Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive
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235: Children’s threats: What they mean and how to respond
27 januari 2025 · 56 min
Children’s threats: What they mean and how to respond Lees meer
"If you don't give me a lollipop, I won't be your friend anymore.”
Said to a sibling: “If you don’t come and sit down, I'll take your toy.” “If you don't give me candy before dinner, I'll hit you.”
Has your child made threats like this (or worse ones) when things don't go their way?
Whether it’s yelling, “I’ll never be your friend again!” or threatening to hurt you, hearing these words can stop you in your tracks.
Why do our kids say things like this? Where do they even get the idea to use threats, when we've never said anything like this to them and we don't think they've heard it from screen time either?
In this week's episode we'll dig deeply into these questions, and learn how to respond both in the moment the threat has happened - as well as what to do to reduce future threats.
You’ll hear:
A step-by-step strategy to deal with a real-life example - from the parent whose child said "If you don't lie down with me I will shatter your eyeballs!"
The phrases we use with our kids that might unintentionally encourage this kind of behavior
Specific, practical tools to use in the moment - and long before tensions escalate
Are you ready to turn these tough moments into opportunities for deeper connection?
Tune in to the episode today.
And what happens to you when your child threatens you?
Do you lose your mind?
Do you freak out that you might be raising a child who needs help to defuse violent tendencies, and then yell at them because their threats are SO INAPPROPRIATE?
Hopefully this episode reassures you that that isn't the case. But that may not eliminate your triggered feelings - because these don't always respond to logic.
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child fr…
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234: The problem with Time Outs: Why they fail, and what to do Instead
20 januari 2025 · 37 min
The Problem with Time Outs: Why They Fail, and What to Do Instead Lees meer
Recently, in Part 1 of this two-part mini-series, we began looking at a question from listener Melissa: "Can time-outs ever have a place in a respectful parenting approach? (And if not, what else am I supposed to do when my kid looks me in the eye and does something he knows he’s not supposed to do?)" That episode looked at the academic research on the effectiveness of time-outs, what else might account for the research that finds them ‘effective,’ and whether time-outs might harm children even if the research says they don’t.
Today’s episode builds on Part 1 by exploring why time outs often fail to address misbehavior effectively - and may harm parent-child relationships.
Key points include:
We often don’t understand the distinction between misbehavior and emotional distress: Researchers agree that we should use time-outs when children misbehave, but not when they’re emotionally distressed. But what if we aren’t as good at telling the difference between those two states as we think we are?
Understanding why children do things we tell them not to do: We look specifically at what Melissa’s 3 ½-year-old son is doing - things like poking her face, throwing a toy when she’s told him not to, and dropping food on the floor during dinner, as well as pulling his sister’s hair, and hitting/kicking her.
How alternatives to time out are even more effective: Even in controlled lab settings, compliance after time-outs often doesn’t exceed 60%. We’ll meet parent Kendra, whose child had an Oppositional Defiant Disorder diagnosis that she no longer believes is true now she’s using the tools we discuss in this episode.
Drawing on research and these real-life stories, this episode offers actionable insights for parents who want effective alternatives to time-outs.Whether you’re dealing with boundary-testing toddlers or older children’s challenging behaviors, this episode provides tools to help you deal with you…
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233: Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says
13 januari 2025 · 1 uur
Time Outs: Helpful or harmful? Here’s what the research says Lees meer
Pediatricians and researchers commonly recommend that parents use time outs when kids misbehave. Time outs are promoted as an effective, evidence-based parenting strategy - although the real reason they’re so highly recommended is that they cause less damage to children than hitting.But if we’re already using respectful/gentle parenting strategies most of the time, could there be any benefit to adding time outs when our children don’t comply with more gentle methods?
This episode delves into the research on:
Which children and families researchers think time outs are effective for(it’s not the same group of children who are usually study participants!);
The precise time out script that has been shown to be effective(and why it works);
Whether time outs harm children or not(this is one of the biggest controversies in the Gentle Parenting world)
If you’ve heard that time out is an effective strategy to gain children’s cooperation but weren’t sure whether it fits with your Gentle Parenting approach, this episode will help you to decide for yourself whether it’s a good fit for you and your family.
Taming Your Triggers
If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:
Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…
Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…
Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…
…the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you.
Click the banner to learn more!
Other episodes mentioned:
Episode 231: How to support baby’s development after a Wonder Week
Episode 230: Do all babies have Wonder Weeks? Here’s what the research says
Episode 154: Authoritative is not the best parenting style
Episode 148: Is spanking a child really so bad?
Episode 072: Is the 30 …
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232: 10 game-changing parenting hacks – straight from master dog trainers
6 januari 2025 · 53 min
What Dog Trainers Know That You Don’t! Lees meer
Ever felt stuck figuring out how to respond to your child’s challenging behavior? What if the key lies in techniques used by master dog trainers?
In this episode, we explore how strategies designed to nurture trust and communication with dogs can revolutionize the way we parent. From co-regulation to building a culture of consent, you’ll learn actionable steps to create a harmonious home environment.
What you’ll learn:
Read dogs’ non-verbal cues to prevent bites - and how reading your child’s can prevent meltdowns.
Never yell at dogs—and what they do to get cooperation instead.
Calm anxious dogs—the same technique can reduce your child’s tantrums.
Build trust and gain consent with dogs—which can also strengthen your relationship with your child.
Stay calm under pressure—their strategies can help you navigate parenting stress as well.
This episode ties together the science of behavior with empathy to show that parenting doesn’t have to mean power struggles. By understanding your child’s needs (just like dog trainers learn to understand their dogs), you’ll build a connection that lasts a lifetime.
Don’t miss out on this unique perspective on parenting!
Love what you’re learning? Support the show and help us keep delivering insightful episodes like this one!
👉 Click here: https://learn.yourparentingmojo.com/donate
Ready to test your parenting instincts? Take our free Quiz to see how these strategies could work for you! Click the banner below.
Book mentioned in this episode:
Affiliate Links
The Other End of the Leash by Dr. Patricia McConnell
How to Be Your Dog's Best Friend by The Monks of New Skete
Parenting Beyond Power by Jen Lumanlan
Mentioned Episodes
Episode 215: Why will no-one play with me?
Episode 201: How to create a culture of consent in our families
Jump to highlights
00:03 Introduction to Your Parenting Mojo Podcast
03:09 Acknowledgment of Listeners and Financial Support
04:39 Jen's Experienc…
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231: How to support baby’s development after a Wonder Week
16 december 2024 · 1 uur 4 min
Expert strategies for baby's growth and development beyond Wonder Weeks Lees meer
In Part 2 of our Wonder Weeks series, we’re exploring how to support your baby’s development once a Wonder Week has passed. Is there a predictable schedule to follow, or is your baby’s crying tied to something unique?
In this episode, we’ll dive into:
✨ What research says about crying and developmental stages.
✨ The cultural influences behind parenting decisions and baby care.
✨ Strategies to support your baby through challenging times, Wonder Week or not.
✨ Ways to handle stress and ensure both you and your baby thrive.Whether your baby follows the Wonder Weeks timeline or forges their own path, this episode equips you with the insights and tools you need to nurture their growth.
Book mentioned in this episode:
The Wonder Weeks by Dr. Frans Plooij and Hetty van de Rijt
Childhood Unlimited: Parenting Beyond the Gender Bias by Virginia Mendez
Mentioned Episodes
Episode 230: Do all babies have Wonder Weeks? Here’s what the research says
Episode 138: Most of What You Know About Attachment is Probably Wrong
Episode 72: What is RIE?
Episode 084: The science of RIE
Episode 173: Why we shouldn’t read the Your X-Year-Old child books anymore
Episode 137: Psychological Flexibility through ACT with Dr. Diana Hill
Episode 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?
Episode 066: Is the 30 Million Word Gap real?
Episode 072: Is the 30 Million Word Gap Real: Part II
Episode 031: Parenting beyond pink and blue
Episode 017: Don’t bother trying to increase your child’s self-esteem
Episode 061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?
Jump to Highlights
00:00 Introduction to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast
01:49 Exploring the Developmental Leaps in Wonder Weeks
02:50 Critical Analysis of Leap Descriptions
12:04 Evaluating Leap Seven and Leap Eight
14:23 Parental Concerns and Cultural Influences
19:31 The Role of Social Support in Parenting
19:47 Addressing Fussy Periods and Par…
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230: Do all babies have Wonder Weeks? Here’s what the research says
2 december 2024 · 1 uur 4 min
The Science of Why Babies Cry More and What Parents Need to Know Lees meer
You may have noticed that your baby sometimes seems calm and relaxed…and then goes through a ‘fussy’ phase, where they seem to cry no matter what you do. Do these fussy phases happen on a predictable schedule? Is it predictable for all babies…and for all parents?
In this episode, we dive into the research behind the theory of the Wonder Weeks, as described in the books and app. This popular concept suggests that all babies experience predictable periods of fussiness in preparation for going through developmental ‘leaps,’ but the science behind it may be much more limited than you expect. We break down the available research, explain why babies might cry more at certain stages, and help parents understand the truth about these so-called Wonder Weeks.
What topics do we cover?
How Wonder Weeks became a popular theory
What actual research says about baby crying phases
Ways to support your baby during fussy times, whether or not Wonder Weeks apply
By the end, you’ll feel more informed about why babies cry and have a clearer idea of whether Wonder Weeks is a useful tool for understanding your baby’s needs.
Episodes Mentioned:
SYPM 016: Getting it right from the start with a new baby
Episode 138: Most of What You Know About Attachment is Probably Wrong
Episode 72: What is RIE?
