Scannapieco, M. (1999). Prevalence of child sexual abuse: A corrective metaanalysis. Socia…
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095: Ask the American Academy of Pediatrics!
22 juli 2019 · 1 uur 4 min
A couple of months ago, when I was interviewing listener Rose Hoberman for her Sharing Your Parenting Mojo episode, she casually mentioned after we got off air that her father in law – Dr. Benard Dreyer – is the immediate past president of the American Academy of Pediatrics, and would I like her to make a connection? Lees meer
I almost coughed up my water as I said yes, please, I very much would like her to make a connection if he would be interested in answering listener questions about the AAP’s policies and work. Dr. Dreyer gamely agreed to chat, and in this wide-ranging conversation we cover the AAP’s stance on sleep practices, screen time, discipline, respect among physicians, and what happens when the organization reverses itself…
Jump to highlights
01:37 Introduction to Dr. Benard Dreyer, past president of the American Academy of Pediatrics
03:03 How AAP recommendations get made: choosing topics, reviewing the literature
12:44 Why the AAP revised its screen time guidelines, and what actually changed
17:43 Safe sleep recommendations: firm surface, same room, no bed sharing for six months
22:06 Why AAP sleep recommendations focus specifically on the first year
25:30 How poverty and crowding intersect with SIDS risk
29:43 The Rock 'n Play recall: why the AAP is often reacting to safety data rather than generating it
37:23 Why the AAP's organic food guidance centers on the child
44:17 How much training pediatricians actually get in child development and behavior
47:19 Why the AAP softened, then hardened, its stance against spanking over time
53:26 Advocating for a child's own agency and consent during pediatric visits
References
American Academy of Pediatrics (2018, May 2). How to protect your children during a measles outbreak. HealthyChildren.org. Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/immunizations/Pages/How-to-Protect-Your-Children-During-A-Measles-Outbreak.aspx
Burke Harris, N. (2019). Keynote speech; Virginia summit …
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SYPM 004: Conflicting cultures! with Dovilė Šafranauskė
15 juli 2019 · 32 min
My guest on today’s episode in the Sharing Your Parenting Mojo series is Dovilė Šafranauskė, who joins us from Lithuania. Dovilė has discovered respectful parenting and her husband is on board, but many of the central tenets of RIE go very much against how children are raised in Lithuanian culture. Dovilė wonders how she can work with her parents – who look after her children regularly – to help them feel more comfortable with RIE, as well as what to do with Aunty Mavis whom her toddler twins see a couple of times a year and who insists on a kiss as a greeting. Lees meer
Dovilė is also a sensitive sleep coach with focus on following natural baby sleep paterns, advocating for gentle sleep interventions and finding tairored solutions that fit best with the needs of the whole family. Her business is called Miego Pelytes, which means Sleep Mice in Lithuanian, and refers to her twin daughters.
Click here to learn about Sleep Mice
Parenting Membership
If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Jump to highlights
00:59 Introduction to the episode and guest Dovilė from Lithuania
02:53 How Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting changed Dovilė's approach
05:01 Navigating conflict with grandparents over parenting style
08:15 The trigger: children who don't want to be touched or picked up
10:18 Dovilė's own childhood memory of discomfort with kissing relatives
17:09 What shifted the grandparents: modeling and calm conversations
19:40 Connecting body autonomy to the wider MeToo conversation
22:43 Addressing an incident later, instead of in the heated moment
24:20 A practical idea: physically shielding kids during greetings
26:09 Making a firm decisi…
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094: Using nonviolent communication to parent more peacefully
7 juli 2019 · 1 uur 5 min
Today’s episode pulls together a lot of threads from previous shows, and will also give you some really concrete new tools using what’s called Nonviolent Communication to support you in your parenting. It’s not like these are concepts that we’ve never discussed before, but sometimes hearing them in a different framework can be the key to making them ‘click’ for you. Our guest Christine King has been teaching these techniques to college students, teachers, and parents for over 17 years. Lees meer
And I’m releasing this particular interview today because these tools are ones we’re learning how to use in the free online workshop. In the workshop we’re going to spend a couple of weeks learning why our children trigger us so much and how to stop being triggered, and how we can move beyond the power struggles we get caught up in with our children so we can have the kind of relationship with them where their true needs as people are respected and met – and so are ours.
Parenting Membership
If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Things we discussed in the show:
We now have feelings and needs lists available to support you in using the tools described in this episode!
Click here to access the list of feelings
Click here to access the list of needs
Christine’s game for kids can be found here
Videos of Christine’s giraffe and jackal puppet shows are here
Inbal Kashtan’s book Parenting From Your Heart
The No-Fault Zone game
Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Jump to highlights
02:30 Introduction to the episode and guest Christine King
04:06 What nonviolent communication means
07:57 Sharing power between pa…
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SYPM 003: Responding Mindfully with Seanna Mallon
2 juli 2019 · 26 min
Today we talk with listener Seanna Mallon about her struggles to be mindful when responding to her two spirited young sons (and I can confirm from direct experience that they are indeed spirited – we actually had to re-record the episode after we simply couldn’t continue the first interview due to her children’s continual interruptions!). Lees meer
I share some basic tools for staying calm in difficult moments; for a deeper dive on this topic, do join the Tame Your Triggers workshop! Enrollment is now open.
We’ll help you to:
Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them
Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needs
Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered
It’s a 10-week workshop with one module delivered every week, an amazing community of like-minded parents, a match with an AccountaBuddy to help you complete the workshop, and mini-mindfulness practices to re-ground yourself repeatedly during your days, so you’re less reactive and more able to collaborate with your children.
