Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive
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Q&A#4: Is it safe to delay math learning?
31 juli 2023 · 27 min
In this episode we hear from listener Lindsay who wonders whether it's safe to delay math learning, since (they've heard) there's a 'critical window' for learning language. Lees meer
Would delaying math learning mean that our child can't catch up later? Will they develop a negative view of their own learning? What if they can't get into college? We address all of these questions and more.
Learning Membership
Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.
Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.
When you join before the end of day, August 8, you'll also get free access to Mind Your Own Business: For Kids, the course Carys and I built after she started her own pet-sitting business. It walks kids through testing an idea with real clients, then growing it if it works. You'll also get the You Are Your Child's Best Teacher Masterclass, 60 minutes on spotting the learning your child is already doing and starting a learning journal to track it.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
01:10 Listener Lindsay asks the question, “How safe is it to neglect math education until your child shows some kind of interest in wanting to do it?”
01:48 Jen gives her academic history in math and admits to applying problem-solving strategies without full comprehension.
07:44 The critical period for learning seen in animal research also applies to children with severe language deprivation during early months.
08:51 The critical period for language development and second language acquisition is questioned in relation to math learning.
12:58 Sudbury School's anecdota…
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188: How to learn way beyond ‘doing well in school’
17 juli 2023 · 43 min
When you listen to this episode you may get a bit of a sense of deja vu - way back in 2020, listener Kelly reached out to me and asked if I would be willing to do an episode on parental burnout, which she was struggling to navigate at the time. We ended up interviewing Dr. Moira Mikolajczak, one of the world's experts on parental burnout. Lees meer
After the conversation Dr. Mikolajczak expressed to me how much her heart went out to Kelly, who was navigating what seemed like an individual-level problem when it was actually very much our society's failure to support her that created the problem. Having explored the connection between race and parenting in a series of episodes the previous year, ideas were definitely percolating for me about how societal issues show up in our families which is, of course, a massive theme in my book.
So it was so amazing to see Kelly recently in a much better place, reflecting on the connections between her school-based learning and her burnout, and how she's taking steps to help her child learn lessons she thinks are truly important, like how to:
Think critically about messages she receives from other people;
See multiple people's needs in an interaction, and find ways to meet both of their needs;
Learn about the world immediately around her (which often involves Kelly backing off andnot doing anything, rather than stepping in to teach a lesson).
Kelly's children are certainly learning profound lessons in this process - but so is Kelly. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone so delighted to say that she's thrown out a puzzle book that still had three un-done puzzles in that she didn't want to do, having (finally) learned that it's OK not to finish every single thing you start. Because not being able to do that can lead to burnout.
Learning Membership
Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also…
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187: What to do when my child says: “I’m booored!”?
10 juli 2023 · 1 uur 2 min
Those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are in the middle of summer now, with the whirlwind of cobbled together childcare and kids at home saying: "I'm booored!". Lees meer
What's happening for them when they're saying this?
And, more importantly, what should we DO about it?
We don't want to have to entertain them, but what other option is there besides threatening chores?
This episode will help you to answer their question during the summer months in a way that supports their wellbeing, and also address boredom that crops up at other points in the school year. Like when they're in school.
Because while I approached this episode from the perspective of navigating summer holidays, it turns out that most researchers can't include the word "child" and "bored" in a study without also including the word "school."
Learning Membership
Do you want to turn your child’s interests into learning opportunities? The Learning Membership is here to help you. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.
Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.
When you join before the end of day, August 8, you'll also get free access to Mind Your Own Business: For Kids, the course Carys and I built after she started her own pet-sitting business. It walks kids through testing an idea with real clients, then growing it if it works. You'll also get the You Are Your Child's Best Teacher Masterclass, 60 minutes on spotting the learning your child is already doing and starting a learning journal to track it. Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
00:59 Introduction to today’s topic
02:32 Dr. Peter Toohey's book explores various definitions of boredom, including one tied to predictable circum…
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Q&A #3: Why do you have to go to work?
26 juni 2023 · 47 min
Listener Kelsey posted in the Your Parenting Mojo Facebook community a while ago asking how she should respond when her child asks: "Why does Daddy have to go to work?" She got some great answers from community members...and yet there was also a lot more to explore. I asked her to record her question so I could answer it in an episode, so here it is! Lees meer
Of course, the issue of Daddy going to work has intersections with patriarchy as well...and many Your Parenting Mojo listeners of both/all genders work and probably hear this question from their children, so I adjusted the title of the episode a little.
The episode looks at capitalism and how it impacts our families and other peoples' families...and how we can start to have conversations about that with our children.
If you'd like to ask a question for me to answer in a future Q&A episode, please email a link to a video of you asking the question to support@yourparentingmojo.com, or go to yourparentingmojo.com/question and look for the Record A Question button.
Jump to Highlights
00:58 Listener Kelsey asks how to honestly but age-appropriately answer the question, "Why does daddy have to go to work?"
02:54 Carys shares her ideas on capitalism and work
14:10 Kelsey's child isn't necessarily questioning why Daddy has to work, but rather why Daddy isn't available to play
17:51 The cultural devaluation of certain types of work, the influence of capitalism, housing discrimination, and societal expectations contribute to financial burdens
23:32 Every time we're making a choice to buy something, that is a choice to spend more time working
24:00 The mindset plays a significant role in finding joy and value in any job
25:16 Job satisfaction, financial security, and the role of money in addressing challenges and enhancing safety are crucial in deciding on work
27:26 Money doesn’t guarantee safety
30:11 Undervalued care work, predominantly performed by women, is crucial for the capitalist system.
31:47 Building comm…
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186: How to meet your needs with Mara Glatzel
12 juni 2023 · 58 min
We talk a lot about meeting needs on the show. And mostly we focus on meeting your child's needs, because when those are met then your needs for peace and ease and collaboration with your child get met as well. Lees meer
But of course those are not your only needs. You also have needs independent of your relationship with your children, and you deserve to have these met. Mara Glatzel's new book focuses squarely on your needs. Why is it so hard to understand what our needs are? How can we figure out what our needs are...before they explode out of us in a meltdown? And how can we get these met on a regular basis?
This episode will show you how to do that.
Jump to highlights:
01:20 Introduction of the guest - Mara Glatzel
02:20 Mara shares the story at the beginning of her book where she tells her personal reflection when she felt learned the importance of asserting one's needs and the impact it has had on her life and relationship
06:13 Mara differentiates needs from wants
09:47 The societal pressure to maintain a perfect and productive facade may just lead to burnout and a denial of our own humanity
13:31 It is important to recognize and identify physical sensations, symptoms, and circumstances associated with burnout to prevent and reverse it
20:20 Setting boundaries with children allows parents to prioritize their own needs so they meet their children’s needs as well
24:49 Consistently pushing ourselves beyond our limits and striving for perfection sets us up for burnout
29:31 Prioritizing our own needs and well-being - even if it means doing things differently from others - is essential for sustainable productivity and a fulfilling life
34:37 It can be challenging to find the right balance between meeting our children's needs and taking care of our own, but by modeling self-care, setting boundaries, and teaching them how to communicate their needs effectively, we can find ways to support each other
41:36 Balancing our commitment to creating positive change wit…
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185: How can we raise resilient children?
29 mei 2023 · 45 min
A lot of parents (and teachers) are concerned right now about children's resilience. Will they 'bounce back' from the difficulties of the pandemic? Lees meer
But is 'bouncing back' really the way we should be thinking about this? We have all been changed by the pandemic; shouldn't we acknowledge this and see how we can be the best versions of ourselves, incorporating what we've been through over the last few years, rather than trying to 'bounce back' into what we were before (which frankly wasn't all that amazing in a lot of cases, as we rushed from one thing to another with never any time for ourselves).
In this episode we also consider Black and Indigenous researchers' perspectives on resilience, and see how their ideas can perhaps shift how we perceive resilience - and thus how we support our children.
Other episodes referenced
069: Reducing the impact of intergenerational trauma
140: Mythbusting about fat and BMI with Dr. Lindo Bacon
137: Psychological flexibility through ACT with Diana Hill
148: Is spanking a child really so bad?
098: Do school shooter trainings help (or hurt) children?
114: How to stop 'othering' and instead build 'belonging'
074: Attachment: What it is, what it's not, how to do it, and how to stop stressing about it
106: Patriarchy is perpetuated through parenting
Jump to highlights:
01:10 Introduction
01:34 Defining resilience from various perspectives
03:16 Resilience requires exposure to some kind of threat or severe adversity
06:37 What a lack of resilience looks like and how to measure its absence
08:16 Measuring resilience in research
09:08 The challenge of defining ‘protective’ factor
10:00 The history of research on resilience
12:03 The importance allowing children to cope with mild stressors
14:40 The Indigenous resilience
17:17 The control and dominance of indigenous peoples in Canada achieved through education and immersion in settler culture
19:25 The importance of resilience culture in Indigenous communities
21:02 …
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184: How to get on the same page as your co-parent
8 mei 2023 · 1 uur 2 min
Do you sometimes wish your co-parent would join you on the respectful parenting journey you’re on? Lees meer
Would things be easier if you were on the same page?
Does it seem like you try to convince them using all the research you’ve done respectful parenting…only to have them throw up the “I don’t think we have to make a big deal out of this” card?
Sarah and Declan had this dynamic in their relationship too.
Knowing each other well isn’t always enough
They met when they were 10 and have been together for 15 years, so they know each other pretty well. They had even talked about their values before they got married, and found alignment on many of them.