Episode 084: The science of RIE
Episode 173: Why we shouldn’t read the Your X-Year-Old child books anymore
Episode 137: Psychological Flexibility through ACT with Dr. Diana Hill
Episode 075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?
Episode 066: Is the 30 Million Word Gap real?
Episode 072: Is the 30 Million Word Gap Real: Part II
Episode 031: Parenting beyond pink and blue
Episode 017: Don’t bother trying to increase your child’s self-esteem
Books mentioned in this episode:
The Wonder Weeks by Dr. Frans Plooij and Hetty van de Rijt
Jump to Highlights:
00:03 Introduction to the Podcast and Wonder Weeks
02:…
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229: Raising kids in divisive times: Where do we go after the 2024 election?
12 november 2024 · 1 uur 34 min
How to Raise Kids and Live Our Values in Divisive Times Lees meer
Chances are, if you're thinking of listening to this podcast episode, the 2024 election didn't go the way you hoped it would.
A lot of people are feeling scared right now. I've heard some people wanting to fight, while others want to hunker down. I've had both of those feelings myself over the last few weeks.
I don't usually wade into current events. My brain needs time to process and digest and preferably take in a lot of peer-reviewed research before I can decide what I think.
I tried to do something different in this episode: I did read a lot, but I only took notes and then spoke mostly extemporaneously. And now you've seen the length of this episode you'll know why I don't do that very often.
In this episode we will help you answer questions like:
How do our values shape political views and actions?
How can we make sense of the way that liberals and conservatives prioritize different values?
Is it possible that liberals haven't been truly honest about how we live our values?
What kinds of actions can we take to create true belonging so we don't have to grasp at power?
How can we create true belonging in our families, to live our values honestly and completely?
I hope you find this thought-provoking and useful as we all start to think about the ways we can move forward - and keep everyone safe.
These are the graphs mentioned in this episode:
Books mentioned in this episode:
(Affiliate links)
Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection and Collaboration to Transform Your Family - and the World, by Jen Lumanlan
Belonging without Othering, by John A. Powell and Stephen Menendian
Schedule your own Red/Blue conversation through Braver Angels
Other episodes mentioned:
179: I Never Thought of It That Way with Mónica Guzmán and Lulu
114: How to stop ‘Othering’ and instead ‘Build Belonging’
221: How to advocate for the schools our children deserve with Allyson Criner Brown & Cassie Gardener Ma…
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228: Parenting Through Menopause – Discover Your Wise Power!
6 november 2024 · 59 min
Learn How To Navigate Menopause While Raising Kids Lees meer
Today, we’re diving into a topic that many parents may face but rarely talk about openly: navigating menopause while raising young kids. If you’ve been wondering how to balance parenting with the changes menopause brings, this episode is for you.
In our first interview on Menstrual Cycle Awareness, we explored how menstruation impacts our lives. Today, we’re thrilled to welcome back our wonderful guests, Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, for a second interview focusing on menopause. Alexandra Pope, Co-Founder of Red School and Co-Author of Wild Power and Wise Power, is a pioneer in menstruality education and awareness. With over 30 years of experience, Alexandra believes that each stage of the menstrual journey—from the first period to menopause and beyond—holds a unique power. Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, also Co-Founder of Red School and Co-Author of Wild Power and Wise Power, is a psychotherapist and menstrual cycle educator. She is passionate about helping people understand and honor their natural rhythms, using menstrual cycle awareness as a tool for self-care and empowerment.
In this conversation, they’ll share their insights on embracing menopause as a time of empowerment rather than something to simply endure. They introduce us to their concept of “Wild Power,” a strength that arises from understanding and honoring your body’s natural rhythms through every stage of life.
Why Menopause Matters in Parenting
When we have kids a bit on the 'later' side, we may find ourselves dealing with perimenopause - when our body prepares for menopause - as we're raising young children. This experience can bring challenges, like feeling more tired or dealing with mood changes, but it also offers us new ways to grow and find our inner strength. Alexandra and Sjanie show us how we can be more understanding and open with ourselves and others as we go through this time of change.
What You'll Learn in This Episode:
What…
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227: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 2
21 oktober 2024 · 49 min
Understanding Emotions: Insights from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett Lees meer
In our last conversation with Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett [Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1] a couple of weeks ago we looked at her theory of where emotions originate. This has important implications for things like:
How our 'body budgets' affect our feelings
How we make meaning from our feelings so our internal experience makes sense
That we don't always understand other people's feelings very well!
The introduction to the theory plus the conversation plus the take-home messages would have made for an unwieldy episode, so I split it in half.
Today we conclude the conversation with Dr. Barrett and I also offer some thoughts about things I think are really important from across the two episodes, including:
What we can do with the information our feelings give us
How long we should support children in feeling their feelings (given that they don't always mean what we think they mean!) and when we should help them move on
Some tools we can use to re-regulate in difficult moments with our kids
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's Books (Affiliate Links)
How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain
Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain
Other episode mentioned:
129: The physical reasons you yell at your kids
Jump to highlights
00:59 Introducing today’s episode and featured guests
05:01 People in chaotic or uncertain situations,…
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226: Where emotions come from (and why it matters) Part 1
7 oktober 2024 · 53 min
Understanding Emotions: Insights from Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett Lees meer
Have you ever wondered where our emotions come from?
Do you think that if you look at a person’s face, you can have a pretty good idea of how they’re feeling?
But at the same time, do your child’s feelings seem mysterious to you, like you can’t figure them out?
Listener Akiko introduced me to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's theory of where our emotions come from, and I found it fascinating. It presents compelling evidence that the ways we've thought about emotions up to now may be entirely wrong.
We might think we can match a specific arrangement of facial features (like a scowl) with a particular emotion (like anger), but not everyone scowls when they're angry and people also scowl when they aren't angry.
We tend to infer characteristics about our child from things like their tone, so we might hear a 'snarky' tone and think: "My child doesn't respect me," when actually they're feeling hurt because their need for consideration hasn't been met.
And sometimes there isn't a deep psychological reason why they're having big emotions...sometimes it's a challenge in balancing what Dr. Barrett calls their 'body budget' (and some of our big emotions come from challenges in balancing our body budgets as well).
Dr. Barrett is the author of over 275 peer-reviewed articles on the topic of emotions and is among the top 0.1% of cited scientists in the world, so it was a real honor to speak with her about how our emotions are made...and what this means for:
How we make meaning out of our emotions (which is critical to understanding the trauma we've experienced)
How we talk with kids about emotions ("You hit Johnny and now he's feeling sad" might not be the best way to do this);
What to do with big emotional expressions that seem to 'come out of nowhere' - which actually happens fairly rarely.
This episode opens with me defining Dr. Barrett's theory of emotions so we didn't have to waste 20 minutes of our preciou…
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225: How to stop shaming your child
30 september 2024 · 52 min
Learn ways how to overcome parenting triggers Lees meer
I know it can be really (really) difficult to bridge the gap between being the kind of parent we want to be, and the kind of parent we're able to be in the moments when our kids do things we find difficult.
We might know that we want our kids to receive a message of unconditional love and acceptance, but when they do something like hitting their sibling and we respond: "Why would you DO that?!", or handle them roughly, or even spank them, that the message they are receiving may not be one of unconditional love and acceptance.
Parent Jody joined the Parenting Membership and in the moments when he was able to stay regulated, the new tools helped him to navigate his kids' behavior more effectively. But when he got triggered by something like sibling hitting (because seeing a child get hit is triggering when you were hit as a child), then he would default back to what he called "autopilot parenting," and he would yell at his kids, shame them, and spank them - just like his parents had done to him.
So he signed up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop, and in just a few weeks, Jody started to share his 'wins.'
🚗 There was the time he was able to create a pause when his kids started fighting in the back seat instead of exploding at them.
🛁 He was able to identify his needs, and his children's needs when they were throwing water out of the bath all over the floor, and find a strategy that met both of their needs.
🧸 And then there was the time when his son had smuggled four of his bedtime toys under his school uniform to the car, and Jody immediately saw that his wife was having a hard time because she didn't want the toys to be dirty, and she also didn't want the bedtime shit-show that was going to happen if the toys were still in the wash.
His initial attempt to help his wife fell flat, and she angrily said: "Don't talk to me like a child!". He regrouped, and the phrase he used to defuse the situation deeply touched m…
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224: How to heal your Mom Rage
23 september 2024 · 1 uur 8 min
Understanding & Overcoming Mom Rage Lees meer
There are several books available on mom rage by now. They tend to follow a predictable formula: a journalist interviews a bunch of parents and makes sweeping pronouncements about how anger-inducing it is to be a Mom, interspersed with anecdotes about terrible things they’ve said and done to their children.
They usually end with a call for free childcare, universal parental leave, and more support for Moms’ mental health. (Yes to all of those things, obviously.)
There are far fewer books that try to make connections between our experiences and why it’s happening, and that actually make practical suggestions for concrete practices we can try to cope with our rage more effectively right now - along with a sense of hope that we could actually make these policy changes happen in our lifetimes.
Minna Dubin’s book Mom Rage (which I found out about because our local Berkeley newspaper covered both of our books when they were published!) does all of those things.
I read it and liked it and started recommending it when relevant topics came up on coaching calls in the Parenting Membership, and parent Katie fell in love with it.
Katie didn’t even think the term ‘mom rage’ applied to her - but when she read the descriptions of raging moms, she found herself (mentally) shouting: “YES! That’s ME!”.
I’m so grateful that both Minna and Katie could join me for this deep conversation on where Mom Rage comes from, and what we can do about it.
We’ll do some shame-busting work together so you can know that you aren’t alone in experiencing rage, and that you don’t have to be alone in addressing it either.
If you experience Mom Rage and know you need help, I’d love to see you in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.
