Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive
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RE-RELEASE: Why storytelling is so important for our children
2 januari 2022 · 39 min
“Storytelling? I’m already reading books to my child – isn’t that enough?” Lees meer
Your child DOES get a lot out of reading books (which is why we’ve done a several episodes on that already, including What children learn from reading books, How to read with your child, and Did you already miss the boat on teaching your toddler how to read?.
But it turns out that storytelling benefits our relationship with our child in ways that reading books really can’t, because you’re looking at the book rather than at your child. If you ask your child what kind of story they’d like you to tell, you also get incredible insight into both their interests and concerns – I can attest to this, as I’ve been singing story-songs about poop and various kinds of baby animals who can’t find their mamas on and off for several weeks now (we had an incident a few months back where she couldn’t find me in a store).
In this episode we also discuss the ways that people from different cultures tell stories, and what implications this has for them as they interact with our education system.
Jump to highlights
02:35 Where to start in supporting your child's learning
07:20 Introduction of episode
08:00 History of storytelling
12:25 Approaches in censoring the stories of our children
14:36 What are the benefits of storytelling
25:25 Why we should tell stories
31:05 2 short stories Kendall Haven used in his book Story Proof
35:45 Ideas to convey
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00:01
If we want our children to have the best chance to live fulfilling lives, that can you keep up with all the books and scientific research on parenting, and fit the information into your own philosophy on how to raise kids. Welcome to Your Parenting Mojo, the podcast that does the work for you by investigating and examining respectful research-based parenting tools to help kids thrive. Now welcome your host, Jen Lumanlan.
Jen Lumanlan 00:38
Hello, and welcome to the Your …
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RE-RELEASE: How to read with your child with Dr. Laura Froyen
19 december 2021 · 55 min
Way, waaay back in Episode 3, we wondered whether we had missed the boat on teaching our babies to read (didn’t you teach your baby how to read?). We eventually decided that we hadn’t, but given that many parents have a goal of instilling a love of reading into their children, what’s the best way to go about doing that? And what if your child is the kind who wriggles out of your lap at the mere sight of a book? Lees meer
Our second-ever repeat guest, Dr. Laura Froyen, helps us to delve into the research on this topic. We conclude by talking through some of the things parents can do to promote a love of reading, because it turns out it’s not as intuitive as one might think!
Dr. Froyen's 11 Ways to Support Your Child in Learning to Read PDF guide.
Jump to highlights
00:39 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Laura Froyen
03:16 What the research says are the benefits of shared reading
05:31 What most parents naturally do when reading with a child
08:10 The bias in reading research toward White, middle-class families
10:33 What scaffolding means, with real examples from Laura's kids
15:07 Child-led versus parent-led reading, in concrete terms
19:32 What dialogic reading is and how it's taught
24:10 A surprising number: shared reading accounts for only 8% of the variance in literacy
28:16 What to do if a child doesn't want to read
31:39 Why children spend so little time looking at the print itself
37:09 Publication bias and why "no effect" studies rarely get published
39:16 Practical, low-pressure ways to build literacy into daily life
50:22 Activities for parents who don't enjoy reading themselves
52:42 Does shared reading still matter once a child can read alone?
References
Bus, A.G. (2001). Joint caregiver-child storybook reading: A route to literacy development. In S.B. Neuman & D.K. Dickinson Handbook of Early Literacy Research. New York: Guilford.
Bus, A.G., van IJzendoorn, M.H., & Pellegrini, A.D. (1995). Joint book reading makes for success in lea…
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RE-RELEASE: Parenting beyond pink and blue with Dr. Christia Brown
5 december 2021 · 51 min
Today I join forces with Malaika Dower of the How to Get Away with Parenting podcast to interview Dr. Christia Brown, who is a Professor of Developmental and Social Psychology at the University of Kentucky, where she studies the development of gender identity and children’s experience of gender discrimination. Lees meer
Dr. Brown’s book, Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue (Affiliate link), helps parents to really understand the scientific research around gender differences in children, which is a harder task than with some other topics because there’s just a lot of bad research out there on this one. I ask about theories of gender development while Malaika keeps us grounded with questions about how this stuff works in the real world, and we both resolve to shift our behavior toward our daughters just a little bit.
Related Episodes
Interview with Yarrow Dunham on how social groups form
Interview with Kang Lee on children’s lying (yep – your kid does it too!)
Jump to highlights
00:30 Introduction to the episode and guests Dr. Christia Brown and Malaika Dower
02:47 Are there real brain differences between young boys and girls?
06:22 Why boys report more confidence in math than girls, despite similar ability
08:11 A striking finding: parents use three times more math talk with sons
12:38 The myth of girls being more verbal, and where it comes from
16:09 A classic study: the same baby dressed in pink versus blue
20:39 What's really going on when a child is mistaken for the "wrong" gender
22:01 How elaborate gender stereotypes show up by age three or four
24:19 Why pointing out stereotypes explicitly matters so much
36:02 "Boys will be boys and cows will be cows": how children reason about gender
39:22 How gender segregation in play reshapes the brain through synaptic pruning
41:35 Practical ways to counter gender segregation outside of school
44:43 Why this effort is worth it: what happens as kids get older
References
Brown, C.S. (2014). Parenting beyond pink and …
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RE-RELEASE: Why isn’t my child grateful with Dr. Jonathan Tudge
21 november 2021 · 46 min
“I spent the whole morning painting and doing origami and felting projects with my daughter – and not only did she not say “thank you,” but she refused to help clean up!” (I actually said this myself this morning:-)) Lees meer
“We took our son to Disneyland and went on every ride he wanted to go on except one, which was closed, and he spent the rest of the trip whining about how the whole trip was ruined because he didn’t get to go on that one ride.” (I hope I never have to say this one…I’m not sure I could make it through Disneyland in one piece.)
You might recall that we did an episode a while back on manners, and what the research says about teaching manners, and how what the research says about teaching manners comes from the assumption that manners MUST be explicitly taught – that your child will NOT learn to say “thank you” unless you tell your child “say thank you” every time someone gives them a gift.
We also talked about how parent educator Robin Einzig uses the concept of “modeling graciousness” and that if you treat other people graciously, when your child is ready, she will be gracious as well. The problem here, of course, is that most people expect your child to display some kind of manners before they are developmentally ready to really understand the concept behind it.
But what really underlies manners? Well, ideas like gratitude. Because when we train children to say “thank you” before they are ready to do it themselves they might learn to recite the words at the appropriate time, but they aren’t really experiencing gratitude.
Dr. Jonathan Tudge of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro tells us much more about this, and how we can scaffold our child’s ability to experience gratitude, if we decide we might want to do that.
Dr. Tudge’s book, Developing Gratitude in Children and Adolescents (co-edited with Dr. Lia B. L. Freitas) contains lots more academic research on this topic if you’re interested.
Jump to highlights
00:38 Introduction to the …
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RE-RELEASE: Becoming Brilliant – Interview with Prof. Roberta Golinkoff
7 november 2021 · 43 min
In just a few years, today’s children and teens will forge careers that look nothing like those that were available to their parents or grandparents. While the U.S. economy becomes ever more information-driven, our system of education seems stuck on the idea that “content is king,” neglecting other skills that 21st century citizens sorely need. Lees meer
Backed by the latest scientific evidence and illustrated with examples of what’s being done right in schools today, Becoming Brilliant (Affiliate link) introduces the “6Cs” collaboration, communication, content, critical thinking, creative innovation, and confidence along with ways parents can nurture their children’s development in each area.
Join me for an engaging chat with award-winning Professor Roberta Golinkoff about the key takeaways from the book.
Jump to highlights
00:33 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Roberta Golinkoff
02:04 Why she and Kathy Hirsh-Pasek wrote Becoming Brilliant
04:02 The book's mission statement and the Six Cs framework
09:09 Why memorization alone isn't enough anymore
13:07 Content: following a toddler's curiosity, from dinosaurs to spiders
19:08 Letting go of the pressure to set up "learning activities"
21:08 Strive for Five: what makes a real back-and-forth conversation
23:14 Beyond the 30 million word gap: why quality of talk matters more than quantity
28:38 Grit, failure, and modeling perseverance for kids
32:27 Reconciling praise, rewards, and Carol Dweck's growth mindset research
37:57 Being your child's advocate inside an imperfect school system
References
Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit Scale. Available at: http://angeladuckworth.com/grit-scale/ (Duckworth also wrote a book, although I haven’t read it…yet…: http://angeladuckworth.com/grit-book/)
Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. New York, NY: Random House.
Golinkoff, R.M., & Hirsch-Pasek, K. (2016). Becoming Brilliant: What science tells us about raising successful children. Washington, D.C.…
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[Looking back and looking ahead]
31 oktober 2021 · 18 min
In this short episode, I reflect on where we’ve been over the past year, my plans to slow down a bit at the end of the year (as well as a super exciting project I’m working on!), and what episodes we have lined up for the new year. Lees meer
In this episode, I also mention something I haven’t done for a while, which is that it’s possible to donate to support the show. You might know that it takes 20-40 hours to do the research for each episode (although my record is about 80 hours for the show on Self-Reg, because the research was in such a mess and I had to check what I was reading with several developmental psychologists who tempered the claims of the person who created the concept of Self-Reg!).
A core group of listeners (shout out to: Jacqueline B., Rebekah S., Elizabeth M., Kelsey B., Jessica S., Crystian M., Megan P., Alison O., and Cristin B.) have helped to sustain the show over the last months and years.
If the show has helped you, would you consider making a donation to support it?