But Declan is a psychologist working with children and families, so he got the Big Veto. (It turns out that psychology training focuses on evidence-based strategies to change behavior…which isn’t that hard to do with rewards and punishments. I think a lot of psychologists show up in my programs because they realize that “evidence-based” doesn’t necessarily mean “good for us” or “aligned with my values”).
Sarah was struggling with the transition from two to three children, along with Declan’s full-time work, her own part-time work, and a major home renovation - they haven’t had a functional kitchen in two years.Sarah knew she needed more support…but Declan wasn’t sure. Until he realized that when you’re on a team, you don’t tell an injured player to suck it up. You can’t tell the parent who is struggling to figure it out by themselves. We all have a role to play in a family that meets everyone’s needs.
A way to repair ruptures that meets both of their needs
This was most apparent when Sarah would say something critical, causing a temporary rupture…and then would desperately try to repair, wanting to talk it out then and there so she could reestablish connection with him, in a reenactment of her anxious attachment relationship with her mother.
Declan didn’t find that connecting at all…he saw that she was trying to make…
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183: What I wish I’d known about parenting
1 mei 2023 · 55 min
Recently, a number of parents in the Parenting Membership have posted in our community about challenges they've faced that they've navigated with grace that would have seemed insurmountable a couple of years ago. Lees meer
Many of these are parents of children who are already through the toddler stage, and the parents are starting to see the tools they've been using come alive in their interactions with their children.
I thought: There's a podcast episode in that!
I asked parents to submit short videos to me responding to the question: What do you wish you had known about parenting when your children were young?
The resulting videos are collected, along with my commentary, in this week's episode.
The insights that these parents offer are profound. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say that you're not going to hear advice about a must-have crib or wipe warmer or toy.
This is advice about:
How we see ourselves
What is our role as parents to guide our children without shaping them
How we can be whole, fulfilled people ourselves when there's so much pressure on us to be a 'good parent'
If you want to hear from parents who share your values and who have been in it for a while to know what's worth worrying about and what isn't, this episode is for you.
Parenting Membership
If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Other episodes referenced in this episode:
079: What is RIE?
084: The Science of RIE
085: White privilege in schools
SYPM 010: From anxious overwhelm to optimistic calm
Jump to highlights
01:40 Introduction of this episode’s topic
02:25 Jen admits that she didn't give much consideration to parenting before h…
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182: How to get frustrating behavior to stop
24 april 2023 · 42 min
All of our children go through phases when they do things we wish they wouldn’t do. Sometimes those things are relatively harmless but are pretty annoying, because they take extra time for us to clean up - things like eating (and making crumbs) in areas where we don’t want them to eat, shaving up a bar of soap, or piling up all the toys and refusing to help clean them up. Other times it’s not so harmless. They might hit us. Lees meer
Or hit a (smaller) sibling, for what seems like no reason.
We want to get that behavior to stop…but how?In this episode we’ll meet a parent who’s struggling with the annoying behaviors…and we’ll hear directly from two parents who have found ways to navigate resistance and hitting, and these are no longer the problem they once were.
There is hope. We don’t have to keep walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion, or worried about what our child is doing as soon as our back is turned.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.
Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.
Click the banner to learn more.
Jump to highlights:
00:50 Introduction for today’s episode
01:33 A member of Jen's community is seeking advice on how to manage her child’s frustrating behavior
04:23 How Jen resolved her issues with her husband's frustrating behavior during the COVID lockdown
06:16 The importance of understanding children's behavior and finding ways to meet their needs …
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181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead
10 april 2023 · 30 min
Giving choices’ is a hot tool in the respectful parenting world. In the scripts, it usually goes like this: Lees meer
Child: “I want a snack!”
Parent: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?”
Child: “A banana, please!”
And the parent hands over the banana.
But when you actually try it in your own home, it usually looks more like this:
Your child:: “I want a snack!”
You: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?”
Your child: “I want cookies!”
WHY IS THAT?! Why does it never ‘work’ the way it’s supposed to? Why doesn’t our child follow the script?
There’s a simple and easy reason, and in this episode I break it down - and teach you the effective tool to use instead of giving choices.
Questions this episode will answer
Why do parenting experts recommend giving choices to kids?
Giving choices is often recommended as a "magic bullet" for getting kids to cooperate. In theory, offering limited options should give kids a sense of control while still getting them to do what you want. But there's more to why this strategy often falls flat in real homes with real kids.
What happens in real life when I try giving choices to my toddler?
Scenarios in parenting books show a child happily picking a banana when offered "apple or banana." But in real life, this usually goes differently - your child wants a cookie instead! The episode reveals why this disconnect happens and how to address it.
How does giving choices change as kids get older?
With older kids, the choices we offer often become more complex and loaded with hidden expectations. For example, telling a child to "choose one physical activity" carries assumptions about what's best for them. The episode explores how these underlying messages affect your relationship with your child.
Should I use choices to motivate my child to do homework?
When we say things like "Do homework now and you'll be able to get screen time sooner," we're not really addressing what's behind the procrastination. We look at fascinating rese…
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180: How to get your children to stop fighting
26 maart 2023 · 44 min
If there’s one topic that never fails to rile parents up, it’s sibling fighting. Why does it affect us so much? (There are two main reasons.) Why is this happening, and what can we do about it? There are two main reasons, and one strategy to use with each reason. That’s it! There are not an infinite number of reasons why this is happening, or an infinite number of things to try to get it to stop. This episode will help you to identify the cause of the fighting, and how to make it stop. Sound too good to be true? It isn’t. Check out what parents have said about the workshop and sign up: Lees meer
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you. Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go way beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.
Click the banner to learn more.
Jump to highlights:
02:07 Challenges of having multiple children
03:39 How parents' reactions to their children's fighting can be influenced by their own past experiences with their siblings.
07:00 The need to make pause before reacting to a child’s behavior
07:52 Understanding the causes of siblings fight
08:34 A fictitious story about a sibling fight to show two possible scenarios that may result from two opposing reactions from a parent
10:40 Scenario 1: Parent explodes and blames one child as aggressor during sibling fight
12:10Scenario 2: Parent makes a pause, remains calm, does not blame anyone
15:00 Importance of having an empathetic discussion with your children
20:45 The …
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Q&A #2: How do we help children who are ‘falling behind’ without using milestones?
20 maart 2023 · 32 min
This Q&A episode comes from a special education preschool teacher had listened to the Why We Shouldn’t Read The Your X-Year-Old Child books anymore, and wondered: Lees meer
My first thought was: There’s no way I’m touching that question, because I don’t have the relevant qualifications and I’ll get torn apart.I’ve been in some groups for Autistic parents for several months now, and one thing that’s abundantly clear is that qualified professionals use ‘treatments’ for Autistic children that these now-grown up people describe as abuse (and believe me; I don’t use that word lightly. It’s a direct quote from many different people).So if the qualified professionals are using methods that the people who have experienced them call abusive, I think I have a responsibility to at least offer thoughts for parents to consider as they’re navigating the process of diagnosis and treatment.Too often, parents are pushed to take their child directly from diagnosis to treatment, as if we’re missing some critical window of opportunity. But what if no treatment was sometimes the best option?I don’t consider this episode to be The Final Word on What Parents Should Do. It’s more of a conversation starter…a way to raise some ideas that parents might not hear from the doctors who are pushing them toward treatment as fast as possible.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.
Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.…
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179: I Never Thought of It That Way with Mónica Guzmán and Lulu
6 maart 2023 · 1 uur 7 min
If you're anything like me, navigating conflict comes pretty easily to you. You always know what to say to make your point in a tone that's firm but still inviting, right? You listen for the purpose of understanding the other person and don't just use the time while the other person is speaking to form your own rebuttal? You never get overwhelmed, and maintain your own sense of boundaries even when the discussion argument gets really heated? Lees meer
(Yeah, me either, really...)
A few months ago I put out a request for folks who disagree with me on a social issue to let me know if they would be willing to come and discuss the topic with me on a podcast episode.
I had just read Mónica Guzmán's book I Never Thought Of It That way, which concludes with an invitation to practice the tools she teaches about navigating conflict more effectively, and I thought: "Well, let's do it!" Mónica agreed to moderate a conversation and I put out a call for folks to participate...
...and let's just say that the silence was deafening.
(And I was kind of disappointed. I mean, you all are a pretty opinionated bunch, right? And I KNOW some of you disagree with me about some things...)
The one person who responded was parent Lulu, who wrote:
"I do admit that I disagree with your recent focus on White privilege and how it seems to make its way into almost every episode. Yes, it’s something to be aware of, but I don’t want that awareness to drive many of my and my kids' decisions and conversations."
Of course my first thought was "Well, you're wrong," but when I responded: "Tell me more!" she added that she sees topics like school, behavior, nutrition, empathy, and other factors as all more important than discussing White privilege on a regular basis.
"Super," I said. "Let's talk."
So we each prepared for the conversation using a framework described in Mónica's book, and as we were talking Mónica pointed out what we were doing well (and shockingly few things we weren't doing well) to buil…
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178: How to heal your inner critic
20 februari 2023 · 1 uur 1 min
Do you ever have that voice in your head that tells you things like: "You shouldn't have laid in bed for so long; you should have got up earlier to get ready for the day"? Lees meer
Or how about: "You shouldn't let your kids watch TV; good mothers don't let their kids watch TV"?
Or: "If I was any good at this parenting thing, my kids wouldn't fight with each other"?
If you do, have you noticed that sometimes that voice comes out when you talk to your children, in that exasperated, shaming voice: "Why would you do that?"
If you have, you're not alone.