Here’s what previous participants have said about doing this work with me:
Now I have a plan and support structure, and I've learned really helpful tools to change the way I talk with my children in these difficult moments. - M.M.
…
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Q&A#6: Am I damaging my child?
16 september 2024 · 1 uur 2 min
Today's episode comes from listener who submitted an emotional voicemail on the Ask Jen a Question button on the Your Parenting Mojo homepage, which boils down to: Lees meer
Am I damaging my child?
The messages you can leave are limited to two minutes in length, so we get just a taste of what the parent is struggling with: a difficult relationship with their neurodivergent son, because he triggers the parent and then the parent feels triggered again by the guilt and shame that some of the challenges the son is facing might be the parent's fault.
In this episode I walk though neuropsychologist R. Douglas Fields' LIFEMORTS framework of rage triggers - because if we understand the kinds of things that trigger us, we can avoid some of those triggers entirely and then see the rest of them coming and resource ourselves before they arrive.
I link these rage triggers with broader social issues that we may be carrying in the backs of our minds without even realizing it, and the energy it takes to constantly manage our thoughts about these issues is energy we don't have to spend meeting our children's needs - or our needs.
I also offer a set of three steps you can use to help you navigate triggering situations with your children more effectively.
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Other episodes mentioned:
207: How to not be a permissive parent
224: How to heal your Mom Rage (coming up)
Jump to highlights
00:58 Introducing today’s topic
01:17 Listener recorde…
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223: What, Why, and How to Parent Beyond Power
6 september 2024 · 58 min
What to Do When Parenting Tools Don’t Work? Lees meer
I know that when you start using new parenting tools, things don't always go according to plan. Your kids don't say what you think they will, or maybe you perceive that their behavior is just kind of crappy, or maybe your partner isn't on board with your ideas.
In this episode I address what to do about all of these challenges, as well as how to use the tools I work with to address difficult topics like children wanting ever more snack foods, ever more screen time, and refusing to go to school.
We hear from parents who have managed to address tricky challenges - including a child with a skin condition who must take a bath daily and who was successfully extending the dinner/running around/reading books process until bedtime was delayed as well. Once the child's parents came to see what needs the child was trying to meet, bath time suddenly wasn't a problem anymore.
I share some realizations that parents have had about their place in the world as they've engaged with my work and how I plan to shift the ways I talk about these issues moving forward.
I also invite you to celebrate with my book Parenting Beyond Power's first birthday by baking (or buying) some cupcakes! One of many parents' favorite ideas in the book was the feelings and needs cupcakes, which makes it easy to visualize your most common feelings and needs.
We've made some flags you can print and use with your children to identify your (and their) feelings and needs. Share them on social media and be invited to a group coaching call with me later in September, and stick them to the fridge as a reminder of how to connect with your kids - and yourself!
Finally, a couple of invitations. The Right From The Start course, which I run with Hannah and Kelty of Upbringing, is now available whenever you need it (rather than waiting for the next cohort to begin. If you're expecting a baby or have a child under the age of one, Right From The Start will help you to ge…
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222: How to cultivate Menstrual Cycle Awareness with The Red School
26 augustus 2024 · 1 uur 3 min
Understanding Menstrual Cycle Awareness Lees meer
This episode was...unplanned. :-) A couple of months ago I interviewed Dr. Louise Newson on the topic of menopause. Dr. Newson is a medical doctor and focused very heavily on Hormone Replacement Therapy as a treatment that everyone who menstruates should at least consider, and I knew I wanted to do an episode with someone who doesn't hold that belief as well.
I found Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer of The Red School, and really appreciated their book Wise Power. As I usually do before recording an interview I read their other co-authored book Wild Power, and I realized there was a 'missing' episode on the topic of Menstrual Cycle Awareness. We can't really talk about being aware of the changes that are happening to our bodies during menopause if we don't know what has happened to our bodies throughout our menstruating years.
When I read Wild Power I felt a deep sense of sadness that I was just discovering this now, as my own years of menstruation wind down - but also a deep sense of hope that I can help Carys develop a much closer relationship with her own body than I had with mine.
We'll answer questions like:
What phases does my body go through each month?
How can I start becoming more aware of these phases through Menstrual Cycle Awareness?
How can I align my activities with my energy levels, creativity, and arousal - even in the real world, which wants me to go-go-go all the time?
How is my inner critic aligned with my cycle, and how can I use its knowledge to help me?
How can I navigate Menstrual Cycle Awareness if I've had a difficult relationship with my periods and with fertility?
I'd encourage you to listen to this episode if:
You menstruate and want to better understand how menstruation affects your life
You're raising a child who will menstruate and want to prepare them to feel 'at home' in their bodies
You love someone who menstruates and want to be better attuned to them
You're raising a ch…
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221: How to advocate for the schools our children deserve with Allyson Criner Brown & Cassie Gardener Manjikian
19 augustus 2024 · 1 uur 16 min
How to advocate for the schools our children deserve Lees meer
How comfortable do you feel speaking up about something your child’s school needs?
Have you noticed that some parents seem to feel more comfortable speaking up than others?
Have you ever noticed that sometimes rules and policies in school don’t seem to be applied evenly to all students, while squeaky wheels who raise issues that concern them and their children tend to get addressed?
If you have, and you’d like to understand more about what you’re seeing and know what to do about it, then this episode is for you.
My guest for this episode is Allyson Criner Brown, an award-winning equity practitioner, trainer, and scholar who has worked at the intersections of pre-K-12 education, family, and community engagement, environmental justice, and local government.
I also have a co-interviewer joining me, parent Cassie Gardener Manjikian, who asked for this episode after she noticed that the everyday actions she was seeing in her school weren’t matching up with the school’s (and district’s) own goals and plans.
In the episode, we answer questions like:
What are the valuable ways that parents contribute to their children’s learning, even if they never volunteer in the classroom?
What kinds of social challenges happen in schools, and how do these affect our kids?
How can I advocate for changes if the Principal doesn’t seem interested?
What kinds of tools can we use with teachers and parents if people are on board with doing things differently but just don’t know what to do or how to do it?
If I’m the kind of parent who is never going to join the PTA, what role can I play?
We all have an important role to play in creating the schools our children deserve - this episode will help you to find yours.
Books mentioned in this episode (affiliate links)
Engagement for Equitable Outcomes,by Allyson Criner Brown
Social Change Now: A Guide for Reflection and Connection, by Deepa Iyer
Ready to Support Your Child's Natur…
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220: Nutritious movement for your child – and you!
12 augustus 2024 · 1 uur 4 min
Why Movement Matters More Than Exercise for Kids Lees meer
A few months ago my daughter had a routine checkup at the doctor, who asked how much screen time she gets in a day (which is more than typical recommendations but way less time than children spend sitting in school).
The doctor told her (but really she told me): “You should get more exercise.”
Carys isn’t a team sports kind of person. She doesn’t love hiking, and she only really likes biking when friends are with us.
Something about the ‘get more exercise’ advice didn’t sit quite right with me, but I couldn’t put my finger on why.
Then I found Katy Bowman’s work and suddenly it all made sense.
Katy points out that movement and exercise are not the same thing.
Even if we aren’t getting enough exercise, what we need far more than exercise is movement.
In this episode, we discuss questions like:
What, exactly, is movement?
What does it mean for our children to move…and how about us?
How do we get more of it when our days are already so full? (I knowIthought that, but I’ve found ways to incorporate a daily stretching routine without taking any time away from anything else I do. We discuss how in the episode!)
What children learn through movement
Our children learn through movement.
Yes, they learn how to move.
They also learn what our society thinks about movement, which is likely to set them up for a lifetime of not-moving, unless we support them in doing things differently.
Finally, they come to understand their bodies better when they move. They learn how their body signals ‘this feels great’ and ‘this doesn’t feel right.’ They learn to interact with physical things: Dr. Roger Kneebone (no joke!) at Imperial College London has observed that medical students have seemed less comfortable doing delicate tasks with their hands since smartphones became popular.
In other words, they learn to trust themselves.
We have a whole module on Full-Bodied Learning in the Learning Membership where we come to underst…
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219: The skills your child will need in the age of AI
5 augustus 2024 · 1 uur
What your child is learning in school isn’t enough Lees meer
The things your child is learning in school are not the things that are most likely to lead to their success in the future.
Who could have predicted the shifts we’ve seen since Chat GPT-3 was released to the public in November 2022?
While AI still has its bugs, it won’t be long before these bugs are squashed.
We’re going to be using more and more technology in our lives - and our children are going to need different skills to navigate it than we’ve used in our careers.
The 56 foundational skills for future success
A report from consulting firm McKinsey’s research arm described 56 foundational skills that will help people thrive in the future of work.
Eleven of these skills are related to digital fluency and citizenship, software use and development, and understanding digital systems.
The other 44 skills have nothing to do with digital knowledge or capabilities.
These skills (and how to help your child learn them) are the topic of this episode.
There's a key topic that's missing from these skills: content knowledge.
The McKinsey researchers are assuming that we can quickly learn what we need to know - or that we actually don’t need to learn very much content, because our new AI tools will do that for us (as soon as they stop making up legal cases).
But children spend 90+% of their time in school…learning content. How are they going to get the rest of the skills they’ll need? Well, they’re going to get them from you…or not at all.
Not sure how you’re going to make this happen?
Need help?
Ready to Support Your Child's Natural Learning
Whether this episode has you considering unschooling, reinforced your commitment to traditional schooling, or left you somewhere in between, one thing is clear: every child deserves to have their natural curiosity and love of learning nurtured.