You can now do this from any episode page. If a particular episode has given you an insight or a tool that resonated with you and/or your child, I’d be really grateful if you would make a one-time donation to acknowledge that, or consider a recurring donation to help me keep making more episodes for you. I know there’s always the temptation to say that “eh; I don’t have time right now and it probably doesn’t make that much of a difference and someone else will do it anyway.” And maybe they will, but as we all know, if everyone thinks like that, then the work doesn’t get supported….
I mention in the episode that I’m writing a book! And the e-book will be available for a sliding scale price on this website, to help everyone who wants to read it be able to read it, no matter what their financial constraints. I also now make every course and membership I offer over a $100 threshold available with sliding scale pricing, and invite folks who can’t afford even the minimum price to get in t…
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SYPM 016: Getting it right from the start with a new baby
24 oktober 2021 · 38 min
In this episode we do something we haven’t done before - talk with podcast listeners who aren’t parents yet! Lees meer
Kellie and Jon are an amazing couple living in Tennessee. Kellie is a bit of a planner (by which I mean that during her Ph.D program Jon noticed Kellie was getting stressed about when they were going to have a baby, so she led them through a four-hour planning session factoring in the baby’s birth and ages at likely dates for her to enter post-doctoral programs and fellowships and landed on February 2021 as the optimal time to conceive - so they started trying in February and she got pregnant in February!).
Jon, by contrast, is a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. He’s the kind of person who just knows everything is probably going to turn out OK without needing to worry about the details too much. He already knew Kellie was going to be a great parent, while she was much less convinced - although now she knows that babies drink milk rather than water, she’s off to a running start!
Kellie devoured all the pregnancy podcasts she could find (my favorite is the Pregnancy Podcast - host Vanessa basically does the same thing I do here at YPM for the pregnancy stage) and then moved onto the child development podcasts, which is how she found YPM - and she was drawn to the research-based information she found here.
Jon describes the whole experience as an “uncertainty sandwich” - there was a lot of uncertainty in the beginning about whether and when they’d be able to have a baby: “and then it really certain really fast!” And after that it became uncertain again as they looked to figure out what life with a baby would be like.
Jump to highlights
01:00 Kellie & Jon are expecting parents who have just gone through the Right From the Start Course
02:25 Kellie and Jon’s background: Jon grew up in a home where he had older women in their family who looked after him and younger nieces that he was also a caretaker of, and Kellie grew up in a very structured environment that…
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146: The Rested Child with Dr. Chris Winter
17 oktober 2021 · 1 uur 10 min
Sleep! It’s a topic that’s on pretty much every parent’s mind. We’ve already looked at this from a cultural perspective, where we learned our Western approach to sleep is by no means universal, and that this can result in quite a few of the problems we face in getting our children to sleep. Lees meer
In this episode we dive deep into the practicalities of sleep with Dr. Chris Winter, who has practiced sleep medicine and neurology since 2004. His first book, The Sleep Solution, Why Your Sleep Is Broken and How To Fix It (affiliate link) was focused on adults’ sleep challenges, and I’ve been putting the ideas in it into practice and have been getting better sleep as a result.
His new book is The Rested Child: Why Your Tired, Wired, or Irritable Child May Have a Sleep Disorder--And How to Help (affiliate link), and is based on Dr. Winters’ almost two decades of experience of evaluating children in the sleep clinic that he founded.
We’ll look at ways that you can get more sleep (or maybe even more rest that feels almost as restful as sleep), whether you can shift your (or your child’s!) sleep patterns, how to banish bedtime struggles for good, and so much more!
This episode is for all parents, but especially for those who are expecting or have a child under the age of one, and who are desperately trying to get more sleep (or worried about being in that phase of life in the near future!). We’ll help you get started on the right foot so you can know you’re doing the best for your child - and for yourself as well.
Dr. Chris Winter's Books:
The Rested Child: Why Your Tired, Wired, or Irritable Child May Have a Sleep Disorder--and How to Help
The Sleep Solution: Why Your Sleep is Broken and How to Fix It (Affiliate links).
Jump to highlights
01:00 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Chris Winter
04:24 Jen challenges Chris's stance on bed-sharing
09:52 Where the real danger in co-sleeping comes from
16:19 Reframing sleep struggles around needs
17:45 Distinguishing a…
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145: How to Sugarproof your kids with Dr. Michael Goran
3 oktober 2021 · 53 min
Sugar has a bad name these days - much like fat did back in the 1990s. "Research shows" that it's addictive...that it shrinks your brain...that it's likely to lead to all kinds of health problems. Lees meer
But will it really?
I interviewed Dr. Michael Goran, author of the recent book Sugarproof: The Hidden Dangers of Sugar that are Putting Your Child’s Health at Risk and What You Can Do. This is a pretty alarming title, and I was interested to dig into the research behind the book as a continuation of our exploration of topics related to parenting and food. It turns out that yes, there’s a lot of research on this topic. And a lot of it supports the idea that sugar may be harmful to children...but the case wasn't nearly as clear-cut as I'd imagined it would be.
In this episode we discuss the research on which the book is based, and what practical steps parents can take to reduce their child's sugar intake if they decide they want to do that.
Dr. Michael Goran's Book
Sugarproof: Protect Your Family from the Hidden Dangers of Excess Sugar with Simple Everyday Fixes (Affiliate link).
Jump to highlights
01:01 Introduction of episode
03:50 Children's preference for sugary foods
08:27 How does fructose differ from glucose and other forms of sugar that humans ingest and where can we find it
12:46 What is the effect of fructose on our body
16:04 Why Dr. Goran would recommend dried fruit as a sweetener when we see fructose should be less consumed off
18:19 How children respond acutely to different types of meals
21:53 Where can we truly understand children's behavior after they've consumed sugar and low-calorie sweeteners and no sweetener at all
38:20 A Big source of added sugar is in liquid form
39:52 Dr. Goran's breakfast experiment
43:12 Why does Dr. Goran recommend less intake of carbohydrates
46:31 Overall message to parents about the episodeReferences:
Bayol, S.A., Farrington, S.J., & Stickland, N.C. (2007). A maternal ‘junk food’ diet in pregnancy and lactation promo…
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SYPM 015: How to support each unique child’s learning journey
19 september 2021 · 54 min
I hear from a lot of parents who are worried about their children’s learning. They tell me things like:“I want to encourage my child’s learning and creativity and confidence as a learner without solely focusing on literacy and numeracy.” Lees meer
“We’ve been in lockdown here in Melbourne for a very long time, with my older kids learning remotely, and I feel that a lot of the tasks they are given by their school are a bit … uninspiring. It’s so cool when there is something that really engages them and I’m trying to find more things like that.”
“I am wary about the school system squashing the natural instinct to learn, as I feel it did with me. But I'm hoping we can provide the attitude and environment at home to mitigate this.”
“What we have read about traditional schooling is a bit disheartening but something we have to embrace for now. So it is important that with the time we have outside of school we do the best we can to encourage his spark for exploration and learning.”
“My children are already in school. Even though they (and I) are happy with their school and learning so far, I would love to learn how I can support them better and help them being more motivated and stay curious. The challenges of distant-learning that we experienced during the lockdowns have highlighted that I find it difficult to be a good teacher for them and I would like to change that.”
If you could have said (or have already said!) one or more of these things yourself, then I want to introduce you to Madeline.She describes all three of her children as ‘spirited’ (you can kind of see it in their eyes, right?!)
When I first met her, she wanted to know that she was doing everything she could to support their intrinsic love of learning in the preschool years - and she wasn’t sure whether or not they would go to school. In this episode we discuss some of the Learning Explorations she’s done with them, how she became confident that she really was meeting each child’s learning needs, and what deci…
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144: Supporting Your Gifted Child
11 september 2021 · 58 min
Is your child gifted? Lees meer
Do you wonder if they're gifted but aren't quite sure?
Do you want to know how to support your gifted child's learning in a way that doesn't pressure them or make them resist working with you?
If so, this episode will help.
I have to say, I wasn't sure where this one was going to end up. I was really uneasy about the concept of giftedness from the outset, perhaps because the way I had previously come into contact with it was through our conversation with Dr. Allison Roda, from whom we learned how some parents manipulate the Gifted & Talented program in New York City to perpetuate segregated education.
But even so, I tried to go into the research with an open mind. What if it's just the G&T programs as they're set up in New York City that are the problem, not the entire concept of giftedness itself?
The good news is that there's a good deal of evidence on what kinds of programs benefit gifted children. And in this episode I end up arguing that we shouldn't just put gifted children in them, but that all children would benefit from learning using these methods.
Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity?
While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.
The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.
When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today's world.
Click the banner to learn more!
Learning Membership
Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun …
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143: The Extended Mind with Annie Murphy Paul
5 september 2021 · 57 min
We don’t just think with our brains. Lees meer
What?!
How can that possibly be true?
I struggled to understand it if myself for quite a while, until I read the fabulous English philosopher Andy Clark’s description of what happens when someone writes, which essentially involves ideas flowing down the arm and hand, through the pen and ink, across the paper, up to your eyes, and back to your brain.
The ideas don’t literally flow, of course, but the process of writing alters the process of thinking - which is why research has shown that processing traumatic memories through journaling about them is more useful just thinking about them - the act of writing about them changes our interpretation of them in a way that just thinking about them doesn’t.
The challenge with school-based learning, of course, is that it’s primarily concerned with the brain. Our task is to remember facts and ideas so we can recount them when asked about them at a later time. Children who fidget are told to sit still, when the research that Annie Murphy Paul cites in her new book The Extended Mind indicates that this instruction is entirely misplaced - fidgeting can be a way of managing excess energy, and movement can actually help us to remember things more effectively than we otherwise would.