Click the image below to learn more.
Parenting Membership
If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Jump to highlights
02:00 Introduction to the episode and guest Seanna
02:23 About Seanna's family and busy life
04:39 What Seanna learned from Raising Your Spirited Child
07:29 A slow-to-adapt son and difficult morning transitions
10:34 Connecting Seanna's own childhood to her triggered reactions
12:58 How the morning cycle spirals once frustration takes over
13:25 Finding the underlying need behind a reactio…
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093: Parenting children of non-dominant cultures
24 juni 2019 · 53 min
This episode is part of a series on understanding the intersection of race, privilege, and parenting. Click here to view all the items in this series. Lees meer
We’ve done a LOT of episodes specifically for White parents by now:
White privilege in parenting: What it is and what to do about it
White privilege in schools
Talking with children about race
Teaching children about topics like slavery and the Civil Rights Movement
Do I have privilege?
In this episode we turn the tables: listener Dr. Elisa Celis joins me to interview Dr. Ciara Smalls Glover, whose work focuses on building the cultural strengths of youth of non-dominant cultures and their families. We discuss the ways that culture is transferred to children through parenting, how parents of non-dominant cultures can teach their children about race and racism, and how to balance this with messages of racial pride.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Click the button on the right with the microphone on it to leave me a voicemail for the 100th episode!>>>
Jump to highlights
06:25 Introduction to the episode and guests Dr. Celis and Dr. Glover
07:29 Parenting styles and how they're perceived across cultures
12:04 Parenting in line with your culture versus what the research says
15:10 TV examples of a parenting style clashing with a new context
18:42 Delivering hard messages within a warm, democratic family
23:38 The different kinds of messages parents give about race and culture
28:36 Timing: preparing children before an incident versus after
31:36 Modeling how to respond to prejudice in the moment
36:22 Why talking about racism can be hard for parents of any background
41:10 Rethinking "you're beautiful" for children of color
48:26 Three takeaways for balancing hard truths with hope
References
Anderson, R.E., Hussain, S.B., Wilson, M.N., Shaw, D.S., Dishion, T.J., & Williams, J.L. (2015). Pathways to pain: Racial discrimination and relations between parental…
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092: Fathers’ unique role in parenting
9 juni 2019 · 57 min
This episode began out of a query that I see repeated endlessly in online parenting groups: “My child has a really strong preference for me. They get on great with the other parent (usually the father, in a heterosexual relationship) when I’m not around, but when I’m there it’s all “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” This is destroying my partner; how can we get through this stage?” Lees meer
So that’s where I began the research on this question, and it led me down quite a rabbit hole – I’d never thought too much about whether mothers and fathers fulfill unique roles in a child’s development and while it isn’t necessarily as prescriptive as “the mother provides… and the father provides… ,” in many families these roles do occur and this helps to explain why children prefer one parent over another. (we also touch on how this plays out in families where both parents are of the same gender).
My guest for this episode is Dr. Diana Coyl-Shepheard, Professor at California State University Chico, whose research focuses on children’s social and emotional development and relationships with their fathers.
Parenting Membership
If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Click the “Send Voicemail” button on the right >>> to record your message for the 100th episode: it can be a question, a comment, or anything else you like!
Jump to highlights
10:17 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Diana Coyl-Shepherd
11:07 Richard Bowlby's model of dual attachment: safe haven versus secure exploration
17:22 The purpose of rough and tumble play
21:38 Why "60 to 70% secure attachment" is more alarming than reassuring
23:06 What attunement and reflective functioning mean
27…
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091: Do I have privilege?
27 mei 2019 · 49 min
This episode is part of a series on understanding the intersection of race, privilege, and parenting. Click here to view all the items in this series. Lees meer
Each time I think I’m done with this series on the intersection of race and parenting, another great topic pops up!
Listener Ann reached out to me after she heard the beginning of the series to let me know about her own journey of learning about her White privilege. Ann and her husband were a ‘normal’ White couple who were vaguely aware of some of the things they could do to help others (Ann works at a nonprofit) and saw politics as an interesting hobby.
Then they adopted a Black daughter and had a (surprise!) biological daughter within a few months, and Ann found that she needed to learn about her privilege – and quickly. She’s had to learn about things like the features of a ‘high quality’ daycare for both of her daughters, how to keep them safe, and we get some feedback from Dr. Renee Engeln about how to help Black girls to see and be confident in their beauty.
Ann is openly not an expert on this topic, and does not speak for adoptive Black children, or even for all White adopting parents. But she finds herself far further along this journey of discovering her privilege than the vast majority of us – myself included, until I began researching this series of episodes.
Jump to highlights
01:24 Introduction to this episode and how the series on race and parenting grew
03:35 Introduction to listener Ann, mom to Alice (Black) and Audrey (White) through adoption and birth
06:33 How not having to think about race shows up as privilege in daily interactions
09:15 Visiting predominantly White areas: strangers touching Alice's hair and "othering" through over attention
13:29 How the search for schools has shifted from test scores toward diversity as the top priority
16:50 The discomfort of being the only White family in the room, and what that teaches
20:54 Rethinking books, clothing, and toys so Alice sees hers…
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090: Sensory processing disorder
13 mei 2019 · 42 min
This episode comes to us courtesy of my friend Jess, whose daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and who is on a mission to make sure that as many parents as possible learn about it. She says that every time she describes it to a parent they realize that they know someone who exhibits behavior that looks like SPD that warrants following up. Lees meer
I have to say that I was highly ambivalent about doing this episode, because I don’t usually deal with topics that result in medical diagnoses as I’m (obviously) not a doctor. But the more I looked into this the more I realized that helping parents to understand the mess of research on this topic is exactly the kind of thing that I usually do on this show, and that an episode on this topic could probably be useful to a number of you.