The challenge for parents isn't choosing the "right" educational path, but knowing how to support meaningful learning wherever y…
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Episode Summary 01: Building a better relationship with screen time
31 juli 2024 · 12 min
Thanks to those of you who completed the recent survey on how I can serve you better, some changes are coming to the YPM world! While most respondents said they loved the length of the episodes because they appreciate how much detail we can get into in that time, a number of people said they had trouble finding the time to listen to longer episodes, as well as share them with others. Lees meer
Our long episodes aren’t going anywhere; I love being able to truly understand an issue and have deep conversations with experts. But I hear you that it can be hard to find an hour to listen! That’s why I’m going to start creating summary episodes. This first one summarizes the last two episodes on the topic of video games - both the conversation with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin, and my narrated episode on what children learn from video games.
You’ll get my take-home ideas from both episodes in less than 12 minutes! If you’re starting to see the deep learning that children are doing while they’re playing video games and want to support them in having more of these kinds of experiences…but without using screens all the time, the Learning Membership will help you.
The membership helps you to support your child’s intrinsic love of learning, while also equipping them with the skills they’ll need to succeed in the age of AI.
You’ll learn how to see and follow your child’s interests so you can support them in deep inquiries. You won’t have to drag them through it like you would a workbook or a curriculum (so no need to reward them with screen time!) because they will WANT to learn. They’ll be excited to do it, and they’ll bring you along for the ride.
Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity?
While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.
The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher m…
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218: What children learn from video games
29 juli 2024 · 57 min
How Video Games Shape Learning and Children’s Development Lees meer
Last week, parent Nicole and I talked with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin about the challenges we can have when our kids love video games.
I had also hoped to ask Ash a lot of questions about what children learn from video games but we completely ran out of time, so I spent a fun day reading 10 books on the topic at the University of New Mexico library (non-students can’t check out books!).
I wanted to know a lot more about:
Why do children find video games so attractive? And can we use that information to make the transitions away from screen time easier - as well as support their off-screen learning?
Even if video games don’t lead children to violence, are they picking up ideas that aren’t aligned with our values?
What useful skills are our children learning from video games, and how is this different from school-based learning?
Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity?
While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.
The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.
When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today's world.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
00:45 Introduction to today’s episode
04:13 Children are drawn to video games because they fulfill their needs for independence, skill-building, and connection.
13:00 Children learn about gender roles and social behaviors from video games, which reflect societal misogyny and violence.
28:55 Video games foster active learning throu…
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217: How to end the video game struggles
22 juli 2024 · 1 uur 12 min
Why Video Games Aren't as Harmful as You Think for Kids Lees meer
Video games can be tough.
Our kids enjoy them so much…but can’t tear their eyes away from them when time’s up without a meltdown.
Some games, like Fortnite and Roblox, can be really violent, and aren’t our kids learning bad messages when they play?
Plus even if they aren’t playing something violent, they aren’t really learning anything beneficial, right?
In this episode with @TheGamerEducator Ash Brandin and co-interviewer parent Nicole, we talk about common struggles parents have with kids who are playing games, including:
How to address dysregulation at the end of screen time
How to ‘scaffold’ the child’s ability to manage their own screen time
The links between screen time and intrinsic motivation
Why we can feel OK using screen time to give ourselves a break
How to model appropriate screen time use in front of our children
Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity?
While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.
The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.
When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today's world.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
01:50 Introducing the topic and guests for this episode
03:17 Moderate video game use generally has neutral or positive effects, contrary to earlier studies linking it to aggression.
07:02 Many studies linking video games to aggression overlook confounding factors like socioeconomic status, trauma, and family dynamics.
10:27 Resear…
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216: Am I in Perimenopause? with Dr. Louise Newson
15 juli 2024 · 1 uur 2 min
How do I know if I'm perimenopausal? Lees meer
A few months ago a member in the Parenting Membership shared a whole bunch of symptoms she'd had, from fatigue to rage to dry eyes. She'd been on a four year journey to figure out what was going on before finding out that she was in perimenopause, and wanted to save other members from the same experience she'd had.
That sparked a huge discussion in the community, with other members wondering whether the symptoms they were experiencing were also related to menopause - and whether this was going to be yet another thing they were going to have to educate their doctors about to get appropriate treatment.
In this episode we answer questions about:
What roles do hormones like estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone play in our bodies?
What is menopause, and what is perimenopause?
What are some of the most common symptoms of perimenopause? (Hint - it isn't hot flashes)
What are the benefits of Hormone Replacement Therapy, and who should consider it?
Is HRT dangerous?
What impacts does culture have on the experience of menopause?
In our next episode on this topic we'll look at a non-medical, holistic approach to menopause.
Dr. Newson’s books
Preparing for the perimenopause and menopauseMenopause: All you need to know in one concise manualThe Definitive Guide to the Perimenopause and Menopause
Jump to Highlights
01:26 Introducing the topic and featured guest for this episode
03:48 Hormones play a crucial role in menstruation.
08:28 Dr. Newson explores the definitions and challenges of menopause and perimenopause, emphasizing the wide-ranging symptoms and long-term health implications associated with hormonal changes.
12:10 Dr. Newson discusses recognizing perimenopause symptoms amid busy lifestyles and the importance of early awareness, regardless of age variability in menopausal onset.
16:05 Dr. Newson explains how hormonal birth control can obscure natural hormone patterns, potentially leading to misunderstood sympto…
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215: Why will no-one play with me?
1 juli 2024 · 1 uur 14 min
Discover insights on why no one will play with your child and explore effective strategies for building social skills in children Lees meer
Does your child have big emotional blow-ups in social situations?
Are they a wallflower who doesn't know how to make friends?
Do they struggle to understand when it's appropriate to interrupt, tell the truth, and follow the rules vs. let things go.
I've been interested in neurodivergence for a while - I'm hoping to do an episode soon on parenting with ADHD, and in the course of research for that a parent in the Parenting Membership recommended the book Why Will No-One Play With Me.
The book is designed to help parents teach their children social skills - and I do think it has some useful ideas in it, but there are some pretty big caveats.
This episode takes a look at the broader set of research on teaching children social skills to ask whether we CAN do it, and if we can, whether we SHOULD do it, and if we should, what kinds of tools should we use? The popular Social Stories method? Role plays? Peer coaching?
This episode answers questions like:
What types of teaching are likely to be beneficial?
How can we teach social skills to Autistic children and children with ADHD, as well as neurotypical children?
What are the potential later-life impacts of lagging social skills (and do what we miss when we look at it from this perspective)?
At what age range is teaching social skills is most likely to succeed?
How can we knowwhetherwe should teach a child social skills?
Other episodes mentioned:
175: I’ll be me; can you be you?
075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?
061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?
Jump to highlights:
00:52 Introducing the topic for this episode
02:59 Social skills programs show small, temporary effects and are more effective when led by experts, with mixed results for neurodivergent children.
09:38 Programs to teach social skills often try to change how neurodivergent kids act and t…
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214: Ask Alvin Anything: Part 2
27 mei 2024 · 1 uur 6 min
Exploring Marriage, Autism, Race, and Parenting Together Lees meer
Want to know how my autism self-diagnosis has affected my relationship with my husband? (I will apologize to autistic listeners here as an ableist perspective is still something we're working on, and he also uses some outdated terminology probably from an old book he's started twice - but not yet finished - on supporting partners with Asperger's Syndrome.)
Curious about whether he identifies as Filipino-American... or not? And how his perspective on race differs from mine?
Want to hear how he sent a chicken up into space...and then found out what the two pink lines of a pregnancy test mean?
Last year, when we were coming up on our 200th podcast episode, I asked my husband, Alvin, if he would be willing to record a podcast episode. I had envisioned listeners asking the questions and him answering - but he wanted me to join as well!
One of the first things we learned was that Alvin cannot be succinct. (Well, technically speaking, this was not a new lesson for me - and interviewer Iris had tried really hard to prepare him for succinctness by asking for his 'elevator pitch' - but he just couldn't do it!)
So we ended up cutting the episode when it was already over an hour, and we hadn't covered half of the questions listeners had submitted...and interviewers Iris and Corrine graciously agreed to return for a Part 2. So here it is!
Other episodes mentioned
175: I’ll be me; can you be you?
200: Ask Alvin Anything (Part 1!)
Jump to highlights
01:22 Introducing this episode
04:28 Alvin talks about how Jen's autism diagnosis helps their relationship, while Jen shares how it helps in their daily life and parenting.
12:47 Alvin and Jen talk about how they decided to become parents.
25:10 Alvin discusses his upbringing in a predominantly White area, his evolving awareness of his Filipino heritage, and how his wife Jen's advocacy work has shaped his understanding of race and culture.
38:13 Alvin talks about …
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213: How to stop using power over your child (and still get things done)
13 mei 2024 · 1 uur 2 min
Ditch Punishments and Rewards for Respectful Parenting Lees meer
Do you hate punishing (with Time Outs, withdrawing privileges, or even yelling at) your child?
Do you feel guilty after you punish them, wishing there was a way to just get them to listen?
And do bribes ("If you brush your teeth now, you can have 5 minutes of screen time...") feel just as awful?
But what other choice do you have? Your kids don't listen now, so how could not rewarding and punishing them possibly help?
That's what parent Dr. Houri Parsi thought when I first met her. (Houri's doctorate is in clinical psychology, focused on behaviorist-based reward and punishment systems.) She wasn't ready to believe that abandoning the tools she'd been trained in would create a better outcome, when she measured her success as a parent by whether she got immediate compliance from her children.
She ended up not completely abandoning these tools - because they still fit within her vision and values for her family (her vision is a bit different from mine, which is OK! The important thing is that she is living in alignment with her values!).