In this episode we learn many of the different ways that we our brains interact with the outside world to learn in ways that we might never have considered up to now.
Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity?
While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.
The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.
When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resil…
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142: Division of Responsibility with Ellyn Satter
15 augustus 2021 · 57 min
Do you worry that your child isn't eating enough...or is eating too much? Lees meer
Do you wish they would eat a more balanced diet...but don't want to be the Vegetable Police?
Do you find yourself in constant negotiations over your child's favorite snacks?
You're not alone!
Join me for a conversation with Ellyn Satter MS, MSSW, author of many books including Child of Mine: Feeding With Love and Good Sense. Ms. Satter developed the approach to feeding children that's known as Division of Responsibility, which means that the parent is responsible for the what, when, and where of eating, and the child is responsible for whether and how much.
It all sounds pretty simple, but when you're actually navigating eating with your child it can seem a whole lot more complicated:
Should we worry about our child's eating in the long term if they won't eat vegetables now?
Should we restrict access to children's food?
What should we do about picky eating?
Ms. Satter helps us to understand her ideas on these important questions and much more.
In the conversation we discussed some questions that you can answer to identify whether you are what Ms. Satter defines as Eating Competent:
Do you agree or disagree with these statements?
I enjoy food and
I am comfortable with my enjoyment of food and
I take an interest in unfamiliar food.
I eat as much as I am hungry for.
I plan for feeding myself.
Agreeing with these statements indicates you are likely Eating Competent. Disagreeing means you are missing out on eating as one of life’s great pleasures and putting up with a lot of unnecessary misery. Do you have to be miserable to eat well and be healthy? Not at all. People who are Eating Competent eat better and are healthier: they weigh less, have better medical tests, and function better, emotionally and socially.
Ellyn Satter's Books:
Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense
Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family: How to Eat, How to Raise Good Eaters, How to Cook
How to Get …
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SYPM 014: The power of healing in community
1 augustus 2021 · 52 min
When you’re learning a new skill, information is critical. Without that, it’s very difficult to make any kind of meaningful change. Lees meer
But I see a parallel between learning new skills and respectful parenting: I like to say that love between parent and child is necessary but not sufficient - and that respect is the missing ingredient. With learning a new skill, knowledge is necessary - but not sufficient.
And support is the missing ingredient.
You might remember from our conversation with Dr. Chris Niebauer a while ago that our overactive left brains tend to make up stories about our experiences to integrate these experiences into the narratives we tell about ourselves.
If we’re “the kind of person who triumphs through adversity,” a setback will be taken in stride. If we’re “the kind of person who has been hurt,” each new individual hurt makes much more of a mark. The new experiences have to be made to fit with the framework that’s already in place.
Especially when you’re learning a skill related to difficult experiences you’ve had, your left brain wants to keep itself safe. It might tell you: “I don’t need to do this. Things aren’t that bad. I’ll just wait until later / tomorrow / next week.”
And when that happens, you need support. That support can be from a great friend, although sometimes you don’t want even your closest friends to know that you shout at or smack your child.
Therapy can be really helpful - but it’s also really expensive.
Sometimes the thing that’s most helpful is someone who’s learning the tools alongside you (so they aren’t trying to look back and remember what it was like to be in your situation; theirs is different, but they are struggling too…) who isn’t a regular presence in your life.
There’s no danger you’re going to run into them at the supermarket, or a kid’s birthday party.
You can actually be really honest with them and know it won’t come and bite you in the butt.
That’s what today’s guests, Marci and Elizabeth, discovered wh…
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141: The Body Keeps The Score with Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
25 juli 2021 · 47 min
How does trauma affect us? Lees meer
Yes, we feel it in our brains - we get scared, frustrated, and angry - often for reasons we don’t fully understand.
But even if our brains have managed to cover up the trauma; to paper a veneer over it so everything seems fine, that doesn’t mean everything actually is fine - because as our guest in this episode, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk says: The Body Keeps The Score.
What he means is that the effects of the trauma you’ve experienced don’t just go away, and can’t just be papered over. Your body will still hold the evidence in tension, headaches, irritability (of minds and bowels), insomnia...and all of this may come out when your child does something you wish they wouldn’t.
Perhaps it’s something your parent always used to resent doing, and made it super clear to you every time they did it for you.
Perhaps it was something you did as a child and were punished for doing (maybe you were even hit for it...your body is literally remembering this trauma when your child reproduces the behavior).
Lack of manners, talking back, making a mess, not doing as you were told, being silly...even if logically you now know that these are relatively small things, when your child does them it brings back your body’s memories of what happened to you.
Dr. van der Kolk helps us to understand more about how this shows up for us. Sometimes understanding can be really helpful. But sometimes you also need new tools, and support as you learn them, and accountability.
If you’re struggling with your reactions to your child’s difficult behavior - whether you’re going into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode, the Taming Your Triggers wokrshop can help.
Click the banner to learn more!
Dr. Van der Kolk's Book:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Affiliate link).
Jump to highlights:
01:00 Introducing Dr. van der Kolk
01:58 Invitation to the Taming Your Triggers Workshop
02:56 A note on some technical difficulties we had …
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SYPM 013: Triggered all the time to emotional safety
17 juli 2021 · 54 min
When we're having a hard time interacting with our family members, it's pretty common for our first reaction to be: "I need this person (or these people!) to change their behavior" - especially when this person (or these people!) are children. After all, we've been around for longer and we know what we're doing and we were fine before our children started misbehaving, right? Lees meer
My guest today, parent-of-three Chrystal, had encountered this mentality not just about her children, but also about her husband. In fact, when she went to couple's therapy with her husband it was with a sense of relief: "Finally, I'm going to find out what's wrong with him, because there's nothing wrong with me!"
She always figured: "If that person didn't act like that then I wouldn't need to react the way I'm reacting...and I legitimately thought that everyone else was responsible for my behavior."
Then she realized that her husband wasn't responsible for how she was feeling...she was.
Now she was ready to make the same leap related to her relationship with her spirited children, but needed new tools. They would melt down over every tiny issue (not enough honey on the oatmeal! Now not enough cream! I don't WANT to get dressed!), and Chrystal found herself constantly scrambling to placate them.
Join us for a conversation about the new ideas she's learned, and how her children now don't cooperate blindly because she's forcing them, but express their agency while finding ways to collaborate that also meet their needs. They have real agency in her family (they know she'll hear them and respect their ideas) and because of this, the little issues that used to provoke regular meltdowns are easily solved. And Chrystal is learning how to set boundaries so she doesn't get walked all over - by her children, or by other members of her family.
Want to make a similar shift in your own interactions with your children? The Taming Your Triggers workshop will help.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump …
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140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon
4 juli 2021 · 55 min
This episode kicks off a series on the intersection of parenting and food. Lees meer
We begin today with a conversation with Dr. Lindo Bacon, where we bust a LOT of myths about the obesity epidemic that is said to be plaguing people in the United States and other countries that follow a similar diet.
The messaging we get from government entities seems pretty simple: being fat is bad for you. It causes increased risk for a host of diseases as well as early death. If you're fat, you should lose weight because then your risk of getting these diseases and dying early will be reduced.
But what if this wasn't true?
What if this messaging had been established by people who own companies that manufacture weight loss products who sit on panels that advise international governmental entities like the World Health Organization?
What if body fat was actually protective for your health?
We dig into all these questions and more in this provocative interview.
We'll continue this series with episodes looking specifically at sugar, as well as supporting parents who have or continue to struggle with disordered eating, and how to support children in developing eating habits that will serve them for a lifetime, not just get the vegetables into them today.
Jump to highlights:
(01:00) Introducing Dr. Lindo Bacon and starting our series of episodes on the intersection of parenting and food
(02:22) Stripping the word ‘fat’ of it’s pejorative meaning and reclaiming the term while acknowledging that it may be jarring for some people
(03:09) Kicking off the conversation with how we measure health using BMI and how it might not be accurate
(05:03) The resistance to Katherine Flegal’s seminal research in weight and longevity
(05:49) The development of the Body Mass Index was with scientific bias to fit the bell curve
(07:30) Higher body weight does not necessarily mean a person has greater risk of poor health
(10:59) We actually know that the research is highly exaggerated in terms on the…
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139: How to keep your child safe from guns (even if you don’t own one)
20 juni 2021 · 45 min
Many of us haven't been in each other's homes for a while now, but pretty soon we'll be getting together inside again. And our children will be heading inside, in their friends' houses. Lees meer
People store guns inside.
Are you certain that nobody owns a gun in any of the places your child plays?
If they do own a gun, are you certain they store it safely?
If not, you need to ask.
That's one issue we discuss in this interview with Dr. Nina Agrawal, a board-certified pediatrician who has expertise in violence against children. She co-founded the Gun Safety Committee for the American Academy of Pediatrics in New York State, and is leading the Gun Violence Prevention Task Force for the American Medical Women’s Association.
Another issue is the gun violence that is primarily faced by children of color, which turns out to affect a far greater number of children.
And how is this all linked to the Peloton recall? You'll have to listen in to find out...
Jump to highlights here:
(01:00) Indoor playdates are ramping up...will your child be safe?
(02:29) Introducing Dr. Nina Agrawal, pediatrician and co-founder of the American Academy of Pediatrics' Gun Safety Committee in New York State
(02:58) Understanding how big is the scope of gun violence against children
(06:15) The Dickey Amendment: Explaining the massive lack of data and research on gun violence and safety
(11:24) The ways that gun violence affects children that we might not expect
(12:32) “I get woken up at night to the sound of gunshots.”