And here’s the love letter to John McPhee that I mention in the episode
Jump to highlights
01:21 The story behind this episode: a listener's daughter and her path to an SPD diagnosis
03:19 Origins of the field: Dr. A. Jean Ayres and her book Sensory Integration and the Child
05:33 Dr. Lucy Jane Miller's three main pattern types and subtypes of SPD
08:16 Where SPD is thought to come from, and why parents shouldn't blame themselves
09:37 Distinguishing SPD from Dr. Elaine Aron's highly sensitive person concept, and a note on unintegrated reflexes
12:19 SPD and autism comorbidity
12:36 Why SPD isn't in the DSM-5, and problems with Dr. Ayers' own diagnostic test
20:11 What SPD treatment looks like in practice: hammocks, brushing, weighted play, "heavy work"
26:57 A 2014 meta-analysis of 27 studies: some positive signals, but hampered by small samples and weak methods
28:57 A meta-analysis narrowing 11,619 citations down to just four studies on the Wilbarger protocol
35:19 Why insurance companies like Aetna classify sensory integration therapy as experimental
38:50 Practical guidance: how to approach treatment like a scientific study if you decide to proceed
References
Aetna. (2…
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SYPM002: Sugar! with Rose Amanda
6 mei 2019 · 33 min
In this second episode of Sharing Your Parenting Mojo we talk with Rose, who is American but lives in Germany, about discussing math with girls – as well as with managing her daughter’s sugar intake. Lees meer
Here’s Rose’s blog, where she discusses what she thought of my Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue episode.
If you’d like to be interviewed for Sharing Your Parenting Mojo, please complete the form located here and I’ll be in touch if there’s a fit…
Jump to highlights
00:56 Introduction to the "Sharing Your Parenting Mojo" segment and listener Rose
05:39 The episode that stuck with Rose: talking with girls about numbers and math
07:20 Practical ways Rose builds math into daily life, from stair-counting to odd-and-even dishwasher moments
10:41 Introducing the real topic: struggling with sugar and dessert limits
14:48 Moving to a one-sweet-a-day rule, and why it's led to sneaking and feeling restricted
19:10 How daycare food (and constipation) factors into the bigger picture at home
21:23 Starting problem-solving practice on lower-stakes issues before tackling sweets
24:29 Clarifying: deciding together through conversation, not just announcing a new rule
26:38 Whether sugar highs and crashes are the right framing when Rose hasn't actually observed them
28:13 Revisiting the Alfie Kohn rewards conversation and what building real autonomy looks like over time
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089: Teaching children about issues related to race
29 april 2019 · 1 uur 5 min
This episode is part of a series on understanding the intersection of race, privilege, and parenting. Click here to view all the items in this series. Lees meer
In this episode we continue our series on the intersection of race and parenting, which we started with Dr. Margaret Hagerman on the topic of White privilege in parenting; then we covered White privilege in schools with Dr. Allison Roda and what parents can do to overcome structural racism as well as talk with their children about race with Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum.
Today we’re continuing the series by learning from Dr. John Bickford about how to actually have a conversation with our child on a topic as complex and difficult as slavery or the Civil Rights Movement, using both primary sources and children’s ‘trade’ books.
During the episode you’ll hear Dr. Bickford and I hatch an idea to develop a resource guide for parents on exactly what sources and books to use to make sure you’re discussing the right issues within these topics: download the guide below!
Jump to highlights
06:42 What "trade books" are, and why they're often unreliable
11:19 Common myths: "brainwashed," "discovered," and lies of omission
14:53 Less than 1% of enslaved people ever secured their freedom
19:58 What Lincoln believed about slavery
24:40 Introducing hard history through images, in age-appropriate ways
31:25 Why American schools are more segregated now than 50 years ago
36:30 Teaching Tolerance's Teaching Hard History framework
38:15 The real story behind Rosa Parks and the Montgomery bus boycott
46:55 Leading versus following a child's questions about race
54:15 The problem with classroom simulations like the blue-eyes/brown-eyes exercise
References:
Bauer, M.D. (2009). Martin Luther King, Jr. New York, NY: Scholastic.
Bickford, J.H., & Rich, C.W. (2014). Examining the representation of slavery within children’s literature. Social Studies Research and Practice 9(1), 66-94.
Bickford, J.H., & Rich, C.W. (2015). The histori…
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SYPM 001: Mindfulness with Jess Barnes
22 april 2019 · 22 min
Welcome to the first episode in a new series that I’m calling Sharing Your Parenting Mojo, where I interview listeners about what they’ve learned from the show as well as the parenting challenges they’re facing. Today we talk with Ontario, Canada-based listener Jess Barnes, a registered social worker and parent of almost-two about a mindfulness tool that can help us to stay calm when our children push our buttons. Lees meer
If you’d like to be interviewed for Sharing Your Parenting Mojo, please complete the form located here and I’ll be in touch if there’s a fit…
Taming Your Triggers
If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop!