My guest for this episode is parent Katie, who is a therapist with a Master's in Counseling.
She's specifically trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a method of changing people's behavior - essentially by teaching them to ignore their body's signals of fear and anxiety.
Despite knowing everything there is to know about how to change a person's behavior, Katie still struggled as she transitioned from two to three children, and was suddenly dealing with massive sleep deprivation, the oldest child biting the middle child, and a whole lot of yelling (both from the children and from her).
She got to the point where she realized: "I can't keep doing this. We can't keep functioning in this way. And I wish I didn't react so strongly but I don't know what else to do."
Katie shares some massive transitions she's made over the last year, including:
Realizing her body's surprising signal that she's feeling overwhelmed in a situation
Her transition from constantly snapping at her children to being patient and THEN snapping to being able to change course even in the middle of a difficult interaction
Ways that she gets frustration out before it erupts over her children (which models healthy coping habits for them, too!)
A non-cognitive shift (based in her body, not just in her brain)around seeing the systems we live in as an important reason why things are so hard for parents, which means it isn't her fault things are…
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177: Three ways to be a good parent, even on bad days
6 februari 2023 · 42 min
In this episode I take a look at the main reasons why we have these hard days - from our child's temperament to our temperament to attachment relationships, trauma, and neurodivergences - all of these intersect especially tightly on the hard days. Lees meer
Then we look at three ways to get through these days with a little more grace - and maybe even without having to apologize to your child at the end of it.
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
02:44 It can be difficult when we have a temperament mismatch
03:25 But having the same temperament can also be difficult
04:36 Children will often take on a role in the family
05:29 Our attachment style impacts how we perceive other people’s behavior
10:40 Making a non-cognitive shift so you see difficult days differently
21:05 We don’t always have to fix everything in the moment
25:59 The challenges to meeting your needs more often
29:43 The part we often forget is that your child has needs as well
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176: How to begin healing shame with A.J. Bond
30 januari 2023 · 1 uur 4 min
Do you ever feel ashamed? Many people find it among their most physical emotions, resulting in a big knot of tension or a hot flush that washes over their whole body. But what is shame, and where does it come from? Lees meer
I recently read a LOT of academic papers and books, and also popular books about shame, and the most helpful resource I found among all of the ones I read was written by my guest today, A.J. Bond. A.J. is a wrier and a filmmaker who experienced a shame-related breakthrough in his own therapy several years ago, and who subsequently became certified as a Healing Shame Practitioner through the Center for Healing Shame in Berkeley.
We discuss, among other things:
The origins of shame all the way back in our childhoods
What kinds of shame really are helpful in our lives
How to heal from toxic shame so we don't pass it on to our own children
AJ's book (Affiliate link)
Discomfortable: What is shame and how can we break its hold?
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
02:05 How AJ Bond get started on understanding what shame is
05:12 What is shame?
07:15 Different versions of shame for different people
08:10 Shame is like an alarm system
10:39 The breaking of the interpersonal bridge
15:48 What does good repair look like
18:45 The rupture and repair make the relationship stronger
25:41 The cultural evolution aspect and how we evolved to be around the same pretty small group of people for a lot of the time
26:58 Sham…
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Q&A #1: Should I let my child hit me, or a pillow?
23 januari 2023 · 25 min
This episode kicks off a series of new episodes that I'm very excited about, which is based on listeners' questions. My goal is to produce shorter episodes that cut across the research base to help you answer the questions that are on your mind about your child's behavior and development. Lees meer
Our first question comes from Dee in New Zealand, who wants to know: should she should do what her preschooler is asking and buy a pair of inflatable boxing gloves so he can hit her when he's feeling angry. Or would hitting a pillow be a better option?
If you'd like to submit your own question, you can record a video of yourself asking it in two minutes or less, upload it to a platform like Drive or Dropbox, and send a link to it at support@yourparentingmojo.com. Alternatively you can go to the homepage and click the button to record your question for an audio-only option.
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Other episode referenced:
Episode 159, Supporting girls' relationships with Dr. Marnina Gonick
Jump to highlights
02:18 Parent Dee’s question about her child
04:02 The six things going on in the question
06:19 The Catharsis Theory
07:18 Pointing out the difference in terminology about anger and aggression
09:38 Most of the research has studied cognitive behavioral therapy as a treatment for anger and aggression
11:22 The difference between adults and children in navigating situations
13:10 Anger in girls and boys
14:42 Addressing the difficult behavi…
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175: I’ll be me; can you be you?
9 januari 2023 · 52 min
In this most personal episode I've ever created, I'll share with you how my autism self-diagnosis has helped me to understand the experiences I've had in ways that bring a great deal more clarity and insight than I've had up to now. Lees meer
In addition to hearing from me, you'll hear the actual voicemail the therapist who has been helping me left to explain the results of my autism screeners, as well as conversations with friends about things that are hard in our friendships.
You'll hear from listeners who find things I do on podcast episodes to be hurtful and judgmental and also relatable and approachable, and sometimes it's the same things I do that prompts both the 'positive' and 'negative' reactions.
And you'll hear from a listener in my membership community who has been on a similar journey to understand how her ADHD diagnosis wasn't really about her as much as it was about her reactions to the ways her family interacted with her - they encouraged creativity and expression in her artwork, but never never never ever related to emotional expression.
My goal with this episode is to help you draw together threads in your own life in a way that maybe you haven't been able to do until now so you can understand yourself better, and make requests to help you meet your needs, and maybe change the situations you're in so you can be in them with more ease and authenticity.
And I also hope it helps you to see how your child's struggles are a reflection of their needs, and of whether those needs are being met. Just as you didn't need fixing when you were a child (and neither did I, despite all the people who tried to fix me), your child doesn't need fixing either. Instead, we can use the struggles to better understand our needs and our child's needs, and work toward meeting them both.
To investigate screeners that Dr. A. has available for free on her website, visit https://spectrumservicesnyc.com/resources/
Taming Your Triggers
If you need help with your own big feelings a…
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174: Support for Neurodivergent Parents with Dr. Rahimeh Andalibian & Sara Goodrich
19 december 2022 · 1 uur 10 min
Most of the resources related to parenting and neurodiversity are geared toward helping neurodivergent children, not neurodivergent parents, so this episode aims to help close that gap. Lees meer
Whether you (or your partner, if you have one) have a diagnosis or you see yourself (or them) struggling but can't quite figure out why, this episode may help. Autism and ADHD are diagnosed at wildly differing rates in girls and boys (in large part because boys' symptoms often turn outward while girls' symptoms turn inward), which means that girls are very often undiagnosed and unsupported well into adulthood.
Dr. A. may help you to identify neurodivergence in yourself or your partner, and then connect you to resources to support you on your journey.
Find more about Dr. A's practice at SpectrumServicesNYC.com
I also very much appreciated Dr. A's memoir The Rose Hotel (affiliate link) about her experiences in Iran during the revolution, and later in the U.K. and the U.S.
Jump to highlights
00:03 Introduction to this episode.
03:07 What kind of patterns do you see in couples where one partner is known to be neurodivergent?
07:28 It’s often the female-identifying partner who is the one who identifies the issue.
11:46 What are some of the red flags for neurodivergent partners?
16:05 Men tend to flood four times as fast as their female partners when they are in an argument.
21:43 How do I support my partner in being a successful parent and also find more balance in terms of what they bring to the family?
25:38 What do we do with this knowledge that we have?
30:31 Dealing with conflict between the couple.
32:46 What do you think of the idea of trauma as a factor in ADHD?
36:12 Diagnosis of ADHD is multi-directional.
41:56 Mental health is still stigmatized, and getting a diagnosis could backfire on you.
42:31 What is a diagnosis and how does it help?
47:44 The different types of ADHD.
53:03 Social calendaring and extracurricular activities.
54:46 Time blocking is a bet…
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173: Why we shouldn’t read the “Your X-Year-Old Child” books any more
5 december 2022 · 1 uur 11 min
Have you ever seen recommendations for the books called Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, and so on, by Louise Bates Ames? Every few weeks I see parents posting in online communities asking about some aspect of their child’s behavior that is confusing or annoying to them, and somebody responds: “You should read the Louise Bates Ames books!” Lees meer
This usually comes with the caveat that the reader will have to disregard all the 'outdated gender stuff,' but that the information on child development is still highly relevant.
In this episode I dig deep into the research on which these books are based. While the books were mostly published in the 1980s, they're based on research done in the 1930s to 1950s.
I argue that far from just 'stripping out the outdated gender stuff,' we need to look much deeper at the cultural context that the information in these books fits within - because it turns out that not only were the researchers not measuring 'normal,' 'average' child development, but that they were training children to respond to situations in a certain way, based on ideas about a person's role in society that may not fit with our views at all. And if this is the case, why should we use these books as a guide to our children's development?
Other episodes mentioned:
RIE
Science of RIE
Toilet learning
Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue
NVC
Jump to highlights:
02:41 An open invitation to check out the new book that will be released in August 2023.
04:59)Why these child psych books from the 1980s are all over parenting Facebook groups today
06:01 The Gesell philosophy of human behavior
08:48 Who is Louise Bates
10:32 Who is Arnold Gesell
11:28 How the children were selected to participate in the experiment
14:28 How our view of childhood had undergone a massive shift in the previous 100 years
16:09 What’s it like to have a child involved in the study
19:35 Some of the significant milestones provided by researchers
20:50 Dr. Gesell is looking to study the nat…
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172: You Are Not A Sh*tty Parent with Carla Naumburg
21 november 2022 · 1 uur 3 min
Are you a shitty parent? Lees meer
Or do you ever think you might be?