(17:09) The racial disparity in how children are affected by gun violence
(20:46) More people purchased guns in 2020, and there are more first-time owners too
(23:39) The statistical likelihood of children coming to harm if they live with a firearm in their household
(27:00) Just telling kids not to touch guns doesn't work (even if you think of your child as one who is 'sensible,' and you've talked with them about gun safety)
(30:45) The Asking Saves Kids Campaign helps…
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138: Most of what you know about attachment is probably wrong
6 juni 2021 · 1 uur 6 min
New parents often worry about attachment to their baby - will I be able to build it? My baby cries a lot - does that mean that we aren't attached? If I put my baby in daycare, will they get attached to the daycare staff rather than to me? Lees meer
Based on the ideas about attachment that have been circulated over the years, these are entirely valid concerns. But it turns out that not only should we not worry about these things, but the the research that these ideas were based in was highly flawed.
It's often forgotten that attachment theory was developed in the period after World War II, when policymakers were trying to get women out of the jobs they had held during the war, and back into their 'natural' place in the home.
In one of his earliest papers Dr. John Bowlby - the so-called Father of Attachment Theory - described 44 children who had been referred to his clinic for stealing, and compared these with children who had not stolen anything. He reported that the thieves had been separated from their parents during childhood, which led them to have a low sense of self-worth and capacity for empathy. He went on to say that “to deprive a small child of his mother’s companionship is as bad as depriving him of vitamins.”
But much later in his life, Bowlby revealed that he had conflated a whole lot of kinds of separation into that one category – everything between sleeping in a different room to being abandoned in an orphanage. And in addition to being separated, many of the thieves had also experienced physical or sexual abuse. The fear that spending time apart from your baby will damage them in some way is just not supported by the evidence.
What other common beliefs do we hold about attachment relationships that aren't supported by evidence? Well, quite a lot, as it turns out! Listen in for more.
Link to the book mentioned:
Cornerstones of Attachment Research (Affiliate link).
Jump to highlights:
03:30 Download the free Right From The Start Roadmap
06:11 Dr. John …
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137: Psychological Flexibility through ACT with Dr. Diana Hill
23 mei 2021 · 58 min
"Psychological Flexibility" sounds amazing. Shouldn't we all want that? After all, psychological flexibility has been significantly positively associated with wellness during the COVID-19 pandemic, and negatively associated with anxiety, depression, and COVID-29-related distress and worry. Lees meer
(But what is it, anyway?!)
Psychological Flexibility is about being fully in touch with the present moment and, based on the situation, either continuing or changing your behavior to live in better alignment with your values.
Let's break that down a bit:
Being fully in touch with the present moment: We spend a good chunk of our lives not fully present. And there are times when it makes sense - we don't necessarily need to be fully present for every moment of a long drive. As long as we're present enough to drive safely, we don't need to observe the exact quality of red in the tail light of the driver in front of you.
But when we spend most of our lives zoned out on our phones, or rushing from one activity to the next (probably partly so we don't have to sit down and just be), we aren't truly present.
Better alignment with your values: We all have values, although perhaps some of us haven't fully articulated them. We might value raising an independent child, but then step in every time they struggle. We might value emotional closeness but struggle to actually do it because our parents didn't model it for us. When we articulate our values, we define what we're working toward.
Based on the situation, either continuing or changing your behavior: One of my favorite parts of ACT is the Choice Point: the point at which something doesn't feel right to you. At this point you get to decide: Am I going to keep doing the same thing I've always done? Or am I going to do something that brings me into better alignment with my values?
Want to know more? Dr. Diana Hill, co-author with Dr. Debbie Sorensen, joins me on this episode to discuss their new book ACT Daily Journal: Get Unstuck an…
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136: Mother’s Day Momifesto
8 mei 2021 · 50 min
We've been in a liminal space for the last 15 months or so, since COVID shutdowns. (The word 'liminal' comes from the Latin root limen, meaning threshold). It’s a place where a certain part of our lives has come to an end but the next thing hasn’t yet begun, so we’re in a transitional state. Lees meer
We're finally starting to see the end of this liminal state but before we can fully emerge into the new world, we need to ask ourselves: what do we want that world to be like?
Do we want to go back to what it was before?
Because the world we had before wasn't working for a lot of parents. We were constantly rushing our children around from one activity to the next, maybe also trying to balance a career at the same time, attending thirty kids' birthday parties a year and just feeling completely spent, most of the time.
If we don't take the time to think about what we want life to be like when we reopen, chances are it'll look pretty much like it used to. And that can seem safe! It's always safer and easier to go back to what we know, rather than forward to what is unknown and scary.
What would something different even look like?
Maybe we would have fewer friends, whom we know much better.
Maybe we would do fewer activities, and spend a bit more time being, rather than always doing.
Maybe we would actually support families financially instead of having a 'families are the bedrock of our society...but you're on your own to provide for it' approach.
In this Mother's Day Momifesto, I explore all of these issues, and encourage you to think about how YOU want to be in this new world.
And if you need help figuring it out, the Parenting Membership is here to help. We'll support you through the challenges of today (how to prevent tantrums! raising healthy eaters! navigating screen time!) while keeping an eye on where we want to go. Because you need both.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Jump to highlights:
01:27 The Mother's Day Mom…
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135: 5 reasons respectful parenting is so hard
2 mei 2021 · 28 min
This episode grew out of a post that long-time friend of the podcast, Dr. Laura Froyen, published in a respectful parenting group that we both work in as admins. In the post she asked people to share how they felt before and after they discovered respectful parenting, and then she created a word cloud of the results. Lees meer
The words in the 'before' cloud were perhaps predictable - things like 'worried,' 'overwhelmed,' 'resentful,' and 'guilty.'
And the most common word in the 'after respectful parenting' word cloud?
Exhausted.
What on earth is going on here?
In this episode I explore five important reasons why respectful parenting is so hard - and what to do about each of them.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.
Click the banner to learn more.
Jump to highlights:
01:00 Why we find parenting so hard
01:18 Most prominent words before parents discovered respectful parenting
01:58 Five reasons respectful parenting can be hard
03:03 1st reason: Our needs that our parents just didn’t see despite doing the best they could
05:22 The trauma of unmet needs
06:09 2nd reason: The long game that is respectful parenting
08:54 Our culture trains us to want results
09:56 3rd reason: Our values and what we want to do in an ideal world
10:39 Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting
13:38 Our child's behavior brings up old trauma
14:10 Shifting the way we see our children
15:12 4th reason: When we see these values that we want to live
16:37 The tendency to engag…
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SYPM 012: From fear-filled conflict to parenting as a team
25 april 2021 · 39 min
"You're doing it wrong! You're not asking for consent before changing the diaper!" Lees meer
In this Sharing Your Parenting Mojo episode we meet parent Nicole, who has core values related to being empathic, constantly learning, and upholding justice in the world. These awesome values came together in a difficult way when Nicole became a parent: she had a deep fear of not getting parenting right, so she was constantly reading and trying to find that one piece of information that would close the gap between her struggles and the kind of parent she wanted to be.
The stress of parenting an infant brought out a controlling side of her where she attempted to script every aspect of her (and her husband's) interactions with her child, thinking they had already screwed up parenting because he hadn't asked their child's consent before changing her diaper.
Nicole was raised by a single parent who had had a traumatic upbringing, and Nicole grew up sometimes feeling scared by her mother's oversized reactions to normal childhood behavior. She knew she wanted more for her children - but didn't know what to do. Over the last year she's been working on 'reparenting' herself so she doesn't have to parent from a place of fear any more, and can relax into understanding her children's feelings - and her own and her partner's feelings as well.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.
Click the banner to learn more.
Jump to highlights:
03:19 Nicole's background
04:36 Nicole's parentin…
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134: Beyond Sex Education with Dr. Nadine Thornhill
18 april 2021 · 1 uur 7 min
"Do you know what happens to your body when you get older?" Lees meer
"Um...you get hairy in some places?"
"Yeah...other things happen too. We'll get you some books."
That was what I learned about sex education when I was seven - I was always grateful that I learned it from my parents (who were pretty terrified to talk about it, I think) rather than from the other kids at school. But then the topic wasn't mentioned again until I was about 18, with a vague reference to "being careful" with my first boyfriend, whom I wasn't even sleeping with yet.
Friends: we have to do more than this if we want our children to be able to show up in relationships as fulfilled human beings who understand what pleasure is, how to ask for it, and how to give it.
We need our children to know that sex does not have to equal intercourse, and that there are a whole host of ways to enjoy our (and each other's) bodies without doing this if we don't want to do it (when they're ready for it!).
And we need to help our children understand boundaries so they can protect themselves when they need to - without getting so caught up in the shame that pervades our thinking about sex. (Since the sex = shame narrative is deeply pervasive in our culture I don't think we can overcome it completely, but we can make a start...).
In this episode we build on our conversation with Charlotte Rose about sex for us parents to go (far) Beyond Sex Ed with sex educator Dr. Nadine Thornhill, whose direct, fun, engaging style will help you to see that you, too, can have conversations about sex and pleasure with your own children. You can find more information on Dr. Thornhill's work on her YouTube channel where she addresses topics from what happens if the kid walk in on parents having sex to whether first time sex always hurts, as well as on Instagram.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual ca…
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What Carys wants you to know about your children’s feelings
11 april 2021 · 16 min
After dinner a few days ago, Carys randomly started telling us that if we want to understand some of the things she's feeling, we should cast our minds back to when we were children and remember how we would have felt about it at the time. The conversation continued as we explored more of her feelings when she's having difficult moments, and at some point someone (recollections differ on exactly who it was!) suggested we record a podcast episode about it. Lees meer
Carys was immediately on board and wanted to do it right away, but we came back to it the next afternoon. She thinks that parents often don't understand how their children are feeling and she'd like suggest ways to help your children when they're behaving in a way that may seem 'difficult' to you.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.
Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up now for the self-guided Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits. Click the banner to learn more.
Jump to highlights:
01:00 My special guest in her podcasting debut
02:18 What helps to understand your kid's feelings
03:18 Feeling the physical sensations of frustration
03:42 What Carys feels when she get 'that feeling'
04:19 Parents don't really understand that children sometimes want to be alone
06:07 Different kids deal with things in different ways
07:34 Our new method for when we disagree on things
10:37 We have rewards now
11:46 Carys's thoughts on problem solving
Links:
Setting Limits Workshop
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133: How the Things We Learned About Sex Impact Our Children
4 april 2021 · 54 min
Today we build on episodes that we've done in the past on talking with children about the basics of sex (so when you listen to this episode we're assuming you've got the basics covered - things like using anatomically correct names for body parts and taking basic steps to prevent sexual abuse). Lees meer
This is the first in a mini-series of episodes that digs deeper into topics related to sex. Here we talk with Charlotte Rose, co-host of the Speaking of Sex podcast by the Pleasure Mechanics, about what and how we adults learned about sex.
We talk about the shame that pretty much all of us learned to associate with sex (and how to overcome that), and what we can do to improve the chances of having sex with our partner - even if we're feeling so tired that this currently seems out of the question.
We're setting the stage here to approach sex from a less pressured, more fun perspective - which will help us in an upcoming episode to figure out what we want to discuss with our children about sex, sexuality, and pleasure.
Jump to highlights:
(01:00) Today's topic and Parenting Membership reopening announcement
(02:20) Setting Loving and Effective Limits workshop announcement
(03:55) Chris and Charlotte Rose the Pleasure Mechanics
(05:16) The primary focus of today's episode
(06:09) Sex isn't what it used to be before we became parents
(08:39) Responsive desire and spontaneous desire
(09:17) Erotic simulation and how there is nothing wrong with your sexual relationship
(11:54) Creating a culture of pleasure within your relationship
(14:42) Continual consent - it doesn't always need to lead to sex
(15:34) Sex is adults at play
(17:37) Sex educations centered around abstinence, secrecy, and shame and how we move forward from that
(20:39) A parenting opportunity to create a different culture for our children, so that they have to unlearn so much less with regards to sex
(22:35) How does shame show up in parents' sexual relationship?
(25:21) So much judgment about se…
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132: How implicit bias affects my child (Part 2)
21 maart 2021 · 57 min
Do we really know what implicit bias is, and whether we have it? Lees meer
This is the second episode on our two-part series on implicit bias; the first part was an interview with Dr. Mahzarin Banaji, former Dean of the Department of Psychology at Harvard University, and co-creator of the Implicit Association Test.
But the body of research on this topic is large and quite complicated, and I couldn't possibly do it justice in one episode. There are a number of criticisms of the test which are worth examining, so we can get a better sense for whether implicit bias is really something we should be spending our time thinking about - or if our problems with explicit bias are big enough that we would do better to focus there first.
Jump to highlights:
(03:38) Is implicit bias baked into our bodies?
(06:27) About the Implicit Association Test (IAT)
(08:13) Criticism of the IAT and Dr. Banaji’s response
(12:48) Blindspot and the inception of the IAT
(13:41) We make judgements about individuals based on how they look
(14:12) We often say things that aren't true, even if we think we are truthful
(16:01) The premise of the IAT and how it works
(18:13) Conflicting definition of what implicit bias is
(19:40) Meta-analysis of implicit bias
(33:16) Implicit bias on the decline in recent years
(35:37) The persistent problem with IAT
(42:59) From macro-issues to the micro-issues of IAT
(53:54) My takeways
Resources:
Implicit Association Test
[accordion]
[accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]
Jen 00:02
Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want her children to lead fulfilling lives but it can be so hard to keep up with the latest scientific research on child development and figure out whether and how to incorporate it into our own approach to parenting. Here at Your Parenting Mojo, I do the work for you by critically examining strategies and tools related to parenting and child development that are grounded in scientific …
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131: Implicit Bias with Dr. Mahzarin Banaji
7 maart 2021 · 52 min
Explicitly, nobody really believes in gender stereotypes anymore, but when we look at the world, and who's where and how much money people make, and so on, it still seems to be there. And the answer to that is yeah, because it's there. It's just not something we say. It’s more of something we do. Lees meer
-Dr. Mahzarin Banaji
What is implicit bias? Do I have it (and do you?)? Does my (and your?) child have it? And if we do have implicit bias, what, if anything, can we do about it?
Join me in a conversation with Dr. Mahzarin Banaji, former Dean of the Department of Psychology at Harvard University and co-creator of the Implicit Association Test, for an overview of implicit bias and how we can know if we (and our children) have it.
This episode will be followed by a second part in this mini-series where we dig deeply into the research, where results are complex and often contradictory. Stay tuned!
Jump to highlights:
(01:00) An intro of Dr. Mahzarin Banaji
(02:58) What is implicit bias?
(07:48) Differentiating bias that you are aware of and bias that you aren’t aware of
(08:56) Describing the Implicit Association test
(18:11) What the research says about where implicit bias comes from
(24:50) Development of group preference from implicit association
(32:18) Group bias and its implications towards individual psychological health
(40:44) What can be done to potentially prevent implicit biases from developing?
(46:56) Some good progress with society’s bias in general and areas that need working on
Resources:
Blindspot: Hidden Biases of Good People
[accordion]
[accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]
Jen 00:02
Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast.
Jen 00:06
We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives but it can be so hard to keep up with the latest scientific research on child development and figure out whether and how to incorporate it into our own approach to parenting. Here at Your Parenting Mojo, I do the wo…
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130: Introduction to mindfulness and meditation with Diana Winston
21 februari 2021 · 55 min
"When she was younger, she wasn't that into reading and that was like a huge deal for me. I thought: "I'm such a reader. My daughter doesn't love to read." She's still not a big reader, but it's not hampering her in any way. She's blossoming in fifty other ways, but when I get caught in that story, "She's not like me. She's not..." - that's when I'm suffering. So I settle back into trusting, and think: "Oh, she's becoming who she is. Let her be that." Lees meer
-Diana Winston
Meditation is touted as being a cure-all for everything from anxiety to depression to addictions. But is it possible that all this is too good to be true?
In this episode, meditation teacher - and former Buddhist nun! - Diana Winston guides us through what we know of the research on meditation that's relevant to parents. It turns out that the quality of much of this research isn't amazing, but this may not matter to you if you're thinking of starting a meditation practice because the opportunity cost (a few minutes a day) is so low and the potential benefits are so high.
We walk through a basic meditation that you can do anywhere, and no - it doesn't involve sitting cross-legged with your thumb and first finger held in a circle and saying 'ommmmmm....'.
I was skeptical about meditation too - until I tried it. Perhaps it might help you as well?
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
02:36 Introducing Diana Winston
03:39 Defining Mindfulness
05:25 Distinguishing betw…
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129: The physical reasons you yell at your kids
7 februari 2021 · 37 min
Why do we yell at our children - even when we know we shouldn't? Lees meer
Why isn't just knowing what to do enough to actually interact with our children in a way that aligns with our values?
For many of us, the reason we struggle to actually implement the ideas we know we want to use is because we've experienced trauma in our lives. This may be the overt kind that we can objectively say was traumatic (divorce, abuse, death among close family members...), or it may simply be the additive effect of having our needs disregarded over and over again by the people who were supposed to protect us.
These experiences cause us to feel 'triggered' by our children's behavior - because their mess and lack of manners and resistance remind us subconsciously of the ways that we were punished as children for doing very similar things. These feelings don't just show up in our brains, they also have deep connections to our bodies (in spite of the Western idea that the body and brain are essentially separate!).
If we don't decide to take a different path and learn new tools to enable us to respond effectively to our child rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, and because our physical experience is so central to how this trauma shows up in our daily lives, we also need to understand and process this trauma through our bodies.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights:
01:00 This episode’s rationale
03:12 The two ways trauma shows up in broader family relationships
05:27 The separateness of the brain and the body has a long history in Western culture
06:05 Rene Descartes on the schism of mind and body
07:12 The held belief of the mind as superior to the rest of the body
08:09 The inherent bias of data
09:42 The lies our brain tells us
12:54 The so-called 4 ‘truths’ of the physical experience of trauma
16:22 When we are not attuned to the signals that our body is giving us
19:01 Difficulty in identifying feelings for people who experienced trauma
22:16 Saying …
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SYPM 011: Untigering with Iris Chen
29 januari 2021 · 45 min
In this episode we talk with Iris Chen about her new book, Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent. Lees meer
Iris admits to being a parent who engaged in "yelling, spanking, and threatening with unreasonable consequences" - but far from becoming a well-behaved, obedient child, her son fought back. The harder she punished, the more he resisted. Their home became a battleground of endless power struggles, uncontrollable tantrums, and constant frustration.
But Iris didn't know what else to do: she had learned this over-controlling style from her own parents: watching TV without permission, talking back to her father, and having a boyfriend before college were simply out of the question when she was growing up.
In her parents' eyes, they had done all the right things: Iris got good grades, graduated from an elite university, and married another successful Chinese-American.