We’ll help you to:
Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them
Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needs
Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
00:57 Introduction to the episode and guest Jess
02:52 What the White privilege and racism episodes meant to Jess
04:23 Facing racism in the Canadian context
05:43 Developmentally appropriate expectations and toddler memory
08:32 Recognizing our own triggers as parents
09:38 Rethinking manners: modeling gratitude instead of demanding it
11:56 "Quality time" versus "once nothing" quality time with a baby
15:19 Changing our own reactions instead of trying to change a child's behavior
15:31 A three-step pause practice for the moment something goes wrong
18:04 Bringing the pause practice into a child's own bedtime routine
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088: Setting loving – and effective! – limits
4 april 2019 · 46 min
The way we set limits has such profound implications for our parenting: it’s the difference between parenting in a constant state of anxiety, and being truly calm and confident that you’re making the right decisions as you move through your day. Lees meer
If we set ineffective limits, our child never knows where we stand. They push and push and push because they know we will allow it, then finally we blow up because they pushed us TOO FAR and they end up in tears (or angry) and we end up angry (or in tears, or both).
But doesn’t setting limits mean being “harsh” or “punitive”? Not at all! When we set the right limits (by which I mean the right limits for your family), you can hold those limits effectively and the testing behavior will diminish dramatically.
The result? More harmony at home. Less uncertainty for you. More confidence for your child. Give it a try!
Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits Workshop
If you need more support in setting limits that your child will respect (and using far fewer of them than you might ever have thought possible – while still having your boundaries respected!), I hope you’ll join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) workshop.
Click the banner to learn more.
Other episodes mentioned:
Why storytelling is so important for our children
Should we just Go Ahead and Heap Rewards on our Child?
Jump to highlights
00:00 Introduction of the episode topic and framing
04:01 Cross-cultural discipline: shame, corporal punishment, and their purposes
07:56 How authoritative versus controlling parenting differs across cultures
11:16 Haim Ginott's ideas and the roots of emotion coaching and limit setting
14:08 When to set limits: Magda Gerber's approach and providing structure
21:59 How children's non-compliance changes from toddlerhood to age five
25:41 Ginott's three zones of discipline
32:27 Why using fantasy or false praise to gain compliance backfires
34:54 What to do when a child still won't cooperate
38:13 Logical consequences versus p…
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087: Talking with children about race, with Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum
1 april 2019 · 1 uur
This episode is part of a series on understanding the intersection of race, privilege, and parenting. Click here to view all the items in this series. Lees meer
We’ve laid a lot of groundwork on topics related to race by now: we learned about White privilege in parenting, and White privilege in schools, and even how parents can use sports to give their children advantages in school and in life.
Today my listener Dr. Kim Rybacki and I interview a giant in the field: Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum, author of the now-classic book (recently released in a 20th anniversary edition!) Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria: And Other Conversations About Race.
We begin by assessing what is White parents’ responsibility to help dismantle structural racism, and then learn how to discuss race and racism with our children. And in the next episode in this series I’ll have some really in-depth resources to support you in having these conversations with your own children.
Dr. Tatum was featured in a short piece with Lester Holt on how to talk with children about racial injustice that you might also find helpful - she describes ways you can answer their questions honestly and fully in an age-appropriate way. You can find a link to the interview on her website here.
Jump to highlights
01:25 Introduction to the topic and how this episode connects to previous ones on White privilege
03:45 Introduction to Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum, author of Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria, and to co-host Dr. Kim Rybacki, developmental psychologist and listener
07:56 A misleading version of Black history in America, and Carol Anderson's book White Rage
11:41 The "cycle of racism" and the common emotions - anger, guilt, confusion - that come with new awareness
15:15 How Kim sees White students move through denial, discomfort, and eventually action in her classes
17:16 Why the sense of "post-racial" optimism after 2008 has largely dissipated
22:53 Can a socie…
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086: Playing to Win: How does playing sports impact children?
18 maart 2019 · 45 min
Individual sports or competitive? Recreational or organized? Everyone gets a trophy or just the winners? Lees meer
And why do sports in the first place? Granted there are some physical benefits, but don’t we also hope that our children will learn some kind of lessons about persistence and team work that will stand them in good stead in the future?
In this interview with Dr. Hilary Levy Friedman we discuss her book Playing to Win: Raising Children in a Competitive Culture, the advantages that sports can confer on children (which might not be the ones you expect!), as well as what children themselves think about these issues.
Jump to highlights
02:24 Introduction to Dr. Hilary Levey Friedman, sociologist and author of Playing to Win
06:08 The immediate benefits of organized sports: teamwork, structure, and performing under pressure
07:59 Health benefits of sport, and the flip side: rising injury rates from early specialization
14:07 The long odds of going pro or landing a full athletic scholarship
16:09 What parents say they want from youth sports versus what's really driving it
17:18 Introducing "Competitive Kid Capital" and why upper-middle-class parents value it
19:09 How playing sports in college shapes hiring outcomes later, even outside sports careers
24:11 The self-esteem movement in schools versus the rise of competitive extracurriculars
27:09 Balancing competitiveness with teaching kids to be good teammates
35:30 What kids actually say matters to them: friendship over winning
37:32 Comparing today's organized sports to historical child labor, and the coping mechanisms kids develop either way
38:52 How narrowly defining "success" as elite college admission limits who can ever achieve it
39:50 Dr. Friedman on her own lack of athletic background growing up
40:38 A look at Dr. Friedman's own kids: soccer that flopped, and letting interest lead
References
LaBella, C.R., & Myer, G.D. (2017). Youth sports injury prevention: Keep calm and play on. British Jo… -
085: White privilege in schools
4 maart 2019 · 49 min
This episode is part of a series on understanding the intersection of race, privilege, and parenting. Click here to view all the items in this series. Lees meer
Public schools are open to all children, no matter what their race, so where’s the privilege in schools?