Parenting today is so hard, and there are so many models of 'perfect parenting' available on social media that we can compare ourselves against that provide 'evidence' that we're not doing it right.
Things can get even more difficult when we believe in respectful parenting, because we have a model for what we know we want parenting to be like - and every time we fall short of that ideal, the voice is there:
"You don't know what you're doing."
"You'll never be able to do it right."
"You're a shitty parent."
My guest today, Carla Naumburg, is the author of the bestselling book How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids, which was conveniently released just before a global pandemic started when we suddenly all started losing our shit with our kids.
Now she's back with a new book: You Are Not A Sh*tty Parent which helps us to understand:
Where these stories about ourselves come from
How we can stop believing these stories
Ways to treat both ourselves and our children with more compassion
Carla was kind enough to send an advance copy of the book to a member of my community who said that she would read a sentence in it and think:
“But you don’t know me; I actually AM a shitty parent!”...and then in the next sentence it was almost like Carla had read her mind and was prepared to address the member's precise concern. So if you ever feel anxious about your ability to parent in a way that's aligned with your values and think it's all about your failures, Carla has ideas to help.
Please note that some swearing is inevitable when you're talking about Carla's books but apart from that the conversation was remarkably restrained on the language front!
Carla Naumburg's Books (Affiliate links)
You Are Not A Sh*tty Parent
Affiliate link to How to Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids
Jump to highlights
01:53 Introducing today’s guest
02:52 Exploring various types of struggles in life and parenting and th…
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171: How Good People Can Create A More Just Future with Dr. Dolly Chugh
7 november 2022 · 1 uur 4 min
Did you read Little House on the Prairie when you were a child? I didn't, but I know it's a common American rite of passage. Lees meer
My guest in this new episode, Dr. Dolly Chugh, got entirely immersed in the story with her two young daughters - so much so that they took a vacation to the places depicted in the story, and her daughters danced around in prairie dresses.
Dr. Chugh didn't realized until afterward that there was something missing from both Little House on the Prairie and from her family's exploration of the Midwest: settlers didn't arrive to find unoccupied land ready for farming; the government actively removed Native Americans from the land so it could be occupied by 'settlers.'
Dr. Chugh studies issues related to race as a professor, and yet she completely missed this aspect of our country's history.
In her new book, A More Just Future, Dr. Chugh asks why so-called Good People act in ways that are counter to their beliefs because we don't have all the information we need, or we prioritize some information over others.
In our conversation we discussed this research, and what we can all do to take actions that are aligned with our values - even when we're new to working on social justice issues.
Dr. Dolly Chugh Book:
A more just future: Reckoning with our past and driving social change. (Affiliate link)
Jump to highlights:
(09:13) 3 ways that we tend to perceive ourselves.
(12:02) People who are trying to avoid a loss are more likely to make less ethical choices than people trying to make a game.
(14:35) Kahneman and Tversky's work that says how you frame something can have meaningful consequences, even if the thing you're framing is exactly the same.
(15:06) So that’s all the research of Framing says, and the gain versus loss piece of it says that you can have identical situations. But what the research, Molly Curran and I have shown us that if you frame it as a loss, people are more likely to cheat.
(28:51) James Loewen has done some, some deep…
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170: How to stop procrastinating with Dr. Fuschia Sirois
24 oktober 2022 · 55 min
In this episode, we explore procrastination—why it happens, its effects on our well-being, and practical solutions. Whether you struggle with putting things off, worry about your child developing this habit, or just want to understand the psychology behind it, this episode delivers valuable insights. Lees meer
Our guest, Dr. Fuschia Sirois from Durham University, brings over 20 years of research on procrastination to our conversation. She reveals the emotional foundations of procrastination and offers practical strategies for both parents and children. Dr. Sirois is the author of Procrastination: What it is, why it’s a problem, and what you can do about it.
What is Procrastination?
Not all delays qualify as procrastination. Dr. Sirois defines it as unnecessarily and voluntarily delaying a task we intend to complete—despite knowing the negative consequences. This behavior stems from self-regulation challenges, where emotions like anxiety or fear of failure lead us to avoid important tasks.
Our culture says that people procrastinate because they're disorganized and lazy. After all, how hard can it really be to do a task you've committed to doing, and one that you even know will benefit you?!
But I learned through this episode that procrastination isn't about disorganization or laziness at all – it's much more about managing how we feel about tasks – and we can learn how to do this more effectively.
Those of us who don't struggle with procrastination can also do quite a bit to support the folks who do, to make it easier for them to get stuck in and be successful at the task.
Questions this episode will answer
What distinguishes procrastination from simple delay?
Procrastination isn't just delaying tasks – it's specifically postponing despite knowing negative consequences will follow. True procrastination involves three key elements:
We delay starting or completing important tasks
We recognize this delay will worsen our situation
We choose immediate comfort over long…
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169: How to take care of yourself first with Liann Jensen
10 oktober 2022 · 53 min
Liann did not have an easy entry into motherhood. Her first child’s birth was pretty traumatic; it was followed by a miscarriage and then very quickly by another pregnancy. Lees meer
And then by COVID.
She was already overwhelmed and then everyone was isolated…and suddenly Liann had a whole lot of anger that she hadn’t seen before. She didn’t think things could be more difficult than they were in the immediate postpartum period…and then they were.
Her toddler, Hewitt, resented the new baby: Liann would be sitting on the couch nursing the baby and Hewitt is rolling on the floor shouting “NO BABY! NO BABY!”
Transitions weren’t a problem before, but now they couldn’t make it out the door to go anywhere.
Liann doesn’t deny that she was looking for a quick fix. She wanted Hewitt’s difficult behavior to stop, so she could stop feeling so freaking angry.
She listened to a few of my podcast episodes and realized that she had no self-compassion. She saw that she could be compassionate toward other people in her life, but she was unable to extend that compassion to herself (and I know she’s not alone here: this is incredibly common among the parents I work with). Every time one of her children had a meltdown it felt like a personal attack on her worth as a person.
It wasn’t a linear path for Liann to see things differently; she initially doubted that the new tools she was learning would be useful. She was out on a hike with them when they started whining and she realized they were tired and hungry…and so was she…but how did that help?
Then she started to believe that things could be different; that there could be another way. She stopped taking everything so personally, which created space for her to be able to see what her children were asking for, instead of seeing their expression of needs as an attack on her for not having anticipated and met them already.
And she also started to understand her own needs, and how she could meet these in ways that might seem unconventional…
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168: Feeling Triggered by Current Events
3 oktober 2022 · 41 min
I know it can be really difficult to navigate all the events happening in the world today. It seems like things are falling apart, with wars, climate change-caused drought and wildfires in some areas and flooding in others, with hunger not following far behind. And things aren’t any better on the political front either. Lees meer
When difficult things happen out there in the world, they spill over into our relationships with our children. We suddenly find ourselves snapping at them far more easily than usual. The things they do that are normally mildly irritating now push us to the limit, and we end up reacting to them in ways that we don’t like.
In this episode we discuss the reasons why you feel emotionally yanked around by things that are happening out there in the wider world, as well as by the ways these things are discussed online and in our families as well.
We look at the tools you can use to regulate your emotions when this happens…but also that regulating your emotions and then voting to express your feelings about how the world should be isn’t going to make a meaningful difference. We learn tools you can use instead to create a sense of autonomy, which reduces stress and also change the circumstances themselves so they are less triggering in the future.
If you know you need support with your triggered feelings, whether these are related to:
Events that are going in in the wider world
Seeing discussion of those events online or hearing about them from family members or friends
Traumatic events that you experienced in your childhood
Events in your childhood that you don’t think of as traumatic, and yet left marks on you
Difficulties you’re having now
Click the banner to learn more!
Other episodes mentioned:
No Self, No Problem
Mutual Aid
Jump to highlights:
00:08 Societal factors that make us feel triggered
03:15 The Yerkes-Dodson law describes the empirical relationship between stress and performance
04:53 Broadhurst’s research has made it possible…
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167: Healing and Helping with Mutual Aid with Dean Spade
26 september 2022 · 58 min
In this conversation with Dean Spade we resolve a long-running challenge in my understanding: when we talked with Dr. john powell on the topic of Othering and Belonging a couple of years ago we discussed how volunteering promotes othering, because it perpetuates the idea that the volunteer is a person with resources to give, and the recipient has little in the way of useful knowledge or resources of their own. Dr. powell agreed, but we didn’t have time to discuss what to do instead. Lees meer
In this episode we finally punch out that lingering hanging chad of knowledge and talk with Dean Spade about the concept of mutual aid, which is the topic of his book: Mutual Aid: Building Solidarity in This Crisis (And The Next). In this conversation we discuss:
What is mutual aid, and how it’s more effective than volunteering
How we heal in community with others from the effects that benign-seeming systems like capitalism have on us
Ways to find and get involved in mutual aid projects
As Dean and I talked, I also realized how applicable these ideas are to the work I do with parents in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.
It’s not surprising that parents feel triggered by their child’s behavior when you consider the trauma that we’ve experienced. Even if you had ‘good parents,’ they still raised you to succeed within a system that told you to hide unacceptable parts of yourself so you could be ‘successful’ - which means getting good grades, going to college, getting a good job, buying a house, and raising a family. And we’re supposed to do all of this by ourselves, without relying on others - because then we’ll need to buy more stuff along the journey.
Our culture uses shame to enforce these rules and keep us in line - that’s why we feel a sense of wrong-ness when we do something that isn’t socially acceptable - like asking for help, for example.