But Houri's relationship with her children is profoundly different today than it was a couple of years ago. Her children have deep insight into their feelings and needs, and most of the time they're able to find ways to meet all of their needs. She no longer uses her power over them to get their immediate compliance - and that doesn't mean she gets walked all over either.
Houri sees that this approach has built a deep reservoir of trust in their relationship - but occasionally a parent will slip, and will force the children to do something they aren't ready for. When you hear Houri describe how her daughter punished her husband for forcing an injection before she was ready, you might never look at your own child's misbehavior the same way again.
You'll even find a new way to approach the age-old struggle of tooth brushing in this conversation that gets Houri's childrens' t…
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212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see in your family
6 mei 2024 · 1 uur 1 min
Sustainable Family Change: Parenting Framework for Lasting Results Lees meer
Here's a little thought exercise: think back to what you were doing this time last year, right around Mother's Day (in the U.S...I know it has already passed in other places!).
What kinds of things were your children doing that were really endearing?
What kinds of things were they doing that drove you up the wall?
What kinds of fights (resistance, back-talk, stalling, tantrums, etc.) were you having with them a year ago?
Are you still having those same fights now (or variations on them)?
Do you wish you weren't still having those fights? That you could get out of the endless cycle of trying an idea you saw on Instagram, seeing a small change, and backsliding to where you were before?
Do you have all the tools you need so that a year from now you can look back and know, without any shadow of a doubt, that things are different now?
Today I'm going to introduce you to several parents who have made exactly this shift, and a framework you can use to make it for yourself.
It's not complicated. There are only five elements to it, and when they're all in place you can make sustainable change in parenting, as well as your own personal issues, work, and anything else you like.
It really is very possible to make sustainable family change in parenting happen by yourself. But all of the five elements have to be in place, and operating consistently, to make it work.
Losing focus on each one of the elements creates a different outcome, none of which are good:
Confusion
Anxiety
Making slow progress
Frustration
Being on a treadmill
If you can see already that one or more of these things are happening for you, the Parenting Membership will help you make the kind of sustainable change you want to see in your family.
The first thing you'll do after you join is have a 20-minute private call with my community manager, Denise, who will see which element you're struggling with the most right now, and conn…
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211: How to raise a child who doesn’t experience shame
29 april 2024 · 1 uur 19 min
Are there parts of yourself that you don't share with other people? Lees meer
Things that you think: "If people knew that about me, they wouldn't love me / they'd think I'm a terrible person / they wouldn't even want to be around me"?
When you mess up, does it seem like it's not that you did a silly/bad thing, but that you are a stupid/bad person?
If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you're experiencing shame.
Almost all of the parents I work with are ashamed of some aspect of themselves...but not Dee.
That's not to say that Dee never struggles - far from it. But her struggles seem to feel more manageable to her, and she has a sense of 'right'-ness about her.
If Dee recognizes that she has a need, it never occurs to her to not ask for help from others in getting that need met.
How did this happen? What implications does it have for how we can raise our children so they don't experience shame?
In this episode, Dee shares her story and her top three ideas for raising children in a shame-free environment with us.
If you realize that shame has been a huge part of your childhood (and even adulthood) and you're ready for help healing that so you can be the kind of parent you want to be, I do hope you'll join me (and Dee!) in the Parenting Membership.
We don't just learn how to make parenting easier (although that is a big focus!). We also work to heal ourselves so we can show up as whole people in our own lives.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Other episodes mentioned:
209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner
212: How to make the sustainable change you want to see
Jump to highlights
00:59 Introducing today’s topic and featured guest
6:31 Dee talks about her life, interests, and journey as a parent, including travel, family, and retirement plans.
09:24 Dee reflects on her supportive mom, who embraced their behavior as expressions of needs and valued their personalities.
12:39 Dee ref…
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210: The power of learning in community
22 april 2024 · 1 uur 13 min
Do you have a core group of parent friends who are always there for you? Friends who might not be 100% aligned with your parenting philosophy, but they're close enough that you know that when they do offer suggestions you would at least consider doing them? Lees meer
And on the days when you just want to just vent and not hear any advice at all, you know that it'll be totally fine for you to vent. They won't take offense and they'll just empathize and reassure you that you aren't a terrible parent; you're a great parent having a difficult day - because they've seen you on your good days as well.
In this episode I'll introduce you to SIX parents who have just this kind of relationship. Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, and Kati live in the eastern United States and Jody is Australia, and they meet once a week on Zoom for 40 minutes, and each of them talks for just five minutes...and in that time, they've become incredibly close friends. The relationships they have with each other are among the deepest and most profound ones in their lives.
If you need a supportive community like this in your life then I'd love to see you in the Parenting Membership, which is where Katherine, Rachel, Beth, Peju, Kati, and Jody met.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Jump to highlights:
01:43 Introducing today’s episode
03:19 The Parenting Membership features ACTion groups that meet weekly, offering valuable support and insights into effective parenting strategies.
04:50 The ACTion Group is about parents coming together weekly to share their parenting progress, challenges, and goals in a supportive and accountable environment.
19:21 The ACTion Group's collaborative problem-solving and support for parent Rachel's challenge with her son were showcased, emphasizing a collective effort in addressing parenting difficulties.
26:54 The ACTion Group supports Beth in addressing her holiday break challenge and need for rest, fostering solutions and self-awa…
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209: How to get on the same page as your parenting partner
15 april 2024 · 49 min
Do you ever fight with your partner? Lees meer
Do you ever fight with your partner about parenting?
(Pretty much all of the couples I work with do both of those things.)
And these arguments tend to follow a pretty well-defined formula:
Child misbehaves.
Parent A gets overwhelmed,criticizesthe child and snaps at Partner B for not doing more to help.
Parent B and says that clearly Parent A's 'better parenting approach' isn't working, since the kids are still misbehaving - this iscontempt.
Parent A knows they don't want to parent the way they were raised, and also knows they aren't doing things totally in alignment with their values right now. Parent A has done a lot of work to try to heal themselves, but worries that it isn't happening fast enough to protect their children. And isn't it better than the bribing and punishing that Parent B is doing? They're beingdefensive.
Parent Bstonewalls- they are overwhelmed and shuts down, refusing to talk about the issue.
Both partners walk away feeling frustrated, wonder how on earth it got to this point, and feel hopeless that it will ever improve.
If your fights look like this, I'm here to let you know that there is hope!
Last year I did Levels 1 and 2 (of 3 levels) of Gottman Method training. The Gottman Method is basically the only evidence-based framework for couple's therapy.
Drs. John & Julie Gottman describe the main ways they see couples struggle in their communication, and named them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - you saw all of them in the example above.
How many of the Horsemen show up in your fights?
(Criticism is almost always the first Horseman to arrive. Interrupt that, and you can communicate in entirely different ways.)
If you wish there was a better way to communicate about these challenging issues with your partner so you could actually get on the same page and parent as a team, today's episode will show you how to do that.
You'll see a couple, Dee and Jono, who usually walk away from each other…
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208: Three reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them)
8 april 2024 · 52 min
Do you ever wish that you know the appropriate logical consequence to give your child (aged 1-10) for each different kind of misbehavior you see? Lees meer
When your toddler empties the water out of the dog's bowl for the 10th time today...
When your preschooler climbs on the table three minutes after you told them to get off it...
When your kindergartener refuses to come to the table for dinner (and you know they're going to announce they're hungry in an hour)...
When your elementary schooler won't get dressed in the morning (even though you know they are FULLY CAPABLE of doing it themselves) without 300 increasingly nagging, pleading, and begging 'reminders' from you...
Wouldn't it be amazing to have the PERFECT logical consequence ready that would be appropriately proportioned to the misbehavior, and also just get your child to do the thing you're asking without you having to ask again???
But here's the thing about logical consequences: they essentially say to our child: "I don't care why you don't want to do this thing; I just want you to do it."
If we saw one adult saying that to another adult, we would call it 'emotional abuse.'
So why do we do it to our children?
Because it seems like we don't have another option to get through the day.
We actually have many other options; it's just hard to remember them all and which one to use in which circumstance.
In today's episode, I'll tell you the three main reasons why setting limits is hard (and what to do about each of them).
And if you want my complete framework for how to navigate misbehavior, with ALL FIVE of the tools we can use and guidelines on exactly WHEN to use each of them, sign up for the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop.
Click the banner to learn more.
Other episodes mentioned:
182: How to get frustrating behaviors to stop
193: You don't have to believe everything you think
200: Ask Alvin Anything Part 1
Jump to highlights:
00:52 Introducing today’s topic
02:32 Invitation to join…
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207: How to not be a permissive parent
1 april 2024 · 1 uur 11 min
Sometimes when listeners write to me, fun things happen! 🤪 Lees meer
Listener Diana replied to a recent email because she had listened to quite a lot of my episodes (although more of the earlier ones than the recent ones) and she was generally on board with my approach.
But she was having a hard time! Despite doing a lot of things for her children, and trying to remain calm and 'unruffled' and show that she loves them unconditionally, but as pretty often when she asked them to do something they sometimes scream at her for offering to help, they attempt to boss her around, and they're inflexible and rude.
So what's going on here?
Have we (finally) met children for whom my approach simply does not work?
Of course, as soon as I received Diana's email I wanted to talk with her. She gamely agreed to come on the podcast, although she did want to protect her privacy so there's no video for this episode.
We talked through the kinds of situations she often finds herself in, and some of the reasons why her daughter, in particular, might be acting this way. It turned out that in her indecision, Diana was drifting into permissive parenting, which meant that her children didn't know her needs - because Diana didn't know her own needs.