In this episode we’ll learn more about how even (and perhaps especially) well-meaning liberal White parents perpetuate inequalities in schools which disadvantage children from non-dominant cultures.
We’ll cover the way that purportedly ‘scientific’ standardized tests perpetuate inequality, ‘second generation segregation’ (which is still alive and well in schools), how White parents who want the best for their children end up disadvantaging others – and what are some steps we can take to move forward.
Dr. Allison Roda's book
Inequality in gifted and talented programs: Parental choices about status, school opportunity, and second-generation segregation - Affiliate link
Jump to highlights
01:22 Introduction to this episode's topic: White privilege in the school system
03:37 Introduction to Dr. Allison Roda, author of Inequality in Gifted and Talented Programs
09:36 Why national surveys show parents want diverse schools, but schools remain hypersegregated
11:50 Defining what a truly diverse and integrated school means
15:19 Whether gifted and talented placement tests actually measure giftedness
20:02 "Second generation segregation": how gifted programs resegregate schools from the inside
22:06 Weighing the research: do diverse schools always mean better outcomes?
26:22 Defining "opportunity hoarding" and how school choice policies enable it
32:34 The uncomfortable tension for liberal parents caught between integration ideals and individual advantage
38:45 How school leaders work around legal limits on using race in admissions
41:05 What individual parents can do, starting with naming their own privilege
46:40 Closing thought: treating other people's children as equally worthy of opportunity
Referenc…
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084: The Science of RIE
18 februari 2019 · 1 uur 7 min
“Is RIE backed by scientific research?” Lees meer
It’s a question that comes up every once in a while among parents who use the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) approach to raising their children, and then they all (virtually) look at each other kind of uneasily because no study has ever shown that children raised using RIE methods have any better outcomes than children who aren’t.
Given how much I focus on scientific research, you would think that I would have determined my overall approach to parenting through extensive reading of the literature – but actually I discovered RIE even before I started looking at research and I latched onto it because parenting in a respectful way just felt right. I knew that love was necessary but not the only tool I would to discipline (used in its original sense, meaning “to teach”) my daughter about how to live in our family. I knew immediately that respect was the tool I sought.
But it always niggled at me (and these other parents): Is RIE backed in any way by science? Naturally, I could find no expert who could speak to this. So I recruited the assistance of a fellow RIE-practicing parent to help us think through RIE’s basic principles, and whether (or not!) the research backs these up.
If you’re new to RIE, you might want to listen to this introductory episode on What is RIE first, so you’ll have the background you need. I actually recorded this Science of RIE episode first so it does have a very brief introduction to RIE, but then I realized it really wasn’t sufficient so I recorded the extra episode.
Have questions about RIE? Want to continue the conversation? Come on over to the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group and ask away, or join the Toasted RIE group which I help to moderate!
Jump to highlights
00:38 Introduction to the episode: role reversal, with a listener interviewing Jen about RIE
02:41 Introduction to Silvana Naguib, listener and lawyer, based in Los Angeles
04:19 How Silvana first discovered RIE through a Ja…
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083: White privilege in parenting: What it is & what to do about it
4 februari 2019 · 54 min
This episode is part of a series on understanding the intersection of race, privilege, and parenting. Click here to view all the items in this series. Lees meer
This episode launches a series of conversations on the intersection of race and parenting. I spent a month wading around in the psychological literature on this topic and deciding how best to approach it, and eventually decided to split it into four topics.
Today we’ll dig into White privilege in parenting through a conversation with Dr. Margaret Hagerman on her book White kids: Growing up with privilege in a racially divided America.
For those of us who are White, White privilege can be an incredibly uncomfortable to discuss. After all, we didn’t ask for this privilege – we were just born into a system where we have it. But the reality is that we do have it, and many of the actions we take on a daily basis mean that we don’t just benefit from it but we actively take steps to perpetuate that advantage. So in this episode we’ll learn how we can recognize that privilege in our lives and we’ll start to learn about some steps we can take to address it.
In upcoming episodes we’ll look at White privilege in schools, parents’ responsibility to work on dismantling systems of racial privilege, how to talk with children about race, and what children learn about race in school (and what you can do to supplement this).
I’m really excited to begin this conversation, but at the same time I want to acknowledge that while these episodes are based on a close reading of the literature, this is a massive subject and I’m not the expert here – I’m learning along with you. If you think I’ve missed the mark, do let me know either in the comments or via the Contact page. And if you’d like to participate in a series of conversations on this topic with other interested parents, do join us in the free Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group – just search for #Whiteprivilege to find the thread.
You might also be interested to listen back to ea…
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082: Regulating emotions: What, When, & How
21 januari 2019 · 38 min
We’ve already covered emotion regulation a few times on the show: there were these older short episodes on Three Reasons Not to Say “You’re OK!” and Modeling Emotion Regulation, as well as the more recent one on Dr. Stuart Shanker’s book Self-Reg. Lees meer
But I realized I’d never done the episode that should underlie all of these, which discusses what actually is emotion regulation and when (for crying out loud!) our children will be able to do it. So we cover that in this episode, as well as some resources to help you support your child in developing this capability, the most important of which is Dr. John Gottman’s book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child [affiliate link].
Download your free workbook!