Because these traumas happened in community, they’re most effectively healed in community as well - just as these two parents did when …
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166: Learning to trust your child – and yourself
12 september 2022 · 45 min
Claire had used respectful parenting methods since her children were babies, so child-led learning seemed like a natural fit for her. She protected her toddler’s free play time and involved her in household chores and nature walks. Lees meer
Claire attended school as a child (just like I did!); she even enjoyed elementary school. By high school she didn’t see the relevance between what she was being taught and the things she was interested in - by that time her biggest lessons came from extracurricular art classes with mostly retired classmates at an art school, and from a theater production which she and other students put on entirely by themselves - getting advice from teachers, but messing up and fixing their mistakes by themselves.
It was the art classes and theater experiences that shaped the kind of learning that Claire wanted for her child, so she got herself pretty worked up over the idea of her oldest daughter attending public school. It was actually joining my Learning Membership that helped her see that if she did need to put her daughter in school someday, they would still be able to find ways to support her at home. Whichever way that turned out, she and her daughter would be OK.
And in the meantime, her daughter had transitioned from the simpler questions of two to the more complex, involved questions of three. Her new sibling was born, and her writing explorations proceeded in parallel with figuring out her place in the newly expanded family: suddenly she’s highly motivated to write a sign saying: NO BABIES ALLOWED.
Not only has Claire seen her child’s learning develop, but she’s also seeing her own growth as a person and as a parent. Having arrived at the decision to homeschool from a place of fear and defensiveness, which she would have to justify to her extended family who are teachers, she now feels confident that homeschooling is the right fit for her family right now - even though that may change in the future.
And - more importantly - she has reima…
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165: How grit helps (and how it doesn’t)
26 augustus 2022 · 53 min
At the beginning of our stay at a friend’s house in Oregon six weeks ago, my eight-year-old daughter Carys had biked a flat mile on a mountain biking trail; when we got to a very slight incline she made it 20 feet further and then it all fell apart. She whined; she cried; she refused to go on. Later in the day, after we had both calmed down, we discussed the idea of Doing Hard Things, and we ultimately both agreed that we wanted to improve our mountain biking skills this summer. Lees meer
She has done both a beginner and an intermediate level bike camp since then and her skills have dramatically improved! We did the Trail of Refusal the weekend after the beginner camp and she made it all the way around the loop, and the only complaining was because our riding companions weren’t going fast enough! (I’ve also been riding a lot - selling my old bike for a good price enabled the purchase of a new, much lighter one and I’m now significantly faster than I was. I may need a skills camp myself next time we’re in town…)
Professor Angela Duckworth discusses Doing Hard Things in her work on grittiness. A few days ago Listener Jamie, who helped me to prepare to talk with Alfie Kohn several years ago and who co-interviewed Dr. Mona Delahooke with me, sent me an article from The Atlantic that had just popped up in her newsfeed called The Case Against Grit and said “You said the same thing ages ago!”.
I was pretty sure I did say that, but I decided to check it out. Looking back at something I wrote four years ago has the potential to be pretty scary - my ideas have evolved a lot since then. Does this episode still ring true? Did I miss major issues? I discuss these ideas in a preview to this re-released episode.
Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity?
While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic …
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164: Supporting Neurodivergent Children with Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist
21 augustus 2022 · 50 min
Parents have been asking me for episodes on neurodivergence for a while now so I’m hoping this episode will become the start of a mini-series. In this first conversation I talk with Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, co-author of the new book Neurodiveristy Studies: A New Critical Paradigm. We look at this topic through the lens of autism, and I share some information I found to be pretty surprising when, out of curiosity, I took the Autism Spectrum Quotient screening online. Lees meer
We discuss ways that schools, workplaces, and the wider world could better accommodate neurodivergent people, both so neurodivergent people can live the fullest expression of themselves, and also so everyone can benefit from their ideas, experience, and expertise.
While this episode uses autism as a lens through which to discuss neurodiversity, the ideas in it can be applied to other types of neurodiversity including Asperger’s syndrome, dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADHD, synesthesia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and Tourette syndrome.
I also see neurodiversity as much more broad than the typical way this term is used, which tends to be used to mean “a person with a disorder that makes them not as good as a normal person.” I see us all as neurodiverse, each with our own unique combination of talents and struggles, so we should support children in learning in the way that’s uniquely suited to them.
Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity?
While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.
The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.
When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing soci…
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163: Should children vote? with Dr. John Wall
15 augustus 2022 · 53 min
Every once in a while a blog post about ‘childism’ makes the rounds on social media, which is described as being a “prejudice against young people” that’s on par with sexism, racism, and homophobia. But the Director of the Childism Institute, Dr. John Wall, argues that that definition implies children are simply victims of whatever adults throw at them - when actually they are active agents who create meaning for themselves. Lees meer
Dr. Wall’s most recent book is called Give Children The Vote - when I picked it up, I have to admit that I rolled my eyes. I was prepared to remain skeptical…and was surprised to find that by the end of the book, the idea of children’s suffrage actually made a whole lot of sense.
Changing our minds…changing the world
A big part of what happened to me as I researched this episode was that I changed my ideas about two things I’d long assumed to be true: that we need to protect children from adults who look down at them, and that children shouldn’t be able to vote. As you’ll hear in the episode, my daughter was actually part of this process on the voting topic - we talked about whether she thought she should be able to vote, and she demonstrated the major capabilities that Dr. Wall said children need to be able to vote responsibly.
So often we get stuck in a rut of imagining that the way we see the world is The Right Way, and if our child doesn’t see it that way then it’s because they aren’t yet mature enough to know how the world really works. But what if we could see that the ways children view the world - in fact, the ways we used to view the world before we were taught that rational arguments supersede all other kinds of knowledge - as something that actually has value?
Not only does it have value, but it might create insights into the challenges we face - from the small ones in our daily lives to the really big ones like what we’ll do about climate change and how we’ll address really big social problems.Our children need us to see and va…
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162: Supporting children through grief with Katie Lear
1 augustus 2022 · 59 min
This episode builds on our conversation with Dr. Atle Dyregrov on the topic of talking with children about death, where we focused mainly on death as a general concept and navigating the first few days after the death. Grief therapist Katie Lear has a new book called A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief and focuses on the much longer period of mourning that follows the death of someone close to a child. Lees meer
We look at:
The four 'tasks' of mourning that most people (including children) move through
Activities we can do in each task to help children navigate their feelings effectively
long the process usually takes
Signs that a child is engaged in 'complicated grief' and needs more support
Where and how to find that support
Resources mentioned in the show
Katie's website
The book A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief
Selma Fraiberg's book The Magic Years: Understanding and Handling the Problems of Early Childhood
The Dougy Center(resources and referrals to grief therapists)Books Katie recommends for reading with young children
When Dinosaurs Die
Ida Always
The Endless Story
The Dead Bird
Goodbye MousieJump to highlights
(03:13) Important topics in Katie Lear’s book, A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief
(04:43) Understanding what grief looks like in children and in adult
(07:38) The four tasks that children need to work through during the grieving process
(11:39) Useful activities in supporting children in the first stages of grief
(14:03) Katie recommends picture books about death that are written in a way that children can understand and that help normalize the feelings associated with the grieving process
(15:49) Should we tell our children the truth about a parent's death?
(17:45) Feelings a child experiences when someone close to them dies
(18:54) How does displaying a parent's grief to their child affect their behavior
(21:24) Understanding our child’s commotion or acting out when they’re in the grieving process
(24:11) Wh…
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161: New masculinites for older boys with Dr. Michael Kehler & Caroline Brunet
18 juli 2022 · 47 min
We've covered a number of episodes in the past that feed into this one, including Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys with Dr. Judy Chu (which focused on boys' understanding of masculinity in the preschool years), and Playing to Win with Dr. Hilary Levy Friedman (which looked at the lessons children learn from sports...which aren't really related to the sports themselves...). Lees meer
And of course there are the two episodes on patriarchy; the interview with Dr. Carol Gilligan, as well as my conversation with listener Brian Stout about what we learned during the interview.
A few weeks ago listener Caroline and I interviewed Dr. Marnina Gonick on the topic of girls' relationships, which stemmed from the question 'why are middle/high school-aged girls so mean to each other?' but became much broader in scope as we looked at the cultural factors shaping girls' relationships. At the end of that conversation I asked Dr. Gonick if she knew anyone who was doing work similar to hers but looking at boys' relationships, and she did!
In today's conversation Caroline returns to co-interview Dr. Michael Kehler, who is Research Professor in Masculinities Studies at the Weklund School of Education at the University of Calgary. We discuss how masculinity isn't something that boys are; it's something they do, how the traditional interpretation of masculinity hurts our boys and girls, and what parents can do to support boys in engaging in alternative masculinities that allow them to feel more whole as people.
Dr. Michael Kehler's book
Boys’ Bodies: Speaking the Unspoken - Affiliate link
Jump to highlights
(03:31) What does it mean to be a boy
(05:17) There is a type of masculinity that is perceived to be the most masculine
(06:21) The problem with the phrase “Boys will be boys”
(08:24) Understanding Masculine and Feminine binary
(10:09) How much influence do gender stereotypes or gender norms around masculinity have on boys' relationships, particularly at school?