But through interacting with her son, Iris realized that all of these achievements had come at a great cost: a cost that her son was trying to show her through his resistance. Eventually Iris saw that her son's behavior wasn't the problem; he was simply reacting to her attempts to control him, and that it was her own approach that needed to change.
Now Iris is well along her own Untigering path: basing her relationship with her children on finding win-win solutions to problems, being flexible, and respecting each other's boundaries.
As I do too, Iris sees this path as a journey toward creating a society where everyone belongs.
If you see yourself in Iris' descriptions of her early days as a parent, and especially if you find yourself routinely overreacting to your child's age-appropriate behavior, I invite you to join my Taming Your Triggers, which will help you to understand the true source of your triggered feelings (hint: it isn't your child's behavior!), feel triggered less often, and respond more effectively to your child on the fewer occasions when it does still happen.…
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128: Should I Redshirt My Child?
24 januari 2021 · 1 uur 6 min
Parents - worried about their child's lack of maturity or ability to 'fit in' in a classroom environment - often ask me whether they should hold their child back a year before entering kindergarten or first grade. In this episode I review the origins of the redshirting phenomenon (which lie in Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers, and which statisticians say contained some seriously dodgy math), what it means for your individual child, as well as for the rest of the children in the class so you can make an informed decision. Lees meer
Jump to highlights:
(01:00) Malcolm Gladwell's anecdote about the Junior League Medicine Hat Tigers and Vancouver Giants ice hockey teams that initiated the redshirting craze
(02:56) Ability grouping is done in early childhood, just like in sports
(03:59) Parents holding their children back from kindergarten came to be referred to as redshirting
(10:20) How common is redshirting?
(11:04) Boys are redshirted at a ratio of 2:1 compared to girls
(12:18) The maturationist approach of why to redshirt
(13:05) State support and agenda for redshirting
(15:10) Teachers tendency to view a maturationist view of development.
(17:16) The Maturation Hypothesis
(17:36) Parents redshirt their children to give their child an advantage
(20:34) Redshirting as a way to give boys age and size advantage and avoid getting bullied
(27:28) Making a judgement call into what benefits mean with regards to the body of research on redshirting
(29:24) The evidence of whether redshirting is beneficial
(35:19) Misdiagnosis of ADHD caused by relative maturity
(37:56) A year outside of school reduces the likelihood that children receive timely identifications of learning difficulties
(38:35) Students with speech impairments may actually benefit from redshirting
(39:22) Redshirted students may have more behavioral problems in high school
(46:04) Children from higher socioeconomic status are more likely to perform well in tests in kindergarten
(48:19) It’s possible…
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Dismantling White Supremacy and Patriarchy on MLK Day
18 januari 2021 · 17 min
In this short ad hoc episode that was originally recorded as a Facebook Live, I discuss ways that my family is working on dismantling both White supremacy and patriarchy (and having a go at capitalism while we're at it!) this Martin Luther King Jr. Day holiday weekend. Lees meer
The best part is that this doesn't have to be heavy work that brings with it a huge sense of guilt. It's about building community that lifts all of us up, and gets us out of the 'stay in my lane' mindset that White supremacy uses to keep us in line. And it also doesn't have to happen only on the holiday itself - this work is just as relevant and important the rest of the year.
Prefer to watch rather than listen? Click here to join the free YPM Facebook group and watch the video recording of the episode
Jump to highlights
00:01 Introduction: an informal episode for Martin Luther King Jr. Day
03:18 How patriarchy and White supremacy create separation, even within ourselves
06:07 Why it's hard to ask for or offer help under capitalism
10:09 Trading childcare space with neighbors instead of staying shut away
13:16 Ways to offer help that use your specific skills and platform
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Responding to the U.S. Capitol Siege
10 januari 2021 · 27 min
In this ad hoc episode, I outline a response to the U.S. Capitol siege. I provide some suggestions for ways to talk with your child about the events, but also ask that you take two more steps: (1) examine your own role in these events, even if you condemn them yourself (as I do); (2) take action based on your own position and role in the world to work toward equality. Lees meer
You can find my resources on the intersection of parenting and race here.
There's a specific blog post suggesting a script for talking with children about the Black Lives Matter movement (which could be adapted for this situation) here.
Showing Up for Racial Justice's Action Hours are here
Jump to highlights
00:01 Introduction: an informal, unedited live episode after the Capitol events
01:57 How to start a conversation with children when they haven't asked
03:46 Answering questions honestly, including saying "I don't know"
05:50 Examining our own role in the system, not just pointing at "those people"
10:33 Looking at policies at school, daycare, and work through an anti-racist lens
12:06 How patriarchy creates scarcity, separation, and powerlessness
16:25 Why this connects directly to parenting
18:51 Fake choices: how "peaceful parenting" can still use force in disguise
22:27 Concrete ways to take action, including Showing Up for Racial Justice
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127: Doing Self-Directed Education
17 december 2020 · 58 min
When parents first hear about interest-led learning (also known as self-directed education), they may wonder: why on earth would we do that? And how would my child learn without anyone teaching them? Lees meer
Many parents start down this path with only an inkling of where it may end up taking them and I think this is true of our guest, Akilah Richards. Akilah grew up in a typical Jamaican family where children were not allowed to have an opinion about anything - even their own bodies and feelings. In her book Raising Free People, she writes that:
"Respect, the way [Jamaican parents] define it, is non-negotiable, and the spectrum of things a child can do to disrespect an adult, especially a parent, is miles wide and deep. Reverence for adults, not just respect, is expected, normalized, and deeply ingrained. Somebody else's mama could slap you for not showing reverence to any adult.
Physical punishment for the wrong displays of emotion, even silent ones like frowns or subtle ones like deep sighs, were commonplace, expected, celebrated as one of the reasons children "turned out right." Not only did you, as a child, dismiss any attitudes or anything adults might perceive as rudeness, your general countenance should reflect a constant respect - no space at all for showing actual emotion, if that emotion was contrary to what was reverent and pleasant for the adults in your life - again, especially your parents."
While we may not have grown up with parents who were as overtly strict as this, chances are our parents and teachers used more subtle ways of keeping us in line with behavior management charts, grades (and praise for grades) and the withdrawal of approval if we were to express 'negative' emotions like frustration or anger.
And of course this is linked to learning because compulsory schooling does not allow space for our children to be respected as individuals. There may be dedicated, talented teachers within that system that respect our children and who are doing the…
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SYPM 010: From Anxious Overwhelm to Optimistic Calm
13 december 2020 · 24 min
In this Sharing Your Parenting Mojo episode we hear from listener Anne, who has been in my Parenting Membership for a year now. In our conversation we discussed the anxiety she used to feel about every aspect of parenting, including the things she wanted to teach her son to do (Spanish! Coding!) and how she interacted with both him and with her husband. Lees meer
She actually joined the Parenting Membership to learn how to become the perfect parent, and I'm sorry to say that I failed as her teacher/guide in that regard. She is not a perfect parent (and neither am I), but she is now a perfectly good enough parent, and has been able to relax into her relationship with her son because of that.
I hope you enjoy this raw, vulnerable conversation where Anne reflects on the changes she has made in her life over the last year.
Jump to highlights
03:44 Introduction to the episode and guest Anne
04:55 The values Anne wanted to build her parenting around
06:00 Why Anne joined the membership: wanting to be the "perfect parent"
08:08 The tipping point: anxiety, exhaustion, and what it was costing her
12:36 Standing up to her mother about a comment for the first time
15:36 A breakthrough during a three-week visit: naming childhood trauma around toys
18:38 Letting go of "perfect parent" pressure and reconnecting with her son
21:36 Anne's one piece of wisdom: change ripples outward from yourself
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126: Problem Solving with Dr. Ross Greene
6 december 2020 · 1 uur 2 min
Let's talk problem solving! Many of us have tried it, but it's so common to get stuck...and to think that the method doesn't work, and then return in exasperation to the methods we'd been using all along. These often involve coercion, or forcing the child to do something they don't want to do - but what's the alternative? Lees meer
In this episode we talk with Dr. Ross Greene, who developed the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (formerly Collaborative Problem Solving) approach in his books The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings. I really enjoyed digging into the research for this episode (why do all the papers describing CPS compare its effectiveness to behaviorist-based approaches?) but I ended up really taking one for the team: we didn't have time for all of my questions on the research because I wanted to make sure to address the challenges with problem solving that parents in the free Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group described when I asked them about this topic.
These challenges included:
How to problem solve with very young children
What to do when the same issue recurs over and over and the solutions we decide on together don't seem to help
How to navigate a child not wanting to leave the park when it's time to go
How to approach a child who doesn't seem to be able to or refuses to communicate their feelings
Dr. Greene's books
Raising Human Beings(Affiliate link)
The Explosive Child(Affiliate link)
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.
Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how…
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SYPM 009: How to Set Boundaries in Parenting
29 november 2020 · 54 min
My guest for this episode is life coach and reparenting expert Xavier Dagba, who is here to discuss the topic of boundaries in parenting. Lees meer
We don't tend to learn much about having boundaries when we're young, because our culture teaches that children shouldn't really need or have them (and those of us who are using respectful parenting approaches are working against the tide here). This then translates to us not knowing how to set boundaries as adults, and feeling 'walked all over' - without fully understanding why, or what to do about it.
We also talk about the limit between boundaries and limits, an important distinction as we interact with our children.
If you need more support in setting limits that your child will respect (and using far fewer of them than you might ever have thought possible - while still having your boundaries respected!), sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.
Click the banner to learn more.