If you’re in the thick of struggles with emotion regulation right now and you find yourself punishing or thinking about punishing your child for behavior that’s driving you crazy, you should definitely download the How to Stop Punishing Your Child (And What to Do Instead) workbook that gives you strategies to help both of you cope better with stressful situations.
Taming Your Triggers
If you need help with your own big feelings about your child’s behavior, register for the Taming Your Triggers workshop.
We’ll help you to:
Understand the real causes of your triggered feelings, and begin to heal the hurts that cause them
Use new tools like the ones Katie describes to find ways to meet both her and her children’s needs
Effectively repair with your children on the fewer instances when you are still triggered
Click the banner to sign up!
Jump to highlights
00:21 Introduction to the episode
02:31 Why children's feelings deserve to be trusted
03:32 Why there's no single definition of emotion regulation
10:16 How researchers assess a secure attachment relationship
13:32 Stages of emotion regulation development from infancy through age five
17:35 Why the toddler years can feel like backsliding, and why that's normal
23:04 What parenting behaviors help or hinde…
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081: How can I decide which daycare/preschool is right for my child?
7 januari 2019 · 31 min
I regularly receive questions from listeners asking me whether they should put their child in daycare or preschool and my response has typically been that there isn’t a lot of research on the benefits and drawbacks for middle class children on whether or not the child goes to daycare/preschool, and that is still true. I’ve done research on my listeners and while parents of all types listen to the show, the majority of you are fortunate enough to not be highly economically challenged. Lees meer
So in this episode we’ll talk about why preschool is considered to be such a good thing for children of lower-income families, and also what research is available on the effects – both positive and negative – of daycare and preschool on children of middle- and upper-income families.
You’ll also hear me mention in the show that it’s really, really difficult even for researchers to accurately measure the quality of a daycare/preschool setting because you can’t just get data on child:teacher ratios and teacher qualifications to do this. You have to actually visit the setting and understand the experience of the children to do this – but what do you look for? And what questions do you ask? In the show I mention a list of questions you can ask the staff and things you can look out for that Evelyn Nichols, M.Ed of Mighty Bambinis and I put together – Click here to download.
Let me know (in the comments below) if you have follow-up questions as you think through this decision for your family!
References
Bettinger, E., Haegeland, T., & Rege, M. (2013). Home with Mom: The effects of stay-at-home parents on children’s long-run educational outcomes. CESifo Working Paper No. 4274. Center for Economic Studies and IFO Institute (CESifo), Munich. Retrieved from http://hdl.handle.net/10419/77681Blanden, J., Hansen, K., & McNally, S. (2017). Quality in early years settings and children’s school achievement. CEP Discussion Paper #1468. Centre for Economic Performance.
Blau, F.D., & Grossberg, A.J…
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080: Self-Reg: Can it help our children?
24 december 2018 · 50 min
Emotion regulation: It’s one of the biggest challenges of childhood (and parenthood!). We all want our children to be able to do it, but they struggle with it so much, and this is the root of many of our own struggles in parenting. Lees meer
But instead of trying to get them to reduce the intensity of their emotions, should we instead be trying to reduce the stress they experience from things like a too-hard seat at school, itchy labels, and the scratch of cutlery on plates? Is there any peer-reviewed research supporting this idea?
We’ll find out in this, the most frustrating episode I’ve ever researched, on Dr. Stuart Shanker’s book Self-Reg!
References
Baumeister, R.F., Twenge, J.M., & Nuss, C.K. (2002). Effects of social exclusion on cognitive processes: Anticipated aloneness reduces intelligent thought. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 84(4), 817-827.
Crnic, K.A., & Greenberg, M.T. (1990). Minor parenting stresses with young children. Child Development 61(5), 1628-1637.
Davies, P.T., Woitach, M.J., Winter, M.A., & Cummings, E.M. (2008). Children’s insecure representations of interparental relationship and their school adjustment: The mediating role of attention difficulties. Child Development 79(5), 1570-1582.
Gershoff, E.T., & Font, S.A. (2016). Corporal punishment in U.S. public schools: Prevalence, disparities in use, and status in state and federal policy. Social Policy Report 30(1). Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1002/j.2379-3988.2016.tb00086.x
Grant, B. (2009, May 7). Elsevier published 6 fake journals. The Scientist. Retrieved from https://www.the-scientist.com/the-nutshell/elsevier-published-6-fake-journals-44160
Gross, J.J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry 26(1), 1-26. Full article available at http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.670.3420&rep=rep1&type=pdf
Hamoudi, Amar, Murray, Desiree W., Sorensen, L., & Fontaine, A. (2015). Self-Regulati…
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079: What is RIE?
10 december 2018 · 33 min
What is – WHAT? Lees meer
Resources for Infant Educarers, or RIE (pronounced like Rye bread) is the parenting approach that we use with our daughter Carys which is grounded in respect for the child. I’ve wanted to do an episode on this topic ever since I started the show but at first I didn’t want you thinking I was all California-granola-hippie-crazy and stop listening. Now I figure there are enough of you that have been listening for quite a while that you’re willing to at least listen to this ‘respect for children’ idea.
Because it’s no exaggeration to say that it has literally transformed my parenting, and underpins every interaction I have with my daughter. I’m so proud of the relationship we have that’s based in our respect for each other.
In this episode we’ll cover a brief history of how RIE came into existence, Magda Gerber’s eight qualities of a good parent, and how to encourage your child to play independently…
And I’ll be honest and say that this is probably the first episode in the entire show which is not grounded in scientific research because I wanted to give you an overview of RIE first – and also discuss the parts of it we didn’t/don’t practice, before we devote an entire upcoming episode to what aspects of RIE are supported by scientific research – so stay tuned for that!