(16:27) How mental a…
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160: Wanting What’s Best with Sarah Jaffe
4 juli 2022 · 45 min
There are lots of books available now on how to talk with children about issues related to race, but Sarah W. Jaffe noticed a gap: there weren't any books geared toward non-academic audiences talking about how the choices that predominantly well-off, predominantly White parents make impact other people. From childcare choices to school to college, at every step of the way we make decisions that reflect Wanting What's Best for our own child, but very often these decisions are rooted in the fear of our child falling behind in some way, and when we try to elevate our own child we often do it at the expense of others. Lees meer
Sarah's book uncovers the ideas that underlie the seemingly innocuous decisions we make so we can ensure that our choices are really aligned with our values. It also provides a great counterpoint to the book that I'm in the process of writing, which will be on the ways we either pass on or disrupt the tools of White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism to our own children through the daily interactions we have with them that don't seem to be about anything related to these topics. Publication date September 2023: stay tuned!
Click here to order Sarah W. Jaffe's book Wanting What's Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World (affiliate link).
Shownotes:
(02:37) How our child should engage in the world.
(03:57) Learn why our fears affects how we raise our children.
(05:58) The importance of racism, patriarchy and capitalism conversation in our child.
(07:42) The inadequacies in the system and issues with childcare wages during the 1960s.
(10:07) Why is our Social Security System being unfair and unjust to farm laborers and domestic workers.
(11:45) How should we deal with the childcare systems as privileged parents.
(13:20) The ideal factors in choosing a daycare arrangement between public schools and private ones.
(14:19) Is it a good idea to take the funds from one school and give it to the other schools.
(17:17) How racial makeup o…
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159: Supporting Girls’ Relationships with Dr. Marnina Gonick
20 juni 2022 · 49 min
I've been wanting to do this episode for a loooong time. We covered episodes a long time ago on how children form social groups, and what happens when they exclude each other from play, but I wanted to do an episode exploring this issue related to slightly older girls, and from a cultural perspective. There are a lot of books and articles out there on the concept of mean girls and I wanted to understand more about that. Why are girls 'mean' to each other? Is it really a choice they're making...or is it a choice in response to a complex set of demands that we put on them about what it means to be female in our culture? Lees meer
I had a really hard time finding anyone who was doing current research on the topic, and I mentioned this on a group coaching call in the Parenting Membership. A member, Caroline, said: “I know someone who can speak to this!”
Caroline had explored girls’ relationships in young adult literature for her master’s thesis, and knew Dr. Marnina Gonick’s work. Caroline introduced us, Dr. Gonick agreed to talk, and we all had a great conversation about girls’ role in our culture, how they are affected by it, and how they are agents of change as well. Dr. Gonick is Canada Research Chair in Gender and also holds a joint appointment in Education and Women’s Studies at Mount St. Vincent University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. She has written two books on the topic of girls’ relationships as well as a whole host of peer-reviewed articles.
Dr. Gonick also introduced me to an expert on boys’ relationships and we’re currently working to schedule an interview in a few weeks so there should be more to come on that soon!
Dr. Marnina Gonick’s Books:
Young Femininity: Girlhood, Power and Social Change 2004th Edition
Between Femininities: Ambivalence, Identity, and the Education of Girls (SUNY series, Second Thoughts: New Theoretical Formations) (Affiliate links).
Jump to highlights:
(03:36) How changes in cultural norms influence our understanding of what it m…
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158: Deconstructing Developmental Psychology with Dr. Erica Burman
6 juni 2022 · 49 min
I read a lot of textbooks on parenting for my Master’s in Psychology (Child Development), I’ve read tens of thousands of peer-reviewed papers on the topic, and part of the reason it’s hard work is that you can’t ever take things at face value. Lees meer
In her now classic book Deconstructing Developmental Psychology, Dr. Erica Burman explodes a number of our ideas about child development by calling our attention to what’s really going on in an interaction, rather than what we think is going on.
For example, there’s a classic study where researchers put a baby on a solid surface which changed to glass, which had a design underneath implying that there was a ‘cliff edge’ that the baby would fall off if it went onto the glass. Researchers designed the experiment to find out what babies could understand about depth perception, but perhaps what they were actually testing was the extent to which the mother’s encouragement or lack of encouragement (and it was always the mother) could entice the baby across the ‘gap.’
These kinds of confounds exist throughout the research base, and because we’re not taught to look below the surface it can be easy to accept the results at face value. Dr. Burman specializes in looking below the surface so we can examine: what are we really trying to understand here? And in doing this, are we reinforcing the same old ideas about ‘success’ that aren’t really serving us now, never mind our children in the future?
Dr. Erica Burman’s Book:
Deconstructing Developmental Psychology 3rd Edition
Developments: Child, Image, Nation (Affiliate links).
Jump to highlights:
(01:12) The contribution of Professor Erica Burman to psychology.
(03:05) First studies about Childhood Development.
(04:26) How general philosophical questions are linked in child studies.
(07:42) Childhood as a distinct social category.
(09:10) The Concept of Human Interiority and Childhood.
(10:17) Our hopes, fears, and fantasies about childhood reflect our ideas about our lost sel…
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157: How to find your village
20 mei 2022 · 40 min
For the first time, in this episode I bow out and and let listeners Jenny and Emma take over, who wanted to share how they’ve been supporting each other over the last few months. Lees meer
They started from pretty different points: Emma wasn’t having parenting struggles, but often over-communicated with her husband and he would stonewall in response, agreeing to whatever she asked so she would stop talking. Then he would resist later, and she couldn’t understand why…because he had agreed, right?
Jenny’s sleep had been disturbed by her child for more than four years…she was exhausted, and had no idea how to deal with her rage-filled kindergartener who would hit her whenever he was upset.
Neither of them had much confidence that being on a Zoom call together for 40 minutes a week would help them.
Emma and her husband now communicate in a way that meets both of their needs, and can navigate the challenges that come up with their preschooler.
Jenny is sleeping! And she has learned how deep listening and true empathy help her son to feel really heard…and incidents that used to lead to 45 minute meltdowns that would disrupt the rest of the day are now over in 10 minutes, and are actually connecting for them.
Jenny and Emma did all this with a bit of information from me…but mostly by being fully present for each other in a small ‘village’ of parents, inside the slightly larger village of the Parenting Membership.
If you want help to break down the changes you want to make into tiny manageable steps and be held (gently!) accountable for taking them (or adjusting course if needed…), we’d love to have you join the three of us plus a group of likeminded parents in the membership.
Get the information you need and the support to actually implement it, all in what members call “the least judgmental corner of the internet.”
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Jump to highlights:
01:00 Jenny and Emma came up with the idea to record an episo…
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156: From desperation to collaboration
15 mei 2022 · 36 min
Adrianna and Tim had read all the parenting books. (And I mean ALL the books.) Lees meer
But NOTHING seemed to be working.
They were still feeling frustrated with their kids on a very regular basis.
And their kids were fighting what seemed like every second of the day.
They joined the Parenting Membership last May, and the transformation our community has seen in them has been profound.
The shift started after we had a consult about their youngest daughter’s difficult behavior, which we realized was a sign of her unmet needs. (I do these 1:1 (or 1:2!) consults on a regular basis for members when I see them struggling with an issue that just can’t be addressed in writing.)
Ideas percolated. They increased the amount of 1:1 time they were spending with her, doing things she liked to do.
They attended a couple of group coaching calls and we talked more about their specific situation.
Things improved a bit.
But then it all came to a head when Adrianna posted in the community about her children’s fighting, which had become more intense than ever.
A whole lot of parents chimed in with ideas to support them, which are grounded in the ideas I’d previously discussed with her - but sometimes you need to hear things in a different way, with stories from parents who have just recently been through the same difficult stuff you’re experiencing, and they made it out the other side.
Suddenly something clicked for Adrianna. She started to see her children’s needs in a way she hadn’t before, and she started having super explicit conversations with them about their needs, and also her needs.
And then the magic started to happen, firstly in interactions between either Adrianna or Tim and their oldest child, Bodhi:
Then the two children began using these problem solving tools between themselves. All of a sudden these two children who had literally been tearing each other’s hair out could identify their own needs, and each other’s needs, and find solutions that work for both of them.…
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155: How to get your child to listen to you
1 mei 2022 · 49 min
Recently someone posted a question in one of my communities: Lees meer
“Is it really so wrong to want my child to just LISTEN to me sometimes? It seems like such a no-no in gentle parenting circles, and I’m worried that my child is growing up to be entitled and won’t know how to respect authority when they really HAVE to.”
Parent Chrystal gave such a beautiful and eloquent response to this question that I asked her to come back on the show (her first visit was last year) to talk us through how she approaches getting her (three! spirited!) children to listen to her…and what tools she uses instead.And this doesn’t end up creating entitled children who refuse to cooperate with any authority figure; in fact, her most spirited child was called a “conscientious and rule-abiding upstanding model student” by her teacher (which just about made Chrystal laugh out loud).
Chrystal has been on this respectful parenting journey for a while now, but I learned during this interview that she first interacted with me in the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop, where she started transforming a lot of the battles she was having with her children into a collaborative, cooperative relationship.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.
Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaay beyond that to learn how to set fewer limits than you ever thought possible. Sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.
Click the banner to learn more.
Jump to highlights:
02:37 Reasons we get triggered when our child isn’t listening to us.
03:38 An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.
04:50 Chrystal's manifestation that …
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154: Authoritative isn’t the best Parenting “Style”
24 april 2022 · 52 min
“On average, authoritative parents spanked just as much as the average of all other parents. Undoubtedly, some parents can be authoritative without using spanking but we have no evidence that all or even most parents can achieve authoritative parenting without an occasional spank.” Lees meer
I was fascinated by this statement, since authoritative parenting is the best style. We know it’s the best, right?