We identified quite a few practical things she could try to consider both her own and her children's needs, and there's also a message in the episode that Diana sent me a week after we talked, sharing how things were going.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
Do you have a child aged 1 - 10? Are they resisting, ignoring you, and talking back at every request you make? Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with them? Are you desperate for their cooperation - but don't know how to get it? If your children are constantly testing limits, the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop is for you.
Go from constant struggles and nagging to a new sense of calm & collaboration. I will teach you how to set limits, but we'll also go waaaa…
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206: How to find yourself as a parent
25 maart 2024 · 1 uur 22 min
It can be really hard to see what's happening in our struggles with our children. They refuse to go to bed at bedtime; we're at home alone all day with a baby who doesn't like being put down, and our older child who is now being aggressive, and there's no time for us to even take a shower, and maybe it seems like everyone around us is judging our parenting choices. Lees meer
In this very different episode you're going to hear from parents who are in exactly these kinds of situations, and who joined me for a group coaching call to talk through them. We worked through a role play with one parent, Meagan, and then we saw how the same process could apply to lots of other different kinds of situations.
Several of the parents who joined the call were kind enough to record messages after the call letting me know how the experience was for them, and with their permission I've included these recordings in the episode as well.
So if you're struggling to find your groove as a parent; if you're struggling to find yourself, this episode will help.
Parenting Membership
If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out.
The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now!
Other episode mentioned:
181: Why 'giving choices' doesn't work--and what to do instead
Jump to highlights
01:26 Introducing today’s topic
02:11 Jen talks about hosting a group coaching call for Your Parenting Mojo Facebook group members, challenging misconceptions about coaching benefits.
03:26 Participants, like Parent Kendra, express feeling connected with others and finding solace in normalizing the challenges of parenting, even in a virtual setting.
07:38 Participants shared their parenting challenges, including ADHD, tantrums, social expe…
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205: How patriarchy hurts us…all of us
11 maart 2024 · 59 min
I have to admit, I’m a bit scared to say it… Lees meer
The P-word…
“Patriarchy.”(Phew! I did it!)I know some listeners find it hard to hear.
I’ve spoken with more than one woman who has told me: “I sent your podcast to my husband but then he heard the word “Patriarchy” and it was all over.
There’s some sadness there for me, for sure.
Every time I talk about patriarchy I talk about how much it hurts me and those of us who identify as women – but I also talk about how much it hurts men as well. And that’s not just lip service: I truly believe that patriarchy has robbed men of a full emotional life.
I was talking with a parent in the Parenting Membership recently who asked her husband if he ever felt truly seen and understood. He said ‘no,’ and ended the conversation. She cried as she told me: “I feel so sad for him that he doesn’t know that he could be seen and understood, so he doesn’t even realize he’s missing it.”
We can know these things conceptually, and we can think that patriarchy kind of sucks, but maybe we think there’s not a lot we can do about it. After all, isn’t the man the one who really needs to change?
Member Iris and I had had a conversation in the membership a couple of months before I was in Vancouver for the Parenting Beyond Power book tour, where she mentioned that she’d been thinking a lot about how patriarchy shows up in her life. We made plans to get together to record an episode while I was in town – and here it is!
Iris and I discuss:
The power and control that men held over women and girls as she grew up in the Philippines, including casting out female family members with out-of-wedlock pregnancies, while nothing happened to the men who got them pregnant (and lest we think this couldn't possibly happen where we live, men have very real power over women's pregnancies in the United States as well right now too...)
How she sees herself catering to her husband’s needs - adjusting her daily schedule to his; eating what he wanted for dinner even…
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204: How to create more time by taking care of yourself
19 februari 2024 · 46 min
Sara has always tried really hard to not just be a good parent, but a really good parent. The best parent. (When I coached her and her partner recently to create some content for the Parenting Membership that you'll hear more about in a few weeks, her partner said to her: You hold everyone else to a high standard. You hold yourself to a higher standard.) Lees meer
Sara put a lot of pressure on herself, and this was even harder because she she didn't have the most amazing parental role models. They often fought in front of Sara and her sibling (with insults and name calling a regular part of the mix), and they didn't repair afterward.
The difficult communication between parents extended to the children as well - Sara started to fight back when she was spanked, which escalated to physical fights as she got older. If she tried to talk with her Mom about previous incidents then her Mom would make out that she was the victim, while her Dad would whiz her down to Baskin Robbins for ice cream to win back her love. Sara withdrew, stopped sharing anything with her parents and isolated herself in her room - devouring books and the all the things on the early days of the internet.
So when she became a parent, it's not surprising she felt triggered! Conflict abounded! Conflict with her partner, and with her children - she knew how she WANTED to navigate it (in a way that modeled healthy conflict for her children), but how could she do that when she had no idea how?
We talk about conflict in this episode, and we also talk about needs. It turns out that Sara had needs (who knew!) and when she started to identify and meet them, the magic happened.
Spending time doing things for herself, to meet her need for creativity, created time to spend with her husband and children.
She realized she had been trying to do a lot of multitasking to try to fit everything in, but never spent time doing things she truly loved. Once she did, the background noise of that unmet need went quiet in her min…
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203: How to move toward anti-racism with Kerry Cavers
12 februari 2024 · 59 min
Last year I hosted a panel event in Vancouver where four people who have been active in helping us to navigate toward an anti-racist, post-patriarchal, post-capitalist future came together to share their ideas in front of a live audience. Lees meer
It was a beautiful event (eventually we'll process the video of it to share with you!), and I really hit it off with Moms Against Racism Canada founder Kerry Cavers so we got together afterward to chat.
This is a much more personal episode than many. I actually didn't know it was going to be an episode beforehand - I thought we were going to record something that would be mostly for Kerry to use to explain her work to potential funders. But when I realized what gold we had, I decided to release the video as an episode.
I did realize that we were lacking in some specific take-home messages for listeners, so I asked whether Kerry would be willing to share some ideas for ways to take action on anti-racism with us. She has a lot going on at the moment so she wasn't able to record something for us, but she did put together a VERY comprehensive list of actions that I recorded at the end of the episode.
I've also created a PDF of her ideas that you can print and refer back to more easily - click the button below to download it.
Enjoy the conversation!
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
00:53 Introducing this episode’s topic and guest
03:31 Kerry's insights into her role within Mom's Against Racis…
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Q&A#5: What really matters in parenting? Part 1
5 februari 2024 · 52 min
Listener Roberta submitted a question recently on YourParentingMojo.com/question: Lees meer
What does the research say are the decisions that really matter in parenting?
That question immediately got my brain churning about what could be included, and how we would decide what to include, and how much of what's included could actually be research-based.
The episode begins with a look at some of the major categories of factors that impact our children's development that we may not have as much control over, because we have to acknowledge these before we can look at what we do impact.
Then I look at some of the things we do control but I think we can pretty safely stop worrying about them. The impact that each of these things has is likely to be so tiny as to individually meaningless.
Finally, I count down my list of the top 5 things that I think impact children's development.
This episode is for parents of children aged about 2 onwards. I think infants have some different needs, and I'm planning a separate episode on those later in the year.
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Other episodes/blogs referenced:
014: Understanding the AAP’s new screen time guidelines
052: Grit: The unique factor in your child’s success?
061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?
067: Does the Marshmallow Test tell us anything useful?
068: Do I HAVE to pretend play with my child?
148: Is spanking a child really so bad?
196: How to do right by your child – and everyone…
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202: How to Heal from Adverse Childhood Experiences with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris and Jackie Thu-Huong Wong
29 januari 2024 · 55 min
My mom died when I was 10, and for a while people in our small village would look at my sister and me as if we were 'special' in some weird way. By the time I was a young adult that was just one of a stew of difficult experiences I'd had, and I also realized: my stuff is not special. Lees meer
By that age, most people are carrying around some kind of trauma.
But so what? Does it matter? If our mental health is good enough, does it help to wallow around in all the stuff that's in the past?
In this episode we talk with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, who has pioneered the connections between these kinds of Adverse Childhood Experiences and medical care for children, as well as Jackie Thu-Huong Wong, Executive Director of First 5 California.
We'll learn:
What is an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE);
How ACEs can influence not only our physical but our mental health as well;
What we know about the protective effects of relationships with caring adults
Dr. Burke Harris' opinions of the 'best' authoritative parenting style;
A new feature in our episodes: mild, medium, and spicy options for parents who want to dip their toe into the water on this topic, or dive more deeply.
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Other episode mentioned:
148: Is spanking a child really so bad?
Jump to highlights
01:26 Introducing today’s topic and guests
04:20 Clarifying the concept of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and their origin
06:37 Discussing how Dr. Burke Harris’s r…
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201: How to create a culture of consent in our families
15 januari 2024 · 1 uur 2 min
When Carys was about three, I forced a dropper of antibiotics into her mouth to just get her to take it, so she would start to feel better. We were both tired and hangry and I didn't see another path forward, when she was refusing something that I knew would help her. What other choice did I have? Lees meer
My husband did see another path when he arrived home later that evening, and before she went to bed she willingly took a full dose of the medicine.
These kinds of situations come up often in parenting: where we're trying to get our child to do something, perhaps even for their own health and safety, and they refuse. It can seem like the only path forward is to force them against their will - after all, we are doing this for their own good, right?
But what if there was another way to make these things happen that met your child's needs for autonomy over their own bodies, and also met your needs for peace and ease and harmony and protection of their health and safety?
That's what we'll work through in today's episode. We'll look closely at the way consent is perceived in our culture, and how these messages are transmitted - in school, in peer groups, in movies and songs, and in our families.
I'm also introducing a new element into podcast episodes to help you put the ideas in the episode into practice. At the end of the episode I offer three suggestions for things you could try in your relationship with your own child - organized into mild, medium, and spicy options so you can step in at the level that feels right to you.