References
Gerber, M., & Johnson, A. (2002). Your self-confident baby: How to encourage your child’s natural abilities – from the very start. Nashville, TN: Turner.
Gerber, M. (2003). Dear Parent: Caring for infants with respect. Los Angeles, CA: Resources for Infant Educarers.
Karp, H. (2004). The ‘fourth trimester’: A framework and strategy for understanding and resolving colic. Retrieved from https://www.drdefranca.com/the-fourth-trimester-and-colic.html
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078: You have parenting goals; do you know what they are?
26 november 2018 · 48 min
We all have goals for our children, even if these are things that we’ve never formally articulated and are ideas we’ve inherited from half-remembered bits of parenting books and blogs (and the occasional podcast) and the way we were parented ourselves. Lees meer
But do you ever find that the way you’re parenting in the moment doesn’t necessarily support your overarching goals? So, if you have a goal to raise an independent child but every time the child struggles with something you step in and “help,” then your daily interactions with your child may not help your child to achieve that independence.
In this episode Dr. Joan Grusec of the University of Toronto helps us to think through some of the ways we can shift our daily interactions with our children to ones that bring our relationship with them (rather than our need for compliance) to the fore in a way that supports our longer-term parenting goals.
Dr. Joan Grusec's Book
Parenting and children's internatlization of values: A handbook of contemporary theory - Affiliate link
Jump to highlights
02:17 Introduction to Dr. Joan Grusec, professor emerita and researcher on socialization
05:53 How each type of goal leads to different strategies, from power assertion to perspective-taking
09:47 The gap between the values parents state and the behaviors they actually model
16:07 Where the parenting "autopilot" comes from, and why it's worth resetting
22:22 Introducing the domain approach to socialization
23:31 The protection domain: comforting distress and building trust
24:48 The reciprocity domain: how honoring a child's reasonable requests builds willing compliance later
29:42 The control domain: what actually works when addressing misbehavior
30:54 The guided learning domain: scaffolded conversations, like noticing someone experiencing homelessness
33:34 The group participation domain: learning values through observation and shared activity
37:57 Universal values across cultures, and why benevolence outperforms …
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077: Are forest schools any better for children than regular schools?
12 november 2018 · 52 min
If you’ve been following the show for a while now, you’ll know that my daughter and I LOVE to spend time outside. I looked at the research on the benefits of outdoor play for young children, and in my interview with Dr. Scott Sampson on his book How to Raise a Wild Child, so I am already convinced of its benefits for young children. Lees meer
So doesn’t it go without saying that these benefits will continue for older children, and that if we allowed school-aged children to spend more time outside then all kinds of improved learning outcomes would follow?
When I started digging into the research I was shocked by what I found. Studies employing poor-quality methodology abound. I’m not sure a control group exists in the whole lot of them. And “results” are measured in terms of how much students like the program, or how much their self-esteem has improved (as subjectively measured by a teacher’s evaluation).
One of the best papers I found on the topic was written by Dr. Mark Leather – it acknowledges the potential benefits of forest schools while removing the rose-tinted glasses to clearly see the limitations of the research base on this topic as well. So invited Dr. Leather onto the show to explore what are forest schools, what may be their benefits, and whether he would send his child to one…
Jump to highlights
01:58 Introduction to Dr. Mark Leather, senior lecturer in outdoor education and author of a critique of forest school
03:18 Tracing forest school's roots to Scandinavian "friluftsliv" and how the concept shifted crossing cultures
06:25 Victorian British schooling history and why "wet play" still exists in UK primary schools today
13:19 Defining forest school: child-led learning, all-weather sessions, and trained leaders
16:45 The role of the campfire, and an evolutionary psychology case for why humans like fire, coastlines, and high views
20:29 Is being outdoors itself essential, or is it really about personal and social development?
25:03 Extending traditio…
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076: How to rock your parent-teacher conference
29 oktober 2018 · 53 min
Parent-Teacher conferences are about to be underway in many places, so I thought it might be helpful to give you some resources to make these as productive for you and your child as possible. Lees meer
In this episode we talk with Dr. Margaret Caspe and Dr. Elena Lopez of the Global Family Research Project, which develops authentic partnerships to support children’s learning in the home, school, and community. I actually used Dr. Lopez’ textbook for my Master’s in Education, so I’ve been familiar with her work for a while and knew she and her colleagues at GFRP were just the right people to help us learn more about Parent-Teacher conferences (for example, did you know that teachers find them just as scary as parents?!) and understand how to advocate for our child – and for all of the children in our community.
The resource guide on Parent-Teacher Conferences that we reference throughout this episode can be found here.
Jump to highlights
02:45 Introduction to Dr. Maggie Caspe and Dr. Elena Lopez of the Global Family Research Project
03:13 Why teachers dread parent-teacher conferences, and how the format itself sets up tension
11:27 The five R's framework: Reach Out, Raise Up, Reinforce, Relate, and Reimagine
13:54 Reach Out: flexibility, interpreters, transportation, and letting the school know your needs ahead of time
16:41 Raise Up: asking your child what they want the teacher to know before the conference
19:14 Reinforce: honoring different cultural approaches to language, literacy, and math at home
26:27 Relate: how parent-teacher conferences can help build social networks between families
30:56 A critical look at behavior chart systems like stoplights and Class Dojo
34:40 Reframing test scores and grades as progress data rather than a verdict on the child (or parent)
36:42 Reimagine: partnering with libraries and other community resources to track and support learning
41:34 Keeping intrinsic motivation alive alongside grades, standardized tests, and other p…
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075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?