Other resources from this episode:
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.Xavier's websiteFollow Xavier on Instagram
Jump to highlights
04:15 Introduction to the episode and guest Xavier Dagba
05:49 Xavier's own story: stepping away from a PhD path and the family backlash
09:46 The difference between a limit and a boundary
14:47 Why relaxing limits can actually reduce family stress
17:23 The self-sacrificing mother narrative, and where it comes from
20:08 The pendulum effect: overcorrecting for how we were raised
21:47 Fear of abandonment as the root of self-sacrifice
25:57 Why understanding alone isn't enough: the need for self-compassion
30:28 Rewiring a habitual reaction and voicing a new boundary
32:36 Reading the body's signals: resentment, anger, and shame
39:07 Enmeshment, and how setting boundaries teaches emotional autonomy
45:32 Where to start: getting curious about what's driving your own behavior
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125: Should you worry about technoference?
20 november 2020 · 1 uur
I often hear two related ideas about adults' screen usage around children. Sometimes the parent asking the question guiltily confesses to using screens around their children more than they would like, and to using screens as a momentary escape from the demands of parenting. Lees meer
Or the parent asking the question feels that they have found a sense of balance in their own screen usage, but worries about their partner who frequently ignores their child because they're so focused on a screen.
In this episode we interview a luminary in the field of research related to children and screen usage: Dr. Jenny Radesky, who is a Developmental Behavioral Pediatrician and Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Michigan Medical School. Her research interests include the use of mobile technology by parents and young children, and how this relates to child self-regulation and parent-child interaction, and she was the lead author of the 2016 American Academy of Pediatrics policy statement on digital media use in early childhood.
We'll learn whether you should be worried about Technoference, and some judgement-free steps you can take to navigate your (or your partner's) screen usage around your child.
Parenting Membership
If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.
Click the banner to learn more.
Jump to highlights
08:16 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Jenny Radesky
08:38 What technoference and fubbing mean, and how they're related
21:17 How parents describe their own ambivalence toward their phones
32:19 How children describe noticing a parent's divided attention
34:48 A word-learning study: what a brief interruption costs a child
40:38 A nuance from Australian research: some technoference isn't harm…
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SYPM 008: Fostering Positive Sibling Relationships with Future Focused Parenting
9 november 2020 · 34 min
Sibling relationships can be SO HARD! Sometimes it might seem that we can't leave them alone for even a second before they're at each other's throats, and on top of this we see their struggles and are reminded of the struggles that we had with our own siblings so many years ago. This can cause us to overreact in the moment, even when we know it's not helping the situation. Lees meer
I discussed some of the reasons behind sibling squabbles a couple of years ago in a conversation with Dr. Susan McHale of Penn State University. In today's episode we build on this knowledge by discussing some super practical tools to help parents foster positive sibling relationships.
In this Sharing Your Parenting Mojo episode I talk with Kira Dorrian and Deana Thayer of Future Focused Parenting, who host the Raising Adults podcast. The parents of seven children between them, including a set of twins and five in a blended family, Kira and Deana know their way around sibling squabbles.
We discuss ways to stop being the person who always has to moderate every disagreement and instead equip our children with the skills they need to find solutions to their own problems.
Jump to highlights:
02:37 Laying the foundation of possible sibling relationships by Daena Thayer.
04:35 Sibling relationship is the first peer relationship by Kira Dorrian.
05:53 How to prepare your kids for sibling rivalry?
12:02 Problem solving with children.
15:28 Teaching your child active listening.
20:01 Doing what’s best, not the easiest.
23:23 Problem solving in school.
25:55 How to deal with conflict as children grow older.
30:52 Social exclusion in schools and the calendar of character traits.
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124: The Art of Holding Space
6 november 2020 · 54 min
If you’ve been a parent for a while, or maybe even if you haven’t, you probably saw an article on Holding Space making the rounds of online communities a few years ago. In the article the author, Heather Plett, describes how she and her siblings were able to hold space for their dying mother in her final days because a palliative care nurse held space for them. Lees meer
The article outlined some principles of holding space, and I think it really resonated with a lot of people – possibly because so many of us wish we had been held in that way, and we find ourselves trying to hold space for others in that way without a lot of guidance or support.
I kept that article in the back of my mind, and last year I took Heather’s 9-month in-depth course on holding space, and she’s just released a book called The art of holding space: A practice of love, liberation, and leadership. In this episode we discuss what it means to hold space for others as parents, and how to raise our children to be able to hold space for others.
Links mentioned in the episode
The Art of Holding Space: A Practice of Love, Liberation, and Leadership (Affiliate link).
The Centre for Holding Space Website
Jump to highlights
01:38 Introduction to the episode and guest Heather Plett
02:38 What it means to hold space for someone
03:10 The three-layered bowl: what you offer, what guides you, and what supports you
08:23 What liminal space means, and where the concept comes from
20:51 What holding space looks like in the parent-child relationship
24:07 Allyship: supporting a child without taking over their struggle
29:08 Tools for supporting a parent who's clearly struggling
32:53 Discernment, humility, and intuition: the hardest layer of the bowl
43:49 Hijacking space, and catching yourself doing it to your own child
49:26 The spiral of authenticity, and giving children room to be themselves
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123: Maternal Ambivalence: What it is, and what to do about it
1 november 2020 · 53 min
Parenting brings unconditional love and fulfillment, but what happens when those feelings mix with frustration, exhaustion, and even regret? Lees meer
In this episode, I speak with Dr. Sarah LaChance Adams, expert in feminist philosophy and maternal ethics, to explore maternal ambivalence - those complex, conflicting emotions many parents experience but rarely discuss openly. Dr. Adams is the author of Mad mothers, bad mothers, and what a "Good" mother would do: The ethics of ambivalence.
What Is Maternal Ambivalence?
As Dr. LaChance Adams explains, drawing from Adrienne Rich's heartbreaking and beautiful description: "Maternal ambivalence is having extreme emotional conflict in one's feelings towards one's children - dealing with intense love and sometimes intense hate, the needs to be very intimate and close to one's children, but also to have a sense that one needs distance."
This complex experience involves both wanting to be near your child and sometimes feeling an urgent need to "get as far as one can from one's child." What makes maternal ambivalence particularly complicated is that it's not just about feelings toward a separate being. There's also a profound sense of self-estrangement because mothers often feel their children are integral to their own identity. As Dr. LaChance Adams notes, "In this sense of struggle, she's also in a struggle with herself and who she feels she is most intimately and deeply."
This episode builds on our recent conversations with Dr. Moira Mikolajczak on Parental Burnout and with Dr. Susan Pollak on Self-Compassion, exploring how we can love our children dearly while feeling torn between that love and our parental role that often requires putting our own needs aside.
Questions this episode will answer
Is it normal to feel love and resentment toward my child at the same time?
The podcast breaks down what maternal ambivalence means. It's a back-and-forth feeling between deep love and occasional resentment that many mothers feel but … -
122: Self-Compassion for Parents
18 oktober 2020 · 1 uur 5 min
In this episode, Dr. Susan Pollak helps us to apply mindfulness skills to our relationships with our children so we can parent in line with our values, rather than just reacting when our children push our buttons. Lees meer
You'll learn:
What's the point of mindfulness, and does it matter if we bring our full attention and presence to diaper changes?
Why we're so hard on ourselves, even when we always try to be kind to others
Some concrete tools to use when you interact with your children TODAY in those moments when it seems like everything is falling apart.
Dr. Pollak is a psychologist in private practice in Cambridge, Massachusetts. She is a long-time student of meditation and yoga who has been integrating the practices of meditation into psychotherapy since the 1980s.
Dr. Pollak is cofounder and teacher at the Center for mindfulness and Compassion at Harvard Medical School and the Cambridge Health Alliance, and has just stepped down as President of the Institute for Meditation and Psychotherapy, a position which she held since 2010. She also writes regularly for Psychology today on the topic of integrating mindfulness into daily life.
Book mentioned in the episode:
Self-Compassion for Parents: Nurture Your Child by Caring for Yourself (Affiliate link).
Other episodes related to this topic:
Parental Burn-Out
No Self, No Problem
Helping children to develop compassion
Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting
Mindfulness tools with Mindful Mama Hunter Clarke-Fields
Some key points from the interview:
(04:08) Many of us, present company included, we're not raised to be kind to ourselves.
(10:47) Mindful self-compassion acknowledges that we need to start with mindfulness. (I've been teaching this course for over a decade, and I've seen that) a lot of people just can't start with compassion because it's foreign for most of us to treat ourselves kindly.
(53:59) Allow yourself to rest for a moment feeling that you have distance from the storm, some space from …
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121: How To Support Your Perfectionist Child
5 oktober 2020 · 56 min
Parents often reach out to me to ask how they can support their perfectionist children, who can't seem to cope with failure. I've been on the lookout for someone to talk with us for a while, but just as with our episode on anxiety, it took quite some searching to find an expert who doesn't take a behaviorist-based approach - meaning that if the behavior is fixed, the problem is fixed too. Lees meer
I was really glad to find today's guest, Dr. Paul Hewitt, who is a Professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia. Dr. Hewitt has spent decades researching perfectionism and recently received the Donald O. Hebb award for his distinguished contributions to psychology as a science by the Canadian Psychological Association. He is currently doing research on the treatment of perfectionism, and trains clinicians in the treatments of perfectionistic behavior. In this interview, he tells us what we know about perfectionism, what we still don't know, and how to help our children who have perfectionist tendencies.
Books mentioned in the episode:
Perfectionism: A Relational Approach to Conceptualization, Assessment, and Treatment
Perfectionism in Childhood and Adolescence: A Developmental Approach (Affiliate links).