Trigger warning: I do discuss sexual assault in this episode. It might not be one you listen to with your children around, and if you have experienced sexual assault, please make sure you're well resourced if you do choose to listen.
Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits
Are there times when your child doesn’t listen?
Do they stall, ignore you, refuse to do the things you ask…and then look you right in the eye while doing the thing you asked them N…
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200: Ask Alvin Anything (Part 1!)
2 januari 2024 · 1 uur 3 min
When I saw that our 200th episode was coming up, I knew I wanted to do something special to celebrate. Listeners called in with questions for me for our 100th episode, which was released in September 2019. The numbering is a bit fuzzy, I have to admit - we're actually well over 200 episodes because there have been an assortment of Sharing Your Parenting Mojo conversations with parents and other folks that use a different numbering system, but whatever. It's still a milestone😊 Lees meer
Back then, I was just getting into exploring big social justice issues on the podcast. Early in 2020 I did two episodes on how patriarchy affects our parenting, followed by an extended series on the intersection of race and parenting, and several episodes on advertising and consumerism.
We learned a lot about sex, and I started what has become a series of 'deconstructed' episodes where I examine an idea that is usually assumed to be 'the way it is,' and find out that perhaps that isn't the way it is after all. I looked at:
How most of what we think we know about attachment theory is probably wrong
Authoritative isn't the best parenting 'style'
The current darling of anyone working on mental health, Polyvagal theory, is most likely a myth (although it may still be a somewhat useful myth)
In June of 2022, in preparation for a pair of episodes on supporting neurodivergent parents and children, I interviewed Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, who is autistic, to test out the autism screener. I wasn't expecting it to return a positive result for me, ultimately resulting in a self-diagnosis that, of course, I shared in an episode. Lots of listeners reached out after that one to offer gratitude, and one message I will carry for a long time said something like: "I always conceptually knew that neurodivergent people have value but it wasn't until I heard how your autism helps you to process all of this information for us that I truly got it."
So given that you've heard a lot from and about me ove…
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199: Digging Deeper into Parenting Beyond Power with Rachel Disney
11 december 2023 · 44 min
Listener Rachel also reached out with some questions, and due to my book tour schedule it took us a little longer to get a call on the calendar, but eventually - on a day in Seattle when I also had a coaching call and two two-hour workshops based on the book - we made it happen. Lees meer
Rachel's questions go deeeep. She wanted to know:
If there are ideas I logically know are the right ones to follow but I still have trouble doing it;
How my parenting is evolving as Carys gets older (her own daughter is a year older than Carys);
Whether I think my view of parenting is possible within the social and political systems in which we currently live.
Parenting Beyond Power
Do you want to change the way you parent and make a positive impact on your family and the world?
Parenting Beyond Power is your key to unlocking this transformative path.
Embrace a fresh parenting approach, nurturing collaborative and harmonious connections with your children, all while contributing to a more inclusive and equitable world for all.
So don't hesitate – start transforming your parenting journey today, and grab your copy of Parenting Beyond Power now to get started! Click the banner to learn more.
Taming Your Triggers
Do you often find yourself caught in the whirlwind of your child's challenging behavior?
Are you seeking ways to foster calm and connection in your parenting journey, even during the most trying moments?
Look no further—Taming Your Triggers will help.
If you:
Often feel triggered by your child’s difficult behavior…
Want to find out how to get your child to stop doing the thing that drives you up the wall
Know you want to respond calmly to your child but can’t seem to do it in the moment…
Want to parent with love and connection even on the most stressful days
Feel like gentle parenting techniques won’t ‘work’ with your child
Then Taming Your Triggers is for you.
This workshop will empower you with the tools, insights, and support to navigate the ups and downs of pa…
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198: The connection between your ideas about childhood and politics with Dr. Toby Rollo
27 november 2023 · 58 min
A couple of years ago I was watching a session of the Alliance for Self-Directed Education's online conference by unschooling advocate Idzie Desmerais. At some point she dropped a quote into her presentation that I jotted down but didn't think much of at the time: Lees meer
What if your ideas about politics were just your ideas about childhood, extrapolated?
I returned to my notes some months later, having spent much of that time immersed in writing the first draft of the book, the quote almost took my breath away. There, right in front of me, was a single sentence that encapsulated so much of what I'd been thinking and writing about.
On the surface, it may seem as though these topics are completely unrelated but they are actually intimately connected.
We use politics set up systems that support the culture we want to live in.
We create systems that make it harder to vote because we don't think everyone should be able to vote - especially if you aren't White, male, or at least middle class.
We abolish Affirmative Action in college admissions because we think everyone has the same basic chance to succeed, so there's no reason to support some more than others.
Government policies establish the conditions of capitalism - like manipulating interest rates, regulating companies' ability to engage in certain business practices, and offering tax cuts for activities we collectively think are good, which ends up transferring wealth from people with less money who rent, to people with more money who buy homes.
And we shape them to try to ensure their success in these systems.
If we believe that people should basically take care of themselves rather than relying on support from others, since we all have equal skills and freedoms, then we're probably going to raise children who do things for themselves without relying on other people.
If we see that boys get punished for 'being soft' and that girls get punished for expressing big ideas (Clementine Ford's Boys Will Be Boys, whic…
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197: What to do about reward and punishment systems at school with Denise Suarez
13 november 2023 · 1 uur 16 min
This is the first in a series of 'back to basics' episodes here on the show, where we'll look at the everyday challenges you're facing as a parent. (Have an idea for an episode? Share it on this thread in our free Facebook group, send us a max 2 minute video of you saying your question, or click here to record an audio message for me...) Lees meer
I'd wanted to do an episode on the use of reward & punishment systems in classrooms for a while, and when I mentioned this to my community manager Denise, she immediately started telling me all about the systems in her children's classrooms. So Denise sent me her questions, and we chatted through the research-based answers in this episode.
To make it easier for you to start a conversation at your school about rewards and punishment systems, I've created a one page 'cheat sheet' for you to share with others. Just click the image below to download it!
Jump to highlights
01:26 Introducing today’s guest and topic
03:16 Denise delves into her decision to opt for public school, specifically the factors that led her to choose the particular school she did over other available options
07:53 Denise shares her experiences related to rewards and punishments prompted her to discuss this episode
14:51 Positive Behavior Intervention and Support (PBIS) is explored, with the discussion touching on concerns about potential humiliation and conflicting principles in behavior management systems
25:50 Behavior issues result from the coercive U.S. education system, where teachers may prioritize quiet classrooms over addressing problems, potentially hindering genuine student learning.
27:14 Ways to foster kids' intrinsic motivation in light of the prevalent use of extrinsic motivation in the classroom are explored
32:22 Self-determination theory and its application in this context is discussed
35:44 Strategies to prevent burnout for children are explored, considering their substantial time in school, with a focus on identifying warning signs o…
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196: How to do right by your child – and everyone else’s with Dr. Elizabeth Cripps
30 oktober 2023 · 57 min
Do you worry about the state of the Earth? Climate change perhaps above all else, but also resource extraction, air pollution, and the injustice that goes along with the ways the impacts of these things are distributed? Lees meer
You're not the only one.
I know not everyone goes this far, but one of the reasons I waited so long to have a baby, almost didn't have a baby, and will only have one child is to reduce my impact on climate change.
We all know we're supposed to fly less, drive less, and eat less meat. But how can those actions ever be enough, when (I read somewhere a long time ago) that there aren't enough resources on the planet for everyone to consume the resources that an unhoused person in the United States uses?
In her new book Parenting on Earth: A Philosopher's Guide to Doing Right by Your Kids - and Everyone Else's (affiliate link), Dr. Elizabeth Cripps walks us through the moral arguments involved in taking action on these issues - as well as the ones we use to justify not taking action.
I really enjoyed this book. There are so many ways it could have gone wrong. Dr. Cripps is a White European philosopher writing about ways we can reduce our environmental impact.
The book could have been dense (ever get lost trying to follow a philosophical argument? 🙋♀️)
It could have been preachy.
It could have been completely tone-deaf, and say that we all bear the same responsibility to make changes.
It doesn't do any of those things.
It's easy to understand, practical, and acknowledges Dr. Cripps' (and many of her readers,' including my own) place in society. This is our responsibility - but also not just our responsibility. We need systemic change at the State, national, and international levels as well.
This book helps you see what you can do by yourself, and also when you combine your efforts with others, which is a lot bigger than the sum of its parts. And that makes it an interesting, hopeful read. (I worked in sustainability consulting for a decade and…
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195: Raising Good Humans Every Day with Hunter Clarke-Fields
16 oktober 2023 · 49 min
Hunter Clarke-Fields is back with us again! She's the author of Raising Good Humans, and now the new book Raising Good Humans Every Day (affiliate links). Lees meer
Why does the world need two books with such similar titles? Are they even different?!
Yes, they are! Raising Good Humans Every Day is small! And short! And the chapters are short! Each one contains just one practice, described in a few pages.
If you've got five minutes you can read a chapter and then put the idea into practice immediately.
Use it, see some success, and get inspired for the next one.
Short, simple, and sweet. Can't beat that!