I mean, everyone says it is. Including me and who was the co-author on this paper this statement comes from? None other than Dr. Diana Baumrind, creator of the Parenting Styles (although they weren’t called that then; they were originally called the Models of Parental Control. Just to make sure we’re on the same page here, I’m going to say that again: Dr. Diana Baumrind, who created the parenting styles/model of parental control, says you can’t achieve the parenting style that has the ‘best’ outcomes for children without an occasional spank.
So in this episode we dig pretty deeply into what makes up the parenting styles, and what Dr. Baumrind and others found about the effectiveness of these styles, and what impacts they had on children. (And I have to warn you now, the samples sizes we’re looking at to ‘prove’ that authoritative is the best parenting style are going to make your stomach churn.)
Questions this episode will answer
What are the parenting styles that Dr. Diana Baumrind identified?
Dr. Baumrind originally identified three parenting styles in her groundbreaking research:
Authoritarian (high control, low warmth)
Permissive (low control, high warmth)
Authoritative (high control, high warmth).
Later, other researchers added a fourth style—Uninvolved or Neglectful parenting (low control, low warmth). This completes the two-by-two grid framework we know today. The episode explores what Baumrind actually meant by these categories. They might not be helpful for modern parents trying to build healthy relationships with their children.What's the difference betw…
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153: Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home
18 april 2022 · 57 min
In her book Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home, Toko-pa Turner talks about the disconnection we feel from others, as well as from our own selves, because of the experiences we’ve had in our childhood. While Toko-pa’s childhood was traumatic by any definition, even those of us who didn’t experience severe trauma were told - either verbally or non-verbally: You’re not enough. You’re not good enough. Or even: You’re too much.And we shut off that part of us, whatever it was. Our sense of joy, our creativity, our need for autonomy. Lees meer
We set aside those needs so we could be accepted by our family, whose love we craved more than anything in the world.But that doesn’t mean we need to always live our lives in this way. We can accept the pain and suffering we’ve experienced, and incorporate that into new, more whole ways of being in the world. A big part of this is finding a new relationship with our needs - seeing them, understanding them, being willing to articulate them. Being willing to ask for help in meeting our needs - from our children, our partners, and our communities. Toko-pa points out that our culture teaches us that the giver is in the position of strength; they are rich and secure and don’t need anyone’s help. The receiver is the weak, poor, needy one (the whole thing smacks of femininity, doesn’t it?). So to be in the position of strength we give and give and give until we don’t have anything left.But we have needs too, and we deserve to have these met, and to invite others to help us meet them - and this episode helps us to get started.I want to remind you of a couple of upcoming opportunities if you see that your own needs are not being met right now.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
If you want to make your own transformation from a relationship where your child JUST DOESN’T LISTEN to one where you have mutual care and respect for each other’s needs, then the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.
Go from constant struggles and …
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SYPM 020: Preparing for the afterbirth with Renee Reina
4 april 2022 · 44 min
I don’t know about you, but I spent a LOT of time thinking about my birth plan before Carys was born. I mean, that thing went through multiple iterations as I read new books about the birth process and thought about what I wanted mine to be like. Lees meer
And I got lucky; we didn’t stray too far from the plan (except that that whole ‘urge to push’ thing? Well I never felt that. It seemed like she was quite happy where she was. Perhaps that explains why she enjoys being wrapped in fluffy blankets so much?)
So I put all this effort into what the Big Day would be like, and practically zero into what life would be like afterward.
I mean, we got the nursery ready without realizing that she wasn’t going to spend any time in it at all for the first three months.
And the whole visitors thing - well that didn’t even cross my mind.
I guess I just assumed that people would come and visit, because that’s what people do after you have a baby.
But most of the time I didn’t want visitors!
I spent a good chunk of the first 10 days in tears.
(In fact my husband and I had a mini-celebration at bedtime on the 10th day because it was the first time I hadn’t cried since she was born.)
Sometimes I was able to get dressed and greet people…other times I was curled up in bed crying while my husband did the entertaining.
The idea of saying “no visitors yet please” simply didn’t cross my mind.
That’s what we discuss in today’s episode with Renee Reina of The Mom Room. She was lucky enough to have her Mom living close by when she had her baby, who became her gatekeeper - friends and family would check in with Renee’s Mom before coming over.
Renee was able to create the calm, peaceful environment at home that she wanted to bring baby into - and re-engage with the world on her own terms, when she was ready.
In this episode we talk about how to make those early days of motherhood work for you and your family - no matter what social conventions say are the right things to do.
Jump to highlig…
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152: Everything you need to know about sleep training
27 maart 2022 · 53 min
We've already covered a couple of episodes on sleep, including the cultural issues associated with sleep, then more recently we talked with Dr. Chris Winter about his book The Rested Child where we looked at sleep issues in older children. Lees meer
But if you have a young child who isn't sleeping well, from the baby stage all the way up to about preschool, this episode is for you! My guest is Macall Gordon, senior lecturer in the Department of Psychology at Antioch University Seattle, and who has studied young children's sleep for 20 years. She's particularly interested in the intersection between children's temperament and their sleep, and how parents of the children she calls 'little livewires' can support these children so everyone gets more sleep.
If you have questions about sleep training - particularly when and how to do it - this episode is for you!
Jump to highlights
01:25 Introduction of episode
05:15 Age range of a child to be sleep-trained
16:15 What it's like to be a parent in a sleep training study
17:30 The active ingredient to sleep coaching
29:00 The differences of how babies sleep through the night
37:20 Only one method in sleep training the child
40:21 Limit setting disorder
48:54 Realization on the episode
[accordion]
[accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]
Jen Lumanlan 00:02
Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be so
Jenny 00:09
Do you get tired of hearing the same old interest in podcast episodes? I don't really but Jen thinks you might. I'm Jenny, a listener from Los Angeles, testing out a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development but puts it in context for you as well. So you can decide whether and how to use this new information. I liste…
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151: The Alphabet Rockers with Kaitlin McGaw and Tommy Shepherd
20 maart 2022 · 39 min
The band The Alphabet Rockers consists of lead members Kaitlin McGaw and Tommy Shepherd, and a multi-racial group of children who are also involved in writing and performing. They write about their real lived experiences and their desire to live in a world where everyone belongs. Lees meer
Kaitlin and Tommy are actually fellows at the Othering and Belonging Institute, run by Dr. jon powell, whose work I really respect and whom we interviewed in the episode on othering.
They also do work in schools - in an hour-long program they work with a class to compose a song, which gives children the experience not just of songwriting, but of truly being heard and having their ideas respected.
Kaitlin and Tommy have now written a children's book called You Are Not Alone, which we discussed in the episode - along with a host of other juicy topics related to parenting...and racism...and White supremacy...
Jump to highlights
01:37 Introducing the guest speakers
04:45 Each song has its journey
14:30 The importance of centering children's experience in creating a culture of belonging
19:30 Practices that are intentionally brought into your family or practices that you have let go of in your family
[accordion]
[accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]
Jen Lumanlan 00:02
Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be so
Jenny 00:10
do you get tired of hearing the same old interests to podcast episodes? I don't really But Jen thinks you might. I'm Jenny, a listener from Los Angeles, testing out a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development but puts it in context for you as well, so you can decide whether and how to use this new information. I listen because parenting can be scary and it's reassu…
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150: How to avoid passing on an eating disorder to our child with Dr. Shiri Sadeh-Sharvit
7 maart 2022 · 51 min
This episode is a continuation of the series on the intersection of children and food. We've also heard from Dr. Lindo Bacon on busting myths about fat, Dr. Michael Goran on how sugar affects our children, Dr. Karen Throsby with a more high-level view on the sugar topic, and Ellyn Satter on her Division of Responsibility approach. Lees meer
My guest in this episode, Dr. Shiri Sadeh-Sharvit, co-author with Dr. James Lock of Parents with Eating Disorders: An Intervention Guide. The book is written for professionals but it's short and very approachable and may be beneficial for parents who are navigating disordered eating as well.
In the episode we discuss:
The impacts of disordered eating on children's health and wellbeing (which were more extensive than even I had realized)
The ways that disordered eating impact our parenting
How parents can begin to heal so these patterns don't get passed down to the next generation
Jump to highlights
01:29 Introduction of episode
03:32 Where did eating disorder come from
10:37 Imbalance between maternal stressors and maternal resources
14:15 Ranges of eating disorder
15:20 How eating disorders show on pregnant women
15:56 Average age of eating disorder onset
19:06 Characteristics of infants after the pregnant mother experiences eating disorder
23:53 What transitions do we see as a child is getting older
31:16 What outcomes among children whose parents struggle with eating disorder
32:48 Eating disorder can display the desire for weight loss
34:55 Parent-based prevention and its main theoretical contacts
43:11 Advice that Dr. Shiri Sadeh-Sharvit wanted to give to parents
44:48 Advocacy of the program
Dr. Shiri Sadeh-Sharvit's Book:
Parents with Eating Disorders: An Intervention Guide (Affiliate link).
References:
Sadeh-Sharvit, S., & Lock, J. (2019). Parents with eating disorders: An intervention guide. New York: Routledge.
Sadeh-Sharvit, S., Levy-Schiff, R., Feldman, T., Ram, A., Gur, E., Zubery, E., Steiner, E., Lat…
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SYPM 019: Why are you always so angry?
21 februari 2022 · 50 min
One day Iris took her daughter to the park, with enough snacks with for both of them. When Iris got hungry, she asked her daughter to share some of the food - but her daughter refused. Iris knows that hunger is a factor that dramatically narrows her Window of Tolerance and makes it more likely that she’ll snap at her child’s behavior, so she asked again for food and again her daughter refused. Lees meer
Then out of nowhere a crow swooped down and tried to steal some of the food, causing the whole lot to fall on the ground - and Iris exploded. She was so angry that she felt a hot energy coming from her gut, and her daughter is standing in the park with tears flooding down her face, because Iris yelled at her.
And then, of course, the guilt and shame spiral begins: “What am I doing? Why am I so angry? And why can’t I stop?”
Now, Iris is in a very different place. She’s not perfect, of course - none of us are. But even Iris, the raised-Catholic-and-prone-to-unworthiness-and-guilt-tripping specialist, has found a different path.
She no longer has to convince herself that she’s worthy of having her needs met - she knows she is, and she holds her own needs with equal care as her daughter’s needs.
Because her needs are met on a regular basis, she’s able to respond to her daughter’s age-appropriate difficult behavior with compassion and empathy.
And because she’s able to do this most of the time, she doesn’t need to get into the guilt and shame spiral nearly as often. (And on the few occasions when it does still happen, she knows how to treat herself with compassion as well, instead of beating herself up for screwing up.)
Do you want to make this kind of shift in your own life? Do you often feel triggered by your child’s behavior? My Taming Your Triggers workshop, which has helped thousands of parents to not just remember a new script for the difficult moments, but to truly take on a new way of being in their relationships with their children - just like Iris has done.
Click…
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149: How to set the boundaries you need
13 februari 2022 · 50 min
We’ve covered the topic of boundaries before, in our conversation with Xavier Dagba. In my work with parents, I see that an inability to set boundaries is a MAJOR cause of feeling triggered by our child’s behavior. Lees meer
When we snap at our child’s behavior, it often (not always, but often) comes somewhat later in the day.
There’s a reason for that: it’s because we haven’t been able to set boundaries early in the day, so each time our child crosses where a boundary should have been, we get more and more irritated. Then finally we can’t take it any more - and after one last not-boundary crossing, we snap.
(If you snap early in the day, I’d ask you to consider what boundaries were crossed for you the day (or many days) before, and whether you’re still feeling the effects of that?)
So we’ve discussed this before, and yet…boundaries continue to be a struggle for almost all of the parents I meet. Why is this?
We’ll get into that in this episode, which draws on Nedra Tawwab’s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, and goes beyond it too. Nedra outlines nine reasons why we find setting boundaries so difficult, and I argue that’s because all nine are rooted in patriarchal ways of being in relationships.
When we’ve been conditioned for decades that our role as women is not to seem rude or mean, to keep the peace at all costs, to make sure everyone else’s needs are taken care of before our own, and to have our power in a relationship come from taking care of others, is it any wonder that we go out into the world and have no idea how to even know we need a boundary, never mind how to set one?
And secondly I argue that while we might need more boundaries between us and the people we love, that we have WAY TOO MANY boundaries between us and the people in our broader communities. That’s one big reason why we feel so stressed out all the time - because it seems like we are the only person that can meet our child’s every need, and that we have to do it all alone. I believe that by brea…
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148: Is spanking a child really so bad?
6 februari 2022 · 49 min
"I was spanked and I turned out fine." Lees meer
How many times have you heard this defense of spanking children? But what does the research tell us about spanking effectiveness, child discipline, and long-term consequences?
My guest, Professor Andrew Grogan-Kaylor from the University of Michigan, has extensively researched physical punishment and argues that spanking should be classified as an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE)—a marker of severe trauma. When we examine spanking closely, we're discussing hitting another human being, something we'd never accept between adults. As Dr. Grogan-Kaylor points out, parents typically spank when frustrated or angry, making it virtually impossible to administer in a truly "controlled" way.
In the episode, we also discuss how, due to the way that a quirk in one researcher’s agenda aligned with changes in ethical rules governing experiments, that there’s actually scientific evidence from randomized controlled trials to support the efficacy of spanking at changing children’s behavior to make it acceptable to their parents! Now the rules have changed and wouldn’t permit spanking during an experiment, it isn’t possible to generate evidence against spanking. So advocates of spanking (and yes, there are some!) can honestly say that there is evidence of the highest quality in favor of spanking, and no evidence of that quality against it.
And of course we have to ask ourselves: is compliance what we really want? Our instinctive response to that question might be “Yes! I do want flipping compliance – and I want it now!” But I know many parents listening to the show have a goal to raise children who speak up when they see injustice, and who are internally motivated to do the right thing…and unfortunately focusing on making children’s behavior comply with our wishes works against that.
But that doesn’t mean the alternative is letting our child rule the roost. There are ways to get your needs met and also meet your child’s needs, without spa…
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SYPM 018: No Set Bedtime with Gila and Katherine
30 januari 2022 · 59 min
When I interviewed Dr. Chris Winters last year, I described how we’ve been using a No Set Bedtime method with our daughter Carys. He used it with his children starting in the Elementary years, and his eyes nearly fell out of his head when I told him we’d been using it since Carys was about three. Lees meer
In the email about the Dr. Winters interview, I asked any listeners who wanted to learn more about this method to be in touch, so in this episode we’ll meet listeners Katherine and Gila. Katherine’s daughter is three and Gila’s son is seven, and in this episode I explain the No Set Bedtime approach and then they pepper me with questions about how to make it work in their families.
We recorded our conversation back in November 2021, and in January I followed up with them to see how it’s going. I share their feedback and my ideas on what’s going well and what they might adjust.
[embed]https://vimeo.com/671735528[/embed]
Jump to highlights
01:32 Introduction to the episode and guests Gila and Katherine
05:42 How Jen and her family arrived at no set bedtime
19:09 Gila's worry: will her son binge on staying up, like unrestricted sugar?
25:10 Katherine's dinner struggle and its ripple effect on bedtime
27:24 The difference between a limit and a boundary
31:39 Why setting a boundary requires getting clear on your own needs first
33:58 Rethinking connection time: does self-care have to mean a separate room?
39:05 How to know it's time to adjust: resistance and resentment as signals
50:08 Does using the bedroom for play affect a child's ability to sleep there?
52:03 What to do when a parent wants to go to bed before the child does
55:08 How this might look different with more than one child in the house
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SYPM 017: Reparenting ourselves to create empathy in the world with Amy
23 januari 2022 · 1 uur 6 min
In this episode we hear from parent Amy, who is a White parent married to a Black man raising four biracial children in Colorado. Amy has been on quite a journey to explore her role as a descendant of Puritans who came to the United States looking for religious freedom on her father’s side, and of Irish Catholics on her mother’s side. She sees how her parents were able to get advanced education and a loan to buy a house and start a business, and that from the outside they looked like a pretty happy family. Lees meer
But behind closed doors, things were not so pretty - they were actually chaotic and volatile. Amy was an intense, spirited child and her parents didn’t have the tools they needed to meet her needs. She learned to use her intellect to protect herself, and projected an image of having her stuff together - a habit that she then continued as a parent, as she projected a Supermom-type image. Our culture rewards us for looking like we’re keeping it together, even when everything’s falling apart inside.
So Amy is a deep believer in dismantling patriarchy (she actually wanted to do this on Wall Street!) and in treating people with respect, but in a sleep-deprived moment after her fourth baby was born she broke up a squabble between two of her older children by pulling them roughly apart and yelled at the older one: “Why did you do that?” (a question for which of course there’s no answer).
She saw the terrified look on her daughter’s face which brought back the visceral fear she felt at her own parents’ explosive feelings and felt so much pain that she, Amy - the believer in breaking down traditional power structures and treating people with respect - had caused this kind of fear in her own child.
And of course it seemed like the things that really needed to change were her partner, who should stop doing obnoxious things, and her children, who were pushing each other’s buttons and fighting and leaving disgusting blobs of oatmeal on the floor for her to step in with ba…
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147: Sugar Rush with Dr. Karen Throsby
9 januari 2022 · 1 uur 4 min
This episode continues our conversation on the topic of children and food. A few months ago we heard from Dr. Lindo Bacon about how the things we’ve learned about obesity might not actually be the whole story. Then we talked with Ellyn Satter about the approach she devised called Division of Responsibility, which holds the parent/caregiver responsible for the what, when, and where of eating and the child responsible for whether and how much. Lees meer
We followed that with a conversation with Dr. Michael Goran, a world-renowned expert on the impact of sugar on our bodies, and specifically on children’s bodies – and co-author of the book SugarProof. While the research seems to indicate that consuming large amounts of sugar isn’t necessarily the best thing for us, when I dug into the original papers that form the backbone of SugarProof I found that the results didn’t always seem to be quite as large as the book indicated.
In this episode we take another look at sugar – this time from the perspective of sociologist Dr. Karen Throsby. Dr. Thorsby received her BA in English Language and Literature from Lincoln College, Oxford, and a MSc in Gender and later a Ph.D from the London School of Economics. She is currently an Associate Professor in Gender Studies at the University of Leeds, and is writing a book entitled Sugar Rush: Science, Obesity, and the Social Life of Sugar.
For the book, she is analyzing over 500 UK newspaper articles about sugar, as well as policy documents, scientific publications, popular science articles, self-help literature, and documentaries. She wants to understand what happens when we demonize sugar as ‘public enemy number one,’ and along with it the fat body. She doesn’t aim to determine the ‘truth’ about sugar or offer prescriptions about what people should eat, but instead think about how this debate relates to how scientific knowledge is produced, validated, and appropriated, panics about health and body size, the role of generation, gender, race, …