Jump to highlights
02:58 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Paul Hewitt
03:15 Why perfectionism is harder to define than it seems
04:49 Three ways people need to be perfect: self, other, and socially prescribed
10:20 The intrapersonal side: the internal dialogue we have with ourselves
16:20 Is there such a thing as "positive perfectionism"?
20:25 How perfectionism shows up in children as young as seven or eight
22:53 Where perfectionism comes from: attachment and the need to feel safe
33:58 Why treating only symptoms misses the real problem
46:18 What to do when a child gives up rather than risk getting something wrong
49:10 Perfectionism, competitiveness, and learning to struggle through failure
References
Affrunti, N.W.,…
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120: How to Raise a Child Who Uses Their Uniqueness to Create Happiness (RE-RELEASE)
20 september 2020 · 1 uur 9 min
I've heard from listeners that what they call "The Dark Horse Episode," the interview with Dr. Todd Rose, that this is one of their favorite conversations on the podcast, and for this reason I'm doing something I've never done before: reissuing that episode. Dr. Rose and I discussed ways to personalize children's learning to help them truly discover and live their full potential - both academically and personally (and even getting rid of that distinction entirely...). Lees meer
Check out what listeners who subsequently joined the Learning Membership said in our private community before the membership had even officially started:
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
00:27 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Todd Rose
11:45 What is a "dark horse"?
13:30 Pursuing personal fulfillment over standardized success
14:58 What actually makes for good learning: engagement, relevance, autonomy
18:44 Pervasive individuality: why the "average" learner doesn't exist
21:37 A personalized nutrition example that reveals the flaw in group averages
23:35 Three different pathways children take to learn to read
30:03 Todd's story: how his dad's advice got him through the GRE
36:14 What standardization means for children of non-dominant cultures
38:10 The hidden trade-off schools make: sameness over self-knowledge
44:48 Micro motives: the small, specific things that truly drive us
53:56 Two common dark horse paths, and a third one we could choose instead
01:04:49 Why children need real agency, not just small choices
01:07:41 Rethinking meritocracy: equal chance versus equal fit
01:11:00 Why change should start with the most marginalized communities
References
Cantor, P., Osher, D., Berg, J., Steyer, L., & Rose, T. (2019). Malleability, plasticity, and individuality: How children learn and develop in context. Applied Developmental Science 23(4), 307-337.
Mischel, W. (2004). Toward an integrative science of the person. Annual Review of Psychology 55, 1-22.
O…
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119: Aligning Your Parenting With Your Values
7 september 2020 · 51 min
Ever have a vague sense that your interactions with your child aren't quite aligned with your values...but aren't quite sure what to do about it? Lees meer
Have you been to a protest and shouted "Black Lives Matter! Fight the Power!"...and then gone home and forced your child to brush their teeth?
Have you chastised Grandma for 'stealing' kisses from your child because it disrespects their body autonomy...and then pinned them down for a haircut?
You're not alone. We're in this weird place where we know we want to do things differently than the way we were raised. But cultural norms are still telling us: we need to be in charge. (Because if we aren't in charge, who is?)
A conversation with the hosts of Upbringing
My guests today, Hannah and Kelty of the Upbringing podcast, see this dissonance more clearly than almost anyone I've met. In their podcast they explore how we live one way as people (who believe in freedom! respect! consent! empathy!) and another way as parents (timeouts, shame, control, consequences), and how we're unwittingly undermining the very skills and values we hope to promote.
But blaming and shaming helps nobody (not us...and certainly not our children). By instead approaching the topic with compassion and optimism, we can get out of an us vs. them relationship with our children, and take back our parenting practices from our cultural conditioning, and parent in relationship with our children in a way that's deeply aligned with our values.
Hannah and Kelty describe their RESIST approach (Respect, Empathy, Sync up, Innovate, Summarize, Trust) and also have a new guide to navigating sibling conflict (use discount code MOJO at checkout for 15% off!) on their beautiful website. If our conversation strikes a chord, I'd definitely encourage you to check out their podcast and weekly Q&As on Instagram.
Parenting Membership
If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re…
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SYPM 007: Parenting Across Cultural Divides
23 augustus 2020 · 19 min
In this episode we hear from Denise, who claims to have listened to every Your Parenting Mojo episode...
Denise is a Filipina living in Madrid, and the intentional, respectful parenting style she's chosen to use is somewhat out of place in both cultures. She wanted to chat about what to do when her daughter is having some big feelings out in public, and a well-meaning senior citizen approaches and says directly to her daughter: "You shouldn't cry, because you look ugly when you cry." Lees meerWe talk through the immediate issue, as well as all the layers underneath that question, on this episode. And Denise's children make a surprise guest appearance at the end!
You can find Denise on Facebook at facebook.com/DeniseSuarezConCarino
Jump to highlights
01:09 Introduction to the episode and guest Denise
05:47 What Denise learned about feelings in her own childhood
08:50 Wondering whether feelings being welcome at home changes teen years
12:18 How Denise responds to strangers' comments in the moment
13:16 Making family values explicit, and preparing kids for outside messages
17:36 Where to find Denise and the families she works with
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118: Are You Raising Materialistic Kids?
11 augustus 2020 · 1 uur
This episode on the topic of materialism concludes our series on the intersection of parenting and money. Here we talk with Dr. Susanna Opree of Erasmus University Rotterdam, who studies the effect of advertising and commercial media on use, materialism, and well-being. Lees meer
We discuss how children's understanding of materialism shifts as they age, the extent to which advertising contributes to materialism, and the specific role that parents play in passing on this value.
Other episodes in this series:
This episode is the second in a series on the intersection of parenting and money. You can find other episodes in this series:
038: The Opposite of Spoiled
105: How to pass on mental wealth to your child
107: The impact of consumerism on children
112: How to Set up a Play Room
115: Reducing the Impact of Advertising to Children
Jump to highlights
03:01 Introduction to the episode and guest Dr. Suzanna Opree
03:15 Defining materialism: three components
09:32 How materialism links to well-being and life satisfaction
11:53 Life events, divorce, and children turning to possessions
18:32 How children's understanding of brands develops with age
22:32 Why parents remain the biggest influence on a child's materialism
25:06 Conditional rewards and punishments tied to material goods
28:22 Letting children have a say in family purchase decisions
31:07 How peer pressure shapes materialism, informational and normative
42:45 Why materialism peaks in adolescence, and the role of transitions
53:27 Ways to actually reduce materialism, from gratitude to connection
References:
Batinga, G.L., de Rezende Pinto, M., Resende, S.P. (2017). Christmas, consumption, and materialism: Discourse analysis of children’s Christmas letters. Revista Brasileira de Gestão de Negócios-RBGN 19(66), 557-573.
Burroughs, J.E., Chaplin, L.N., Pandelaere, M., Norton, M.K., Ordabayeva, N., Gunz, A., & Dinauer, L. (2013). Using motivation theory to develop a transformative consumer research age…
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117: Socialization and Pandemic Pods
26 juli 2020 · 59 min
One of the questions I see asked most often in parenting forums these days is some variation on: Lees meer
"I’m worried about my child’s socialization now that it looks like daycares, preschools and schools have been closed for several months and will likely remain closed for several more months. Can someone please tell me if I really do need to worry about what the complete lack of socialization with other children will do to my [only] child?”
So we'll take a look at that, and then we'll go on to take a look at the other kinds of socialization that happen in school that you may not have even realized happens until we dig into the research on it.
I also let you know about a new Pandemic Pods 'in a box' course. A lot of parents are thinking of forming what are being called Pandemic Pods - a small group of children who are working together either in some kind of parent care exchange or with a hired teacher/tutor.
As I'm sure you can imagine, there are a host of ways to set up these pods in a way that exacerbate existing inequalities that pervade the public school system. And there are also ways to set them up that might actually help us to begin to overcome some of these issues. Listen in to learn how!
Click here to learn more about the Pandemic Pods 'in a box' course
Jump to highlights
00:03 Introduction: the question of socialization during school closures
03:30 What a "pandemic pod" is, and the social justice questions it raises
09:38 Three types of stress, and why missing school isn't automatically harmful
12:46 What do we actually mean by "socialization"?
15:52 How White cultural norms around time and schedules show up in preschool
23:03 Show and tell, and the assumptions baked into it
30:08 Privileging written knowledge over oral storytelling, and the Tulsa Race Massacre
32:52 How achievement gaps get framed as a deficit in families
36:00 A reading rewards program that reinforced segregation and shame
39:10 Where classroom management practices actually ca…
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SYPM 006: Mindful Mama
26 juli 2020 · 31 min
We're delving a little deeper into the topic of mindfulness with none other than the Mindful Mama, Hunter Clarke-Fields! We discuss Hunter's journey from being triggered just as often as the rest of us, to using mindfulness techniques to center herself so she can parent more effectively. She even walks me through an impromptu mini-meditation! Lees meer
You can buy Hunter's book, Raising good humans: A mindful guide to breaking the cycle of reactive parenting and raising kind, confident kids on Amazon or at your local bookstore.
Jump to highlights
00:02 Introduction to Hunter Clarke-Fields, author of Raising Good Human
04:51 What equanimity means and why it matters for parents
06:43 The difference between mindfulness and meditation
08:38 What the research shows: mindfulness lowers reactivity and changes the brain
13:15 Moving from "fix my child's behavior" to shifting our own reaction
14:19 Where a total beginner should start with mindfulness
22:54 "Noble failure" - why a wandering mind is part of the practice
26:44 Self-compassion for the hard parenting moments, and why it helps us try again
29:38 Wrap up and where to find Hunter's podcast and book