Hunter Clarke-Fields' books:
Raising Good Humans
Raising Good Humans Every Day (affiliate links)
Jump to Highlights
00:43 Introducing Hunter Clarke-Fields
01:46 Hunter’s reasons for writing a second book with a title so much like their first one
03:29 Why controlling our children and have them control themselves doesn't work effectively
06:54 The need to shift from rewards and punishments to teaching and guiding children in understanding consequences and needs
09:18 The benefits of connection-based parenting
12:58 Reflecting on parenting experiences: gratitude and regrets
16:25 Exploring Hunter’s upbringing as a highly sensitive child
21:47 Navigating parenting a highly sensitive child with insights coming from Hunter’s own experiences
24:39 The importance of being authentic with children and openly sharing challenges as a parent
26:29 Parenting with heartfelt intention and presence
31:01 Embracing the importance of being present with children and practicing mindfulness in a fast-paced society
38:14 Asking for community support to be a better parent
42:24 Embracing a beginner's mind to counter judgment and remain open to possibilities
45:14 Wrapping up
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194: Regulating for the kids…and for your marriage
9 oktober 2023 · 58 min
Do you ever feel triggered by your partner's behavior? Lees meer
(No? Just me? 😬)
Many parents who join the Taming Your Triggers workshop sign up for help navigating their children's behavior...and then once they're inside they confess that their partner's behavior is even more triggering than their child's.
As you might imagine, many of the participants in the Taming Your Triggers workshop are women. (Classic patriarchy at work: caregiving is women's work, and so is managing the emotional climate of the family, so why does a male partner in a cisgender, heterosexual relationship need to bother?)
So I've been especially glad to see that more and more men are taking the workshop - and last time around we also had several couples participating together.
Elizabeth and Marshall are physical therapists who travel and work to pay off their student loan debt. They had a three-year-old, and then became unexpectedly pregnant - with twins!
Both Elizabeth and Marshall had fairly typical middle class childhoods...they had enough with out being rich, but underneath the veneer that 'everything's fine' lurked disconnection from parents, unexpressed anger, and mental illness - as well as the societal messages of getting out of debt and preparing for retirement.
Elizabeth had no idea she had anger issues until she became a parent. Suddenly she felt both anger and shame about her anger, not understanding that the anger was wrapped up in her childhood.
Since Elizabeth and Marshall have organized their entire lives around paying off their student loan debt, it was hard to commit to spending money on not just one but two enrollments in Taming Your Triggers. Up to that point, Elizabeth often felt she was the one doing the work and dragging Marshall along...but he saw how important this was to her, and went all-in alongside her.
They've noticed profound shifts in their capacity to be with their children - as well as with each other.
Elizabeth knows not just in her head but in her body th…
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193: You don’t have to believe everything you think
2 oktober 2023 · 40 min
In this short episode, I'm going to teach you a real, legit, bona fide magic trick. Lees meer
And unlike most magic tricks which rely on sleight of hand to convince you of something that has happened when it really hasn't, this one actually works. It helps you to see that things are not as bad as they seem, and that you can cope, even when things feel incredibly difficult and that you're failing as a parent.
I asked four listeners to help me explain the concept to you, and how it has helped them, and one even went above and beyond and did a live demo for us!
Then I walk you through it step by step, so you can use it when you need it later.
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
00:43 Introducing today’s topic
02:04 Words can influence our perceptions.
04:02 Anne shares three instances where questioning negative thoughts helped in avoiding unnecessary worry and misunderstandings.
09:46 Elizabeth, a Parenting Membership member for two years, highlights how Jen's advice, using the phrase "I am having the thought that...," helped her cope with a challenging parenting situation.
11:54 Melissa used self-compassion and questioning negative thoughts to find self-compassion and regain confidence.
13:11 Melissa highlights the core aspect of the "magic trick" by framing these thoughts as "I'm thinking" rather than absolute truths.
14:46 Jen calls listeners to try a mindful exercise where "I'm thinking that..." is added before self-judgments or j…
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192: What to do with the myth of Polyvagal Theory
18 september 2023 · 1 uur 20 min
Polyvagal Theory is everywhere these days. Lees meer
Psychologists talk about it; parenting coaches talk about it; if you’re in
the mental health field you’re probably referring to polyvagal theory in some way. So one would assume that there’s lots of evidence for it, right? Well, maybe. Maybe not.
In this episode I dig into the foundational principles of Polyvagal Theory and find that there's a lot less evidence supporting it than you might think, given how many places it's used.
So what's going on? Is it legit? Should we be using a different theory to understand our experience instead?
But all may not be lost! Maybe there are aspects of the theory that we can still use...the episode suggests a path forward on this.
Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?
If you want to:
😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,
😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,
😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,
the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.
Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to learn more!
Jump to highlights
01:26 Introduction to this episode
04:05 Three defining principles of the Polyvagal Theory
09:01 The challenges in reconciling PVT’s popularity with the lack of scientific evidence supporting its core premises
21:09 Dr. Stephen Porges' 1995 paper on Polyvagal Theory (PVT) is examined, including references to Charles Darwin's support, removal of a premise, and disagreements with Dr. Paul Grossman
24:35 Dr. Stephen Porges' 2007 paper on Polyvagal Theory introduces four principles about heart regulation and the vagus nerve's role in social engagement behaviors
32:12 Dr. Doody challenges the assumptions behind Polyvagal Theory
36:34 Experts challenge Polyvagal Theory (PVT) by refuting …
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191: Parenting Beyond Power launch celebration
5 september 2023 · 55 min
Parenting Beyond Power is officially available today! Come join a mini-celebration with me in this podcast episode, and TODAY on Zoom at 11am Pacific/2pm Eastern/8pm Central Europe, and in-person this weekend if you're in the Bay Area! Lees meer
Do you celebrate your achievements? I don't know about you, but I find it pretty difficult.
I didn't celebrate getting into Berkeley or Yale, or graduating from either of those places either (in fact, I think I was in the car driving away from each of those places when the graduation ceremonies happened).
I didn't celebrate getting U.S. citizenship, or have a baby shower, and Alvin and Carys buy or make me a birthday cake every year because they want to, but I don't really celebrate that either.
I didn't celebrate signing a book deal two years ago, and when we rolled over 3 million downloads recently I asked someone on my team to make a quick social post...and that was it.
So celebrating the book's launch feels...weird to me. But apparently people who write books do it, so I'm giving it a try - Jen style.
I invited a listener, María José (MJ) Durán, to ask me whatever questions she had about the book and the writing process for a mini-celebration.
(I did slip in a couple of questions for her as well, and I have to say that her response to me asking what she got out of the book was really meaningful for me - she now understands her own Mom in a way she hadn't been able to until now, which has brought María José (MJ) Durán some measure of relief.)
Come join one of our mini-celebrations! Listen to the podcast episode today!
Jump to Highlights
00:43 Introduction to today’s episode
04:13 What sets Parenting Beyond Power apart for long-time podcast listeners and Parenting Membership members
05:01 What Jen wants to accomplish in writing Parenting Beyond Power
08:56 How the needs cupcake came about
11:38 How Jen came up with the book’s title
14:26 María José (MJ) Durán shares a positive change in setting boundaries with her da…
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190: How to use the tools in Parenting Beyond Power
28 augustus 2023 · 58 min
One of the questions I'm asked most often about Parenting Beyond Power (preorder bonuses are available for just a few more days!) is: Lees meer
So when a group of listeners volunteered to get together to discuss what they got out of the book, that was the first thing I wanted to ask them.
The core premise of the book is that the social forces of White supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism have really hurt us - they're the biggest reason why we feel so much pain and shame. And we will pass on those hurts to our own children unless we do something different - and most of the book is about what we actually do differently to make parenting easier today, and work toward creating a world where everyone belongs.
Eliza began:
Kat added:
Elizabeth concluded:
We talked about the needs cupcake, and how we can use that to understand the needs that both we and our children are trying to meet on a regular basis. Eliza found that she's able to be more regulated by managing the level of sound around her - which she hadn't realized was a 'cherry' need for her until now!
Eliza coached Elizabeth through a struggle she's having with her daughter not wanting to go to bed, and Kat talked through a beautiful story of how she's supporting her children, who have been fighting with each other a LOT. Now they fight a lot less, because their needs are met more often. We're lucky that we heard Kat share that story before her phone battery died!
Parenting Beyond Power
The wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore.
Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey.
Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:
Jump to Highlights
00:43 Introduction to the podcast
02:04 Guests introduce themselves
05:00 Longtime participants discuss how the book differs from the podcast and other resources, emphasizing its unique value.
08:05 Participants share their the tools t…
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189: Childhood Unlimited with Virginia Mendez
14 augustus 2023 · 52 min
Do you try to give your children messages about gender that are aligned with your values? Do you tell your daughter that she can do anything she wants to do, and look for shows that have equal representation of male- and female-presenting characters? Lees meer
If so, you're off to a good start.
And...there's so much more to do.
One of the core ideas in my book, Parenting Beyond Power, is that we parents pass cultural messages on to our children. We do that through the books we read, the actions we praise, and the conversations we have (or don't have).
I don't censor the books I'm reading to Carys - we just talk about them. Right now we're reading Wild Born, Book 1 of the Spirit Animals collection. (I did check to make sure that the concept of 'spirit animals' isn't disrespectful to Indigenous people...it turns out it's a concept that White people made up, and it's only disrespectful if we try to link it to Indigenous practices.)
Here's an excerpt from the beginning of Chapter 3:
"Meilin sat on a cushion before her looking glass, meticulously applying facial paint. She didn't mind letting her handmaidens prepare her for festivals or banquets. But today was important. Today she wanted to look just right. And when you wanted something done right, you did it yourself.
After finishing the accents around her eyes, Meilin inspected her handiwork. It was a work of art atop a work of art. People always remarked that she was stunning. She had never needed paint on her face to earn compliments. But now she possessed an allure beyond her natural beauty."
It goes on to describe the strategic imperfection in her hair that made it "more appealing," and then she practices the looks she will display during her ceremony.
There's a lot going on here... It starts with the White supremacy-based idea that if you want something done right you can never rely on others but only do it yourself. (This book seems to be primarily about relationships, so I assume it's marketed to girls. And we w…