15 oktober 2018 · 1 uur 12 min
A couple of months ago, an article by journalist Melinda Wenner Moyer – whose work I normally greatly respect – started making the rounds on Facebook. Then (knowing my approach to parenting) a couple of readers emailed it to me and asked me what I thought of it. Lees meer
The article was called Go Ahead: Heap Rewards On Your Kid, with the subtitle: Parents are told stickers and trinkets for good behavior will ruin their children—but the research is wildly misunderstood.
Moyer’s main point is that while a large number of sources state that rewards are detrimental to children’s development (largely to their intrinsic motivation), “the literature on the potential dangers of rewards has been misinterpreted while the findings on its benefits have been largely overlooked.”
I had already done an episode on the negative impact of rewards on children’s development. I was prepared to wholeheartedly disagree with Moyer’s article. But I came out of it sort of half-convinced that she might be right.
So I came up with a two-pronged approach to the research for this episode. Firstly, I would dig into all the research that she read (and some more besides) to fully understand the evidence she consults, with one guiding premise:
Is it possible that Moyer is right? Is it possible that rewards have some benefit for children and for families?
And secondly, I wanted to ask Alfie Kohn – the author of Punished by Rewards – to address these issues in-person.
Spoiler alert: heaping rewards on your kid is great for gaining compliance. If compliance is what you want in your child.
Get a free guide called How to Stop Using Rewards To Gain Your Child’s Compliance (And what to do instead)
To tie in to this week’s episode, I have a FREE guide called How to Stop Using Rewards To Gain Your Child’s Compliance (And what to do instead) available as a preview of the membership group content. Each month you’ll get a guide just like this, walking you through a different aspect of parenting and helping you…
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074: Attachment: What it is, what it’s not, how to do it, and how to stop stressing about it
1 oktober 2018 · 55 min
Is attachment the same as bonding? Lees meer
Can I have a healthy attachment with my baby if I don’t breastfeed?
Do I have to babywear to develop an attachment to my baby?
Will being apart from my baby disrupt our attachment relationship?
Is co-sleeping critical to attachment?
These are just a few of the questions that listeners wrote to me after I sent out a call for questions on Attachment. This was such an enormous topic to cover that Dr. Arietta Slade and I did the best we could in the time we had, and we did indeed cover a lot of ground.
If you’ve ever been curious about the scientific evidence on how attachment forms, what are its benefits, and what it has NOT been shown to do, this is the episode for you. We also cover reflective functioning, one of the central ways that the attachment relationship develops, and discuss how to improve our skills in this arena.
Check this episode for more attachment research: Most of what you know about attachment is probably wrong
Dr. Arietta Slade's Book
Attachment in therapeutic practice - Affiliate link
Jump to highlights
00:37 Introduction to Dr. Arietta Slade, clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center
01:58 Defining attachment: the biological drive to connect, seek safety, and explore
04:50 The subtle nonverbal ways parents communicate the world to infants
07:13 Regulation: how being soothed by a parent builds a child's own capacity to self-regulate
13:19 What to do when a baby won't stop crying and you can't figure out why
16:46 Developmental milestones in attachment between 18 months and 2.5 years
22:15 Reflective functioning: staying aware of your own emotions to better understand your child's
29:22 A brief note on family separation at the border and its documented psychological harm
31:26 Daycare separation anxiety: knowing when it's a normal adjustment versus a deeper problem
35:28 Is daycare harmful? Weighing resilience, quality of care, and lack of societal support
41:17 A critical look at baby…
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073: What to do when your child refuses to go to school
17 september 2018 · 1 uur 1 min
We’re a couple of weeks into the new school year by now and I hope that for most of you the morning drop-offs have gotten a bit easier than they were in the beginning. Lees meer
But some of you may still be struggling with a child who doesn’t want to go to school, who resists you leaving at drop-0ff time, and who might be suddenly suffering from stomachaches and headaches (particularly on Sunday nights or weekday mornings) that had not previously been a problem.
Today’s interview with Dr. Jonathan Dalton, director of the Center for Anxiety and Behavioral Change in Rockville, MD is going to help us understand whether our child is having a ‘normal’ amount of difficulty transitioning to school or if they are struggling enough that they might need extra help – and if so, what to do about it.
Jump to highlights
01:24 Introduction to Dr. Jonathan Dalton, psychologist specializing in anxiety-based school refusal
03:13 Why ages 5-6 are a common onset point for separation-related school refusal
07:02 Where normal separation anxiety ends and separation anxiety disorder begins
09:09 The four functions behind school-refusal behavior: positive reinforcement, tangible rewards, and negative reinforcement through escape or avoidance
18:10 Risk factors for school refusal, including behavioral inhibition in infancy
22:34 The role of the teacher-student attachment relationship, and a 40,000-student Chicago study on liking school
26:17 A vicious cycle: how negative attention and disruptive behavior can compound for some students
29:31 Long-term consequences of school refusal, including lower high school graduation rates
32:36 How to tell ordinary adjustment from a problem serious enough to need professional help
38:08 The four-part treatment model: psychoeducation, exposure therapy, parent training, and school consultation
44:13 Clarifying exposure therapy versus the broader, often misused term "CBT"
50:07 Everyday strategies for parents: routines, "watering the seeds, not